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Friday, June 14, 2019

Phoenix Wright vs. E3 2019: Drugs, Detainment, and Discounts

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - How I met Phoenix Wright for the first time, and ruined E3 2019.

If you are a regular reader of KoopaTV, you are probably wondering where I've been during the past several days of E3 Weeks 2019. Don't worry, the other KoopaTV staffers are wondering the same thing.

And if you're an irregular reader, you might be wondering why a gaming site's coverage of the Electronic Entertainment Expo, the biggest gaming event of the year with the most impactful news drop, was so... lacking this year.

It was all foretold before E3 began that KoopaTV's staff would be flying out to Los Angeles to look for Phoenix Wright, former ace attorney and now just a disbarred and struggling man. Coverage of E3 itself was a secondary consideration.

I managed to do it. I found Phoenix Wright. I talked with Phoenix Wright. I acted on behalf of Phoenix Wright. I'll tell you the full story of what happened this week. ...You'll find it quite interesting. I'll write it from a third-person perspective, similar to the How Team Koopa Escaped Rio series.

Ludwig woke up from his slumber in the bedroom of a human's Los Angeles house, having dreamed of how amazing Final Fantasy VII Remake is from Square Enix's E3 2019 presentation the night before—he had recently discovered that humans are fond of making their home's excess capacity available for a fee with some AirBnB thing (he thought that was related to flying, but no)— a few miles away from the Los Angeles Convention Center. The other KoopaTV staff members that came with Ludwig to California, being Kamek, Rawk, Wendy, and Witch Princess, had already left the place to do their activities. Much to the elder Koopaling's dismay, they didn't leave notice for him or wake him up, and it was already rush hour.

It was Tuesday. That meant Nintendo was doing their Nintendo Direct at E3. If the other staffers weren't going to help him find Phoenix Wright, then hopefully they were all at least watching the Nintendo Direct on his behalf. He miserably muttered about paying for the whole KoopaTV staff to come over to California and how that was a terrible investment of money. California itself gave Ludwig the chills, especially downtown Los Angeles.

Skipping breakfast and lunch at the human's dwelling, Ludwig ventured outside the home. He could see the Los Angeles Convention Center if he looked closely in the distance, but he turned around and instead headed to Vitamin Square, a park that Phoenix Wright supposedly frequents during the day. He heard that information during the day on Monday from an old man fond of throwing seeds at pigeons... and at Koopas, apparently. Still, it was his only lead. The Koopaling figured that in order to find Phoenix Wright, he had to act like Phoenix Wright, and that meant investigating.

The weather was rather hot—and very sunny, with only a few clouds—and there wasn't any wind. Ludwig was wondering if maybe he should get over his hatred of shoes and at least invest in some sandals, since walking on the hot pavement was becoming pretty painful. It was quite different than walking around in Koopa Kingdom or the lava-heated floors of Lord Bowser's castle.

Eventually, Ludwig had arrived at Vitamin Square. It was a park with fruit-themed attractions, such as several orange tables, an apple slide, and a banana see-saw. Ludwig had a negative visceral reaction upon seeing the strong emphasis on citrus fruit, so he went to investigate the banana see-saw first.

Along the way, Ludwig stepped on something... PAINFUL. He screamed, and then looked down and saw a syringe on the ground. Fortunately, it wasn't stuck inside him, and having his feet wrapped in scales instead of flesh certainly was a boon in not being stabbed. Still, he yelled out, “OW! Wot the hell is this doing here?!”

Ludwig crouched down to have a closer look at the syringe. Its contents were depleted and it looked already used, but he was no expert in human drug application devices. In the silence that followed, Ludwig listened to something moving in the park's sandcastle. Remembering that he liked sandcastles, Ludwig avoided stepping on the syringe again, and crawled over to the sand pit.

Vitamin Square Los Angeles California sandpit sandcastle Ace Attorney
Let's have a closer look at the sandcastle area...

In the sand castle, he surprisingly saw yet another syringe. Even more surprising was that, hiding in the sand against the other side of the sandcastle was what appeared to be Phoenix Wright. But with stubble, a sweatshirt, and a beanie. He did seem like a very different person than his usual clean-shaven blue-suit self. He was half-buried against his back.

“Oh! Just my luck! Phoenix Wright! ...Is that you?” Ludwig asked, jumping out of the sand pit. The Koopa paused, and then also asked, “...What are you doing in that sand pit?”

The man didn't respond. He didn't appear to be unconscious, but he was evidently zoned out, staring at the few clouds that were in the sky. Ludwig impatiently jumped on the ex-lawyer's stomach. “WAKE UP. I'M HERE JUST FOR YOU, SO YOU BETTER GET UP AND STAND AT ATTENTION!” He screamed.

