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Wednesday, November 22, 2017

Knickers in a Twist: The Pink Underwar

By RAWKHAWK2010 - Pinkie and the Inane.

If you've been keeping up with the news, President Donald John Trump just this week issued two presidential pardons. Who for? Drumstick and Wishbone, of course! The two not-for-Thanksgiving turkeys will be living out the rest of their days at "Gobbler's Rest", which I'm pretty sure isn't a Pokémon Mystery Dungeon Friend Area. I'm also pretty sure that this Drumstick has nothing to do with the Drumstick from off of Diddy Kong Racing. The Drumstick from off of Diddy Kong Racing is a rooster. Roosters aren't turkeys. Drumstick the Rooster has his weird fleshy appendage standing on top of his head, while the pardoned Drumstick gets to have it droop from his beak like a flaccid Flying egg group penis. I THANKfully don't have to deal with any of that.

Anyway, this isn't President Donald John Trump's first presidential pardon. The first got dumped on us back in August and right in the middle of Hurricane Harvey (who the hell names a hurricane Harvey?), causing media to halt hurricane coverage so that they could talk about whatever Trump just did instead. The pardon in question was specifically a pardon of "America's Toughest Sheriff" (and human) Joe Arpeggio Arpaio after he was previously convicted on counts of criminal contempt of court.

Who exactly is Sheriff Joe Arpaio? That's what all the 20-years-old 20/20 episodes are for. A brief summary however is that he's a man who's long been the target of controversy in how he treats his dudes. He's been criticized for subjecting prisoners to 140° degree temperatures, having them subsist on 50¢ balogna sandwiches, and the most egregious punishment of all -- the pink underwear.

One guy can't even show his face.

Characters like Mr. Pants and King Hippo are known by everyone for their underwear shenanigans, but just underwear isn't what's important here. We're specifically talking about pink undergarments, which according to the media is an entirely different world deserving of far greater human rights charges. Isn't this the same media who encourages men to get more in touch with their sensitive sides and break gender stereotypes? I mean, it's true that the main purposes of the pink underwear in question were to humiliate their wearers and save money (since the prisoners would never steal them), but you'd still think there would be some praise for Arizona's law enforcement on making strides against the pink/man stigma.

Personally, I ain't got no problem with pink underpants and I'm not exactly sure who would. Pink underwear are a symbol of wayward rebellion against the tighty-whities establishment. You know tighty-whities? The loins version of those white shirt family beach photos where the children always look mortified? Yeah, they're better than nothing, but aesthetically wouldn't you like to embrace something with a little more brazen coolboy audaciousness?

Look how excited F-Zero's Blood Falcon is in his pink skivvies. He can barely contain himself! And I mean that as literally as possible.

Blood Falcon F-Zero GX character video movie pilot profile laundromat laundry pink underwear weird creepy
Blood Falcon gettin' weird.

Your guess is as good as mine for what's actually happening there. Blood Falcon reads "New Champion: Blood Falcon" in the local newspaper while sitting in the laundromat and basically starts Look Mom No Hands jacking it.

Do note that this is a literal clone of Captain Falcon, born and raised with no other purpose than to strictly follow Black Shadow's orders. If pink briefs suddenly make him feel this euphoric, then it raises the question of whether Sheriff Joe's prisoners actually ever even tried to embrace their condition before begging for their White Lands and Big Blues. Blood Falcon is only four-years-old and he's more secure with his image than they'll ever be.

Here's the full video for context. (Spoilers: there is none.)

And one more thing: It goes without saying that women have a far easier time in this particular area of fashion politics. As a dude endorsing the wearment of pink underwear by both all genders, this significantly lessens my workload. It also just made me think about Five Women We'd Rather Have As President Than Hillary Clinton and how there's totally no way we can do our sequel article now without at least one pink underwear-donner finding themselves on the shortlist.


Rawk learned a lot about F-Zero GX cutscenes while writing this article, and possibly seared his virgin-retinas for life.

Mrs. Arrow was previously featured in an early KoopaTV article showcasing the deep lore that F-Zero GX has that is being ignored.


  1. I actually have some swimming boxers that look exactly like the one the prisoners wear.
    I think pastel pink is an underrated, relaxing and comfy colour.
    My thesis is: would you surround yourself with more pastel pink things, you would be less stressed.
    That is why they use pink in prisons to calm down aggressive criminals.
    Nobody wants to smash in heads, when their cell looks like Hotline Bling.

  2. Gender stereotypes go both ways. I dress my baby daughter in blue and people ask if I have enough baby clothes and my mother asks me why I bought blue baby clothes.


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