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Friday, November 17, 2017

Sexual Misconduct of the Real Roy: Roy of Pherae!

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - Let's clear up who the Roy is that women everywhere should be scared of.

All you hear in the news is that some new Pokémon games came out, and that there is an epidemic of sexual misconduct by the universe's royalty. But the biggest culprit of all the royalty? A ROY. Yes, a royal Roy is the biggest sexual deviant of them all. I just want everyone reading to know that this is not the Roy I think of when I think of Roy. No, it is a human of the continent of Elibe. This human is the marquess of Pherae within the country of Lycia. Yes, I am talking about THAT Roy. He doesn't have a proper last name, but I think “Roy Pherae” will do.

KoopaTV has done a full investigation to clear the name of any Roy that may mistakenly be seen as the bad guy in all of this. That's what happens when the real culprit goes by Roy with no middle name. In the course of this investigation, we've talked with several women that Roy Pharae has done bad things with and to. At the end of this article, we have a very clear message to the world regarding Roy Pherae.

The contents of this article might be disturbing to some people, since it deals with sensitive topics from real victims. Then again, if you consume the news, you should already be accustomed to this.

About Roy

First, let's go over what we know about Roy. He first appeared in Super Smash Bros. Melee, and then showed up in Fire Emblem: The Binding Blade, alternatively known as “Fire Emblem 6” or “Fire Emblem: Fūin no Tsurugi” or “Fire Emblem: Sword of Seals”. Roy is the son of Eliwood, who is the son of Elbert and Eleanora. Roy grew up frustrated, stemming from his mother's decision to not continue the Pherae lord trend of beginning one's name with “El”. He also had a foster brother named Wolt. Roy grew up being raised by two old men: an old warrior named Marcus, who also served Eliwood, and an old merchant named Merlinus. When KoopaTV asked Eliwood about his interactions with Marcus, he recalled this quote from Marcus back when Eliwood was not even an adult:
“As a faithful retainer of Pherae, I must make haste to find you a suitable wife!”
Marcus, by the time of Roy's birth, was a creepy old man who tried to instill into Roy that he should go after women. Marcus's own experience with women was pretty much nonexistent, so he didn't actually give advice on HOW to force oneself to women. As a result, Roy grew up with an incredibly unbalanced perspective of the other sex.

King Zephiel of Bern would later threaten the whole country of Lycia with an invasion, and Roy was put in charge of its defence because Eliwood decided to conveniently get sick. Suddenly thrust into a position of great power and responsibility with no real training, Roy ventured out and met many women along the way. Chief among them?

Lilina and the Yearbook Signing

Lilina is the daughter of the late marquess of Ostia, Hector. She and Roy were born around the same time, and Hector and Eliwood were friends. Hector and Eliwood had frequently allowed Roy and Lilina to run out unsupervised by anyone except old man Marcus.

Fire Emblem Blazing Sword Roy Lilina Eliwood Hector illustration
Here's Roy forcefully grabbing Lilina by the hand and running away with her,
while Lilina turns away wishing her father would help save her.

Marcus was not only trying to encourage Roy to force himself upon women, but he was also playing the other side as well, trying to get those women to Roy. When we interviewed Lilina, she told us that Marcus even suggested to her early-on to marry Roy, to which Lilina responded,
“Marcus! Roy and I are friends. Just friends! Marriage... I-It is too soon to be thinking of such things!”
Still, Lilina would later realise that their relationship was a bit more devious than “just friends!” Thanks to Marcus's influence, Roy would consider Lilina just one of many other beautiful women. In fact, Lilina recalled Roy saying this about Princess Guinivere of Bern:
“I haven't see her in her royal garments yet. She must look beautiful beyond words. Even when I first saw her, I couldn't believe that such a beautiful person existed.”
Roy, of course, saw Guinivere without clothes on. This casual admission on Roy's part horrified Lilina. But it didn't end there.

When we were interviewing Lilina, we noticed she was tightly clutching a book. We asked her if it was a spellbook, because Lilina is a Mage. Lilina shook her head, and her hands were trembling. We consoled Lilina and told her it was alright, and she slowly opened the book. It was a yearbook with some scribbled writing signed by Roy. Lilina explained that she and Roy went to school together as young kids, and they had a yearbook that Roy signed:

Roy Lilina yearbook book message Fire Emblem Heroes to a sweeter more beautiful girl Merry Christmas
In case it's hard to read, Roy wrote,
“To a sweeter more beautiful girl, I could not say, ‘Merry Christmas.’
Love, Roy”

Lilina didn't quite understand what that Merry Christmas part was supposed to mean, but that's the least pressing matter. Lilina has been holding onto that book all of these years. She was mortified by it and is apparently scarred for life. She still awkwardly considered Roy a friend all for a long time, but upon hearing what Roy was doing with other women, she now realises that was a mistake.