“Ow! Who and what are you?!” Phoenix Wright said, regaining his awareness and pushing the Koopaling off of him. The lawyer stood up and towered in height over the much-shorter reptile.

“I'm Ludwig Von Koopa! You may have heard of me as the super handsome Prince of Koopa Kingdom, and I also write for KoopaTV.org! We've been stalking your trials and career for years now. But then you FORGED EVIDENCE and got disbarred! What's wrong with you?!”

Phoenix Wright turned around and scoffed. “I didn't forge anything. Someone else did and... gave it to me. It's complicated. I'm trying to figure it out.”

“Sounds like a flimsy excuse. Well, whatever, it's still some kind of excuse so I'll run with it. You'll never figure things out just being here laying in the sand. I want to work together with you to get you back into lawyering! The world needs you!”

Phoenix Wright reoriented the beanie on his head. “Thanks, but I'm thinking things through right now. You interrupted me. I'm developing a machine that would allow me to go back and correct the mistakes of the past.”

Ludwig stomped on the ground angrily. “Eh wot? That makes no sense at all. Are you... making a time machine? Time machines are evil! And time travel is seriously bad news. I can't support that. Besides, for humans like you, it's impossible.”

Phoenix Wright turned around and took out a bottle of nail polish from his sweatshirt pocket. “This nail polish is from seven years in the future. Impossible? I don't think so. It's only a matter of time before I get my badge back. I'll change the whole system to ensure justice!”

Ludwig gave a blank stare at Phoenix Wright, saying nothing for half a minute. Finally, he spoke. “You're crazy. You're not right in the head. And I think I know why...” Ludwig pointed to the syringes scattered throughout Vitamin Square.

Phoenix turned his eyesight towards the syringes. “And why's that?”

“You're on drugs, like every other hobo in California! With those syringes! You're injecting drugs into your system and it's screwing you up! Getting weird ideas about time travel. That's unacceptable! You've turned from a turnabout genius defending the defenceless to just being a dumbass!”

“HOLD IT! Can you prove that?”

“Excuse me?”

“Can you prove that those syringes are mine and that I used them?”

“Well... you're here... the syringes are here... even in the same sand pit... and you're acting all stupid! It's perfectly logical!”

Phoenix Wright shook his head, and yelled, “OBJECTION!”, pointing his finger at Ludwig's face. “That's all circumstantial evidence! Did you consider other possibilities? Vitamin Square is a public place, and thousands come through here every day. Those syringes could have been used by all kinds of people. Maybe even the pigeons. You have no proof that it was me!” Phoenix pointed his finger once again at Ludwig, and this time a burst of wind came from his appendage and sent Ludwig flying onto an accursed orange-fruit-shaped table.

“Ow! You still got your lawyer spirit, even if you're on drugs! Well, whatever, will you come with me to the Electronic Entertainment Expo? You know CAPCOM, right? They make games based off you. You get money from those sales. We gotta go convince them not to abandon you and to make another game! Plus, Nintendo needs to put you in Super Smash Bros. Ultimate like you deserve!” Ludwig pointed towards the Los Angeles Convention Center, though it was becoming rather dark by this point.

“I have other things to do than play games. I have a daughter to pick up from school. Good night.” Phoenix Wright walked out of Vitamin Square, though Ludwig wouldn't be able to figure out where.

“Ugh... if only I was able to see the secrets of his heart... I could figure out what's going on... Wait... he has a daughter? Wot? HOLD IT. PHOENIX, COME BACK.”

Ludwig tried running after Phoenix Wright, but stepped on the first syringe again and stubbed his claw this time. He collapsed in pain in Vitamin Square.

The next morning, Ludwig woke up and saw the old man who gave him the hot tip on Monday throwing seeds at the pigeons... and on Ludwig's head.

“Shoot, it's Wednesday? I got to get out of here!” Ludwig moaned. He looked down on his claw-toe. It seemed alright. He got up and ran out of Vitamin Square to the Los Angeles Convention Center.

“Where are the other KoopaTV staffers now? Wotever. I'll get into E3 all by myself.” He said to himself, ignoring the strange looks from tourists and homeless alike as he made his way through the streets of Los Angeles to the great E3-adorned Convention Center. He wondered if Phoenix Wright really was on drugs or not, and had some guilt that he voted against the Narcotics Wall for the Splatfest this coming weekend. What if that position was responsible for the opioid epidemic? Ludwig stopped his internal guilt-tripping as he tried to walk right through the front doors, but he was stopped by two security guards.

“Please present your badge.” A guard told him.

“I don't have a badge.” Ludwig muttered.

“Then you aren't permitted to enter the Los Angeles Convention Center. Tickets are sold out.” The other guard said.

Ludwig took a few steps backwards. “I don't have to take this from you humans.” He jumped up in place, and opened his mouth. “BURN!”

