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Friday, November 4, 2016

Five Women We'd Rather Have As President Than Hillary Clinton

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - We're fine with a woman, just not that woman.

Let's face it: We haven't completed our mission at KoopaTV to inform and entertain enough people with the facts. If we have, the presidential polling wouldn't be looking the way it is right now. (Then again, the polls are rigged.)

As a result, we have to now resort to a clickbait-sounding listicle to grab your attention. You've brought this upon yourself.

We've thought up of five women that would be a better president of the United States than Hillary Clinton. These aren't the top five women out there, but any of them would still be a better choice than her. Believe me. I know one of them personally. Hillary constantly claims we're sexist for opposing her, and that being a woman is her most important qualification. That's wrong.

Without further ado, the listicle begins:

5. Mother Brain

Quick Facts:

Series:
Metroid
Accomplishments:
Leader of the Space Pirates
Came sort of close to dominating the galaxy
Controlled Planet Zebes with her mind
Mother Brain is quite evil. She has the same motivations as Hillary Clinton: Total power, control, dominance. They both claim to be mothers that care not for their kids. They are both incredibly shrill, as this video by Rawk demonstrates:


So why would Mother Brain be better than Hillary Clinton, when they're clearly both scary, awful warmongers? Mother Brain, unlike Hillary who operates under multiple veils of secrets (such as a private insecure e-mail server), is transparent. She operates from a see-through container. From there, we can see that Mother Brain actually has a sizable... brain. She's remarkably intelligent.

Meanwhile, Hillary Clinton's intelligence is... very questionable, as demonstrated by her claims that she didn't know that the letter ‘c’ (without any other letters) meant classified, after being briefed on classification.

If you're going to have a nasty woman as your president, she should at least be smart.

4. Princess Zelda

Quick Facts:

Series:
The Legend of Zelda
Accomplishments:
Bearer of the Triforce of Wisdom
Is royalty by divine providence
Is the Sage of Time
Lead a pirate crew
Managed to somehow cause a sustained debate about whether her being in disguise means her gender is different
Princess Zelda has had many generations of executive experience, across several different timelines. She actually cares about the kingdom of Hyrule, and she's destined to be very wise with the Triforce of Wisdom. She's very capable of putting her subjects ahead of herself, as demonstrated by her healing of Midna in The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess, at the expense of herself.

Zelda is also not afraid to get dirty and hands-on in defending her people, such as her assistance in The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker. She's usually very pleasant, and the people love her.

Who can resist that wink?

3. Princess Wendy O. Koopa

Quick Facts:

Series:
Super Mario Bros.
Accomplishments:
Princess of Koopa Kingdom
Staff member of KoopaTV
Was very temporarily already the unelected president — empress — of the United States
Princess Wendy O. Koopa already has had a series of accomplishments in her short life, being the youngest person to make this list. She's done more for women's progress than anyone on the list, and that includes Hillary Clinton.

Empress of America President Kootie Pie Wendy O. Koopa Reptiles in the Rose Garden Super Mario Bros. 3
Wendy was America's first female leader.

Between juggling her responsibilities as princess of Koopa Kingdom and being a feminist icon, Wendy O. Koopa is also a graphics designer for KoopaTV. Just... don't ask me what she's accomplished under that role. (Hey, it's not like anyone is able to answer what Hillary Clinton has accomplished in her many decades of power, despite her powerful-appearing résumé.)

Besides promising some run-of-the-mill corruption and minimal self-indulgence, Wendy isn't interested much in day-to-day management. That would make her policies towards her people as basically salutary neglect. That's good policy!

2. Lady Palutena

Quick Facts:

Series:
Kid Icarus
Accomplishments:
Goddess of Light
Leader of Palutena's Army
Ruler of Skyworld
Lady Palutena is incredibly intelligent, constantly giving intelligence to her people, and especially Pit. She's respected worldwide for her smarts, and her wise guidance of her people. They, in turn, are quite loyal to her. And, unlike some of the other women here, she is very strong on national security, and actively is for law-and-order. (And not in a disproportionately racist way like Hillary Clinton.)
Lady Palutena is also the most beautiful person on our list. Not that it has to do with being a good leader, but it certainly doesn't hurt. She's a lot more fairer than Hillary's shriveled witch-esque complexion.