No One Believes Larum or Sophia

There are two other girls that were violated in particular that ended up within Roy's army: Larum, a “dancer”, and Sophia, a shaman. Roy violated their spaces with his pushy ways. Sophia told KoopaTV that she had warned Roy to stay away from her, and she then told KoopaTV that Roy's response was:
“But I don't think I can follow your warning.”
Sophia tried to find a trustworthy person within Roy's Lycian army to confide her troubles in, trying to talk with Roy's advisor, Merlinus. However, Merlinus merely replied,
“But the story does seem a bit unbelievable...”
Merlinus therefore refused to help, and Sophia felt all alone. Having traveled very far away from her village of Arcadia with the Lycian Army, she couldn't desert Roy and return home. She was, in effect, his sexual captive.

Meanwhile, Larum, the dancer, told us that Roy couldn't believe her story that he was sexually mistreating her. She told KoopaTV that Roy's response was:
“Y-You're imagining things.”
And then Roy did not stop inappropriately touching her, as seen in this secret photograph:

Fire Emblem Roy Larum Lalum groping Al Franken Leeann Tweeden parody
Left: Roy of Pherae
Centre: A sleeping Larum
Right: ????

Roy Must Drop Out

KoopaTV notes that, even though we have interviewed many of the women that have made allegations against Roy (and there are still others, including Shanna, Sue, and Cecilia), he has not been convicted in a court of law and these allegations are not proven against him. However, given the Dark Age of the Law we are in and the fact that Roy is able to get away with many possible transgressions because of his royal status, it is unlikely that Roy would be tried in any court and found guilty.

Therefore, we appeal to common decency. Just the seriousness of the charges against Roy should allow for us to skip this law stuff and go right to consequences and corrective action.

Roy Pherae, you must leave the Nintendo eShop as downloadable content for Super Smash Bros. For Wii U. You must abandon the Outrealms of Fire Emblem Awakening. You must be removed as a summonable hero from Fire Emblem Heroes. You must cease your candidacy to be downloadable content for Fire Emblem Warriors.

And please, please stop your line of amiibo that appear in retailers. Think of the CHILDREN! I know that Roy of Pherae likes to be around children, especially girls, but I believe it is best for society that we not allow Roy to indulge in those wants. Go crawl in a Lycean hole and never appear again!

...Or he can be deported to Japan.

Full disclosure: This article was requested by Roy Koopa, who is a brother of the article's author. Roy wished to clear his name in the media by incriminating another Roy. He may also still be upset with how Roy of Pherae treated him. Not only is Roy Koopa innocent, but so is Roy Innis, if anyone still thinks of him.

The author actually really dislikes Roy and thinks he shouldn't be DLC in Super Smash Bros. For Wii U. Still, this article is fair & balanced.
The women mentioned in this article all are participants in the #MeToo movement, and rightfully so.


  1. Replies
    1. I think it's now very obvious why President Donald John Trump supported you. He's such a genius.

  2. Photoshopping Roy's face over that photo of someone from our world accused of sexual assault? That's low. And really, really obviously fake. Even for you. :p

  3. wait where was this article even going

    1. We're both Zelda fans. That's one reason I picked Team Fantasy. (Which WON.)

    2. wtf is team fantasy, is it some reference to some previous article,

    3. This one freaks me out and Monday is just you taking shots at a great game.

    4. Is freaking you out an effective tactic?

    5. No because I clearly didn't read the article.

    6. I thought "wait where was this article even going" meant you read it, but didn't comprehend it.

    7. I read the word sexual and I was hoping it was going somewhere cool.

    8. I was hoping it would be about hentai or something.

  4. Roy Koopa is one of the most trustworthy guys in the Koopa Kingdom while Roy Pherae has always been a creep. I believe that the striking contrast between the two's attitude towards women started early in their lives and was heavily influenced by their parental figures. On one hand, Roy's father, King Bowser, is a dapper gentleman who always treats Princess Peach with dignity and respect. On the other hand, Roy's guardians, as you pointed out, actively encouraged Roy's predatory behavior. You are fortunate to have such a great father in your life, Ludwig.

    1. Aw, thanks.
      (Maybe I should do Father's Day articles.)


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