Ludwig shot out a couple of fireballs at each guard. As they had to deal with the shock of this alien fire-breathing reptile (and the fire itself), Ludwig rushed into the Convention Center towards the CAPCOM booth. It was adorned with Monster Hunter World: Iceborne materials, and it was rather chilly to the hot-headed Koopa. Unfortunately, there was nothing on Ace Attorney.

“Hey, did you guys announce the seventh mainline Ace Attorney game? We really need one for Phoenix Wright. Dude is just on the streets right now, suffering.” Ludwig told the CAPCOM booth operator.

The booth attendant shook her head. “No. But we're really excited about Monster Hunter World: Iceborne! It's an expansion pack to Monster Hunter: World, and it packs as much content as the original release itself! It's super worth it!”

Ludwig scowled and left the booth. He saw that Nintendo Treehouse: Live at E3 2019 was streaming over at the Nintendo booth. Seeing his opportunity, Ludwig burst through the vast Nintendo lines of fans waiting to play games there and tried to disrupt the show with Ace Attorney propaganda. As he was pushing through fans that were wrapped around the show floor, Ludwig tripped on an exposed power strip, shutting down electricity to the Convention Center, causing Nintendo Treehouse: Live to take a break... along with causing a lot of hysteria to the area.

A commotion of this magnitude attracted the attention of the other members of the Los Angeles Convention Center security force, as well as the local Los Angeles Police Department. In the most immediate vicinity, however, was the mob of smelly Nintendo fans that were livid over Ludwig's disruption of the booth and E3. They swarmed onto Ludwig and pinned him down until the police would arrive. Ludwig was screaming about the need for more Ace Attorney as they took him away to the Detention Center.

Ludwig was held in a Los Angeles Detention Center jail cell for the duration of E3 2019, until the authorities determined that he is an illegal alien to the United States of America. Upon that, they released him and told him to return for a deportation hearing in a year. Ludwig shrugged and left the vicinity back towards the original human residence that he started his Tuesday with. Once he arrived to the human household, he saw Kamek, Rawk, Wendy, and Witch Princess in the bedrooms.

“Where were you, boss?” Kamek asked.

“We were waiting for you.” Witch said, patting Ludwig on the head.

“It's a really long story. Let's get out of here and back to Koopa Kingdom. I'll write about it on KoopaTV on Friday.” Ludwig said.

Rawk shook his feathers. “You can't just say? Dude.”

“This is why I don't talk to you anymore.” Wendy muttered.

And so Kamek inter-universe-teleported (much better than time travel) the KoopaTV staff from Los Angeles back to Koopa Kingdom, which is where and when Ludwig finally watched the Nintendo Direct at E3 2019. He then wrote about his ordeal in a KoopaTV article, and vowed never to visit California again. He wondered why they didn't just have Kamek teleport the staff to Los Angeles to begin with instead of spending money on airfare and lodging, but at least flying in a plane is a pleasant experience.

Ludwig then learned that Nintendo set a bunch of Nintendo Switch games on sale for a week because of E3 2019. One of them is Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney Trilogy, which is now set to 20% off until June 18th. Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney Trilogy is also 60% off on Nintendo 3DS.

Nintendo E3 2019 digital sale Phoenix Wright Ace Attorney Trilogy
Unfortunately, the discounts cut directly into Phoenix Wright's royalty payments, so if you buy the games now, then you're not helping him at all.

I actually recommended when Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney Trilogy released on Nintendo Switch to wait for it to be on sale. ...I didn't think it'd take only two months. $24 isn't a big improvement from $30, but it's under-priced to begin with.

And Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney Trilogy was on sale for the 3DS only one month ago! (Then, as now, it's $12.)

At least Nintendo called Ace Attorney a fan-favourite franchise.


And that's the story of why Ludwig was gone at E3 2019. He has absolutely no intention of returning to Los Angeles a year from now for his deportation hearing. Besides, he self-deported out of there. Do you think Phoenix Wright was on drugs? How did he get a daughter? Can he really time travel? Having written out the story, it seems rather obvious that Ludwig wasn't successful at doing anything but getting CAPCOM to put Phoenix's Trilogy at a discount, and causing Treehouse Live to shut down for a bit on Wednesday. Phoenix Wright certainly wasn't impressed with his behaviour.


Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney Trilogy is 30% off on Steam mere weeks later.
Then it turns 30% off on the Nintendo eShop a month later.
And in the same week after, Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney Trilogy is 33% off on Steam.
Could there be a connection between the opioid epidemic and Dr. Mario?

2 comments :

  1. Well. That certainly sounds like one heck of a trip, in multiple senses of the word.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well there's the trip to Los Angeles, my Narcotics Wall guilt trip, and then my physical trip over the power strip.

      I hope this serves as enough of an explanation.

      Delete

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