Lady Palutena Kid Icarus Uprising Revolting Dinner hot spring relaxing goddess naked
Lady Palutena relaxing in a hot spring.

Lady Palutena also has the best sense of humour of anyone on this list. This makes her very attractive to a website that spouts truth & levity.

Top Nintendo women Mother Brain Wendy O. Koopa Palutena Princess Zelda Super Smash Bros. For Wii U
Our list of women thus far (left-to-right): Mother Brain, Princess Wendy O. Koopa, Lady Palutena, and Princess Zelda.

1. Micaiah

Quick Facts:

Series:
Fire Emblem
Accomplishments:
Leader of the Dawn Brigade
Makes miracles as the Silver-Haired Maiden
Commander of Daein's army
Micaiah is on top of my list for the number one woman I think would make a great president. Micaiah is the only one on this list to not have been born into her position of power and influence. She lived among the people. She had a pretty poor upbringing as an outcast of society living in the outskirts of society. Still, she's always believed in the good in the hearts of the people of the Kingdom of Daein, and made a name for herself after Begnion took over Daein.

Unlike Hillary Clinton, who has never done anything good for anyone and launched her political ambitions through her loveless marriage with the mighty and charismatic Bill Clinton, Micaiah's closest male partner came from an even lower class than her, being Sothe the thief. And she never even wished or lusted for power. It just came onto her, demanded by the people.

Micaiah Sacrifice Nico Fire Emblem Radiant Dawn
Micaiah's Sacrifice ability in use, rescuing a little boy.

Micaiah sacrifices everything — she's normally used to a secluded, private life, hiding her personal secrets — because she knows the people of Daein need her power. In turn, they see her as their hope. Micaiah even sacrifices her own life energy to restore others, and her special skill is literally called Sacrifice.

Hillary Clinton hasn't sacrificed a thing in her quest for power, and she's even profiting along the way.

One Survives Fire Emblem Radiant Dawn Micaiah map narration Daein Priestess of Dawn spirits restored
Micaiah restores the spirits of the people of Daein.
Hillary Clinton destroys the national spirit, as people are in angst about the prospect of electing a criminal mastermind.

But it's not just her inspirational and successful message that makes her qualified for the presidency. She's also a tactical genius, being my example for a commander being able to take an army that is inferior in both quantity AND quality, and still achieving a victory of sorts.

Still, her number one goal is not war-mongering, but peace and prosperity. She knows what tyranny looks like, having actually lived under it. She wants liberation for the people. She's truly looking out for them.

Micaiah is fiercely loyal to her country, and is always acting in Daein's best interests. Compare to, say, Hillary Clinton, who sells out HER country at every opportunity for some profit.

The best leaders are those that do not seek power, but allow it to come to them. It's commonly-accepted that politics tends to attract the worst, most psychopathic people of society. We don't want those. We want humble people that put the country ahead of their own personal interests.

All of the folks I mentioned all happen to be women. Not because I think it's important that we must have a woman as a leader, but because we need to look at people's content of character, not the shape of their genitals. Hillary Clinton may be in the position to be the first woman president, but do you really want to abandon principles and the rule of law just to achieve that? There are so many better women out there.


Ludwig is not sexist. At least, he doesn't think so. What women would you rather see lead the United States instead of Hillary Clinton? Let KoopaTV know in the comments, and get awarded in the new Round 11 of the KoopaTV Loyalty Rewards Program, now featuring a brand-new advertisement video!


Micaiah and Lady Palutena were also on Ludwig's wishlist for Super Smash Bros. 4 characters, and at least Palutena ended up making it.
Ludwig celebrated six women in an earlier article about Sexy Poker.

4 comments :

  1. Maya Fey may consult with the dead, but at least she doesn't cast votes for them.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Replies
    1. Because I like Wendy, Palutena, and Micaiah more, and if I was going to remove someone from the list to make room for someone else (such as Pokémon Champion Cynthia), it would be Princess Zelda.

      Delete

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