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Thursday, June 13, 2019

Your Majesty and My Majesty: Unicorns vs. Narwhals Splatfest!

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - Let's keep the word majesty meaningful.

You may be thinking, “Ludwig, why are you publishing about a Splatoon 2 Splatfest during E3 Weeks 2019?” Because I have no choice and Nintendo decided to have a Splatfest happen right when E3 ends. I have to write and publish coverage of this at some point before the 15th, so I picked Thursday, the designated Nintendo Treehouse Live: Indie Game Edition day. No one's going to whine for us not covering that, right?

This month's Splatfest is about two horned mythical/rare creatures: The unicorn and the narwhal.

Splatoon 2 Splatfest news more majestic creature Unicorn vs. Narwhal
Which creature is more majestic? The unicorn or the narwhal?

I had to do a lot of research for this Splatfest. You see, Pearl and Marina spent a lot of time discussing not the majestic attributes of the unicorn or the narwhal, but whether or not they exist. Allegedly, unicorns don't exist but narwhals do. Marina went into a tangent about how her landlord is a narwhal. Really uninformative banter from them overall that I had to supplement.

In my world, there is no such thing as a unicorn and there is no such thing as a narwhal. There's some ancient and non-living depictions of unicorn-like figures that signify they may have once existed (in the flesh or in someone's minds). By comparison, there's literally no mention of narwhals in the entire history of Koopa Kingdom, the Mushroom Kingdom, or anywhere else in Star World.

Mario's Picross unicorn puzzle solution Game Boy Kinoko Course 4D
Mario successfully excavated a unicorn depiction.
Of course, this doesn't prove one ever existed.

I quickly found out that the narwhal's long horn is actually a large tooth sticking out. They mostly occur in male narwhals—females with a giant tooth are rare. That immediately reminded me of... myself. (See my author picture for why.)

I also discovered that the common pronunciation of narwhal is “nar-WALL.” This made me happy, because I'm concluding that's short for “narcotics wall”, which is something that I want to see President Donald John Trump build on the United States's southern border. (A wall to prevent narcotics from entering the country, instead of a wall made out of narcotics.)

Clearly, there's little more majestic than a mythical creature that has something in common with me, and is a big supporter of a BIG, BEAUTIFUL WALL. I was all set to support Team Narwhal, until I went ahead and looked up what they actually look like where they actually exist: the human world, Earth.

Narwhal face National Geographic Wild horn tusk tooth swimming in water
Narwhals face screen capture from this National Geographic Wild video.

That's disgusting. It looks like a Shadow Beast from The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess. That's not majestic at all. It's a blob with a giant tusk. They don't have facial features. That narwhal art for the Splatfest is total FAKE NEWS. Actual narwhals are nothing close to being majestic.

Majestic implies a sense of royalty and magnificence. I, for example, am majestic. I'm a prince. I look phenomenal and fangirls fall on themselves upon seeing my splendor.

The narwhal? Absolutely not.

The unicorn wins by default. Rather than be depicted as freaky ferocious beasts, unicorns are always depicted as pleasant yet naturally regal. While it's hard to know exactly what they look like due to them not existing in my world or in your's, that's more majestic than the narwhal. You know, being rare and scarce and not something you see every day. (Or even any day, ever.)

You're extremely lucky that you get to interact with someone as majestic as me right here on KoopaTV every day (or five days a week). Not everyone on the Internet knows about this site, however, so they're an unfortunate peasant who can play with narwhals.


Just to make it clear, Ludwig picked Team Unicorn just based on how ugly narwhals are. Ludwig wrote this article before E3 began (he wouldn't have the time during the week between watching conferences and searching for Phoenix Wright), but hopefully all of the notions in this article do not become obsolete by June 13th. You can help reduce the amount of losers out there by sharing KoopaTV to people who are missing out on Ludwig's majesty. Referring specific people also helps your score in the KoopaTV Loyalty Rewards Program.

The Splatfest before this one was Time Travel vs. Teleportation, which is a very important topic that keeps becoming relevant.
The write-up for the last Splatoon 2 Splatfest is here... Chaos. Vs. Order.


  1. I tried to think of something to say about Narwhals that would be like, a reason to pull for them but they're not even endangered. They're like, on the low end of the radar of the people who classify that sort of thing, at worst. Yeah, I got nothing.

    1. Playing on Team Unicorn right now! (Writing this comment in-between games.)

      Team Narwhal has a marginally better pink-purple colour than Team Unicorn's light blue, but it's far from a convincing factor.

  2. Rapidash's horn drill missed. I should have taken my daughter's opinion more seriously when she peed on her unicorn pajamas and not her narwhal pajamas the Sunday before the Splatfest.

    1. ...Did she have a choice on which one to pee on?

    2. She did not pee on her narwhal pajamas when she wore them the Monday before the Splatfest.

    3. Well, to truly be 1:1...
      ...Did she already pee before wearing the narwhal pajamas, and not before wearing the unicorns?

    4. Both times she wore them the night before and woke up with them in the morning. She is in that phase that she hates diapers but also refuses to be potty trained. She takes her diaper off constantly including even in bed so I out these kinds of pajamas on her to keep the diaper on during the night which are the unicorn and narwhals pajamas. But she somehow managed to unstrap the diaper while still having the unicorn pajamas on and slept through the night with an unhinged diaper underneath her pajamas.

    5. That doesn't answer my question!

      For example, sometimes I pee before going to sleep. Sometimes I just go to sleep. (...and pee upon waking up, or in the middle of the night. ...Not on my bed.)

    6. We always put her on a clean diaper before bed. Hard to tell if a tot made in her diaper right before bed after putting a clean diaper.

    7. ...I guess the problem here is that I fundamentally don't know how babies and diapers actually work.


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