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Thursday, May 25, 2017

Leaked First Look At Mario + Rabbids Kingdom Battle

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - After I called it fake news for months, Ubisoft apparently confirmed it somewhere.

I want to keep any and all Rabbids content on this website to a minimum. Unfortunately, Ubisoft and Nintendo are going to make that difficult over the next several months. Back during Ubisoft's E3 2013, RawkHawk2010 exclaimed:
“I can't believe the Rabbids are still around.”
The year after in Ubisoft's E3 2014, RawkHawk2010 said:
“Rabbids are hideous characters.”

Meanwhile, during E3 2015 I didn't know what the Minions were and thought that Electronic Arts made them up as their version of the Rabbids.

That's basically KoopaTV's Rabbids history, but it looks like there will be more to come. Ubisoft apparently has confirmed the existence of Mario + Rabbids Kingdom Battle after rumours and leaks were swirling in dark corners of disreputable media outlets. It's some sort of weird RPG...thing, featuring Mario, Luigi, Peach, Yoshi, and four Rabbids dressed up as those four characters.

Source: Apparently, leaked Ubisoft documents we'll see more of at E3.

I feel bad for even putting that image up there because looking at those Rabbids makes me sick, so let's... end this article quick.

Ubisoft allegedly had this whole SURPRISE FACTOR going on for the game, deemed a “crazy combat adventure”, which sounds like a 20-hour mess. No one knows how this game will play, but we just know what the hell it's looking like.

Well, we know (if the reporting is to be believed) that you don't actually play as Mario and friends, but control them indirectly by controlling a dude named Tuttorio. Clearly, that name is based off the word “tutorial”, yet you're playing as them the whole game. Will this be Mario & Luigi: Dream Team all over again?

Why is there a giant Donkey Kong Rabbid in the background? Dude has a tie and everything.

Is there a possibility that we'd like this game? After all, we thought Paper Mario: Color Splash was a disaster prior to its E3 conference, and then we more-or-less really liked it after it came out. If this Rabbids shitfest ends up making fun of and tearing apart the Mushroom Kingdom (they're bashing its so-called “conservative universe” and saying “badass”, which everyone is freaking out about — I did just write “shitfest” in this same extended sentence, did I not? No big deal, kids), then there may be some value in that.

...But any value in that is probably wiped out by there being Rabbids. I mean, come on. They're gross.


Ludwig probably could have been a lot more detailed and thoughtful for this article, but he couldn't stop cringing while writing it and just wanted to publish this already. Every media source that claimed this was “confirmed” prior to this week was fake news, and this might even still be fake news. ...Hopefully. PLEASE.


KoopaTV's staff doesn't want to get another round of quarantinable diseases, so we're being brief here.
UNFORTUNATELY, this wasn't fake news and the Rabbids showed up for the first minute of Ubisoft's E3 2017 conference.

12 comments :

  1. Those rabbids have always scared me ever since early childhood.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's weird for me to think that they'd exist as a symbol of someone's childhood.

      Delete
  2. I feel annoyed that I contributed to their popularity back in the day when I got a Gamestop Wii bundle that had Raving Rabbids as one of the bundled games. Wiis were to scarce to get normally back in the day.

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    Replies
    1. I think the Rabbids, along with Cammie Dunaway, are symbols of the Wii to people who think the Wii was a negative for gaming.

      Delete
  3. I'm so confused about why they decided to make this. (And why did they decide Paper Mario can't be an RPG because they already have an RPG series, but this RPG is okay?)

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    Replies
    1. ...me too.

      Maybe they look at how popular Geno is among fans from the last plumber RPG crossover...thing, so they thought "We can do that, but with Rabbids!"

      Delete
    2. That... would be a very illogical train of thought.

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    3. Hey, apparently that's sort of what they were doing with Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Smash-Up as alluded to in the comment below this one.

      Delete
  4. Another missed opportunity to have mustache face and his friends team off against the Koopa pack in a fun power up blaster game. Why were there rabbids in the TMNT smash bros. rip off?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Uhhh there were?

      ...
      ...
      Yeah I guess so.
      ...Well, THAT game had non-Rabbids issues so I can't blame them for it being mediocre.

      Delete
  5. "People ask me all the time 'Reggie, will the Nintendo Switch have great third-party support?' Well, it is my pleasure today to address your concerns. Introducing the greatest cross-over ever in gaming history, Mario + Rabbids Kingdom Battle! In this game, the classic characters that you have known and loved for almost a decade will join up with the Mario characters to restore peace in the Mushroom Kingdom. But this is not just an ordinary Rabbids game. In this adventure, you will battle enemies in an RPG styled twist for the first time ever in the series. Hop in for the adventure of your lifetime when the game releases this holdiay season. If you are interested in this title, you may also be interested in another game releasing in the near future that also features rabbits in the Mario Universe. Unfortunately, in order to prevent competition between the two titles, Super Mario Oddysey has been delayed until Fall 2018. Please understand."

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ...dammit, you know I'm a sucker for these.

      Delete

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