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Sunday, June 9, 2019

Bethesda Conference and Devolver Direct: E3 2019 Live Reactions

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! (Says the audience.)

Let's end E3 2019's Sunday with a conference dedicated to a screwed up audience and fanbase at Bethesda, and a pseudo-conference created by a screwed up marketing team at Devolver Digital. That's not to say Bethesda doesn't have weird staff members—most the article pictures are dedicated to them. This is also the last day of E3 Weeks 2019 that I'll be available for all of the days proceedings. I have business to take care of.

Hopefully the other staffers pick up the slack. 

And for the other staffers on this log, there's RawkHawk2010. ...And there's Ryu (mostly on the Bethesda log) who isn't a staffer but has the unique privilege of hanging out with us since we've known him for over 15 years. Click here to jump right to the Devolver section. (It's much shorter.)


[5:30 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: @everyone

https://www.twitch.tv/twitch

Bethesda and then Devolver Digital now

[5:30 PM] RawkHawk2010: :koopa_koot:

[5:31 PM] RawkHawk2010: At least I have alcohol.

[5:31 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: I already finished all  my milk.


[5:31 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: :(

[5:32 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: "I started out as a 16 year old gamer"

[5:32 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: Guess she skipped having a childhood.

[5:32 PM] RawkHawk2010: lol

[5:32 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: "We see you... because we ARE you."

[5:32 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: That's terrifying.

[5:32 PM] RawkHawk2010: Sounds like you but with television.

[5:33 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: I never claimed to be born as a 16 year old!

[5:33 PM] RawkHawk2010: Maybe she was in cryosleep until she was 16.

[5:33 PM] RawkHawk2010: ...But then she wouldn't actually have aged.

[5:33 PM] RawkHawk2010: :mario_shrug:

[5:34 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: Pete Hines needs some make-up.

[5:35 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: By the way, no one's doing any tribute to the Virginia Beach shooting.

[5:35 PM] Ryu: mentionned Fallout

[5:35 PM] RawkHawk2010: Wendy said she doesn't care about E3. So the only actual PC gamer isn't here.

[5:35 PM] Ryu: (I'm a PC gamer)

[5:35 PM] RawkHawk2010: (Really?)

[5:35 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: ...Wait what am I paying for her Los Angeles trip for!?

[5:35 PM] RawkHawk2010: (Huh, didn't know.)

[5:35 PM] Ryu: I'm sad Todd wasn't the first on stage

[5:36 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: I forgot how obnoxious Bethesda's audience is.

[5:36 PM] RawkHawk2010: Well there's a lot of things to do in this city.

[5:36 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: Tonight they're going to show clips or whatever from actual Bethesda fans.

[5:36 PM] RawkHawk2010: Ask Phoenix.

[5:36 PM] Ryu: People are hyped about Doom Eternal?

[5:37 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: Todd Howard coming on.

[5:37 PM] RawkHawk2010: aka Gary Oak

[5:37 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: Dude looks the same every year.


Todd Howard Bethesda E3 2019
Todd is going to fall asleep already. Too bad the raucous audience will keep him awake.

[5:37 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: Doesn't he age?

[5:37 PM] Ryu: oh wait, I thought it was that Diablo game for a moment

[5:37 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: He sounds like he has a cold.

[5:37 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: ...Like Gary Oak's voice in the Sinnoh anime.

[5:37 PM] RawkHawk2010: That's why this is literally Gary Oak.

[5:37 PM] Ryu: Todd indirectly joked about Fallout

[5:38 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: Fallout 76 gets applause.

[5:38 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: So don't trust this audience.

[5:38 PM] Ryu: They kept playing?

[5:38 PM] RawkHawk2010:


Bill Pokémon compared to Bethesda Todd Howard
Bill is the inventor of the Pokémon PC. He's notable for getting stuck in a fursuit.


[5:38 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: That's Bill.

[5:38 PM] RawkHawk2010: ...

[5:38 PM] RawkHawk2010: Oh.

[5:38 PM] RawkHawk2010: :pikachu_laugh:

[5:39 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: This stream is falling apart in terms playback.

[5:39 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: Going to /bethesda

[5:39 PM] RawkHawk2010: ...Why the fuck weren't you already there?

[5:39 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: Because Twitch was gonna bring us right to Devolver after.

[5:39 PM] RawkHawk2010: I'm still surprised you're so bent on watching re-broadcasts.

[5:40 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: Well where is Devolver natively broadcasted?

[5:40 PM] RawkHawk2010: Guy on left looks like he hasn't slept in days.

[5:40 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: Dragon Quest?

[5:40 PM] Ryu: A new dragon!

[5:40 PM] RawkHawk2010: Dragon Quest...line.

[5:40 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: Oh this is mobile stuff.

[5:40 PM] RawkHawk2010: Shadowdrop.

[5:40 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: "The Elder Scrolls Blades"

[5:40 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: wait wot

[5:40 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: SWITCH

[5:40 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: ????

[5:40 PM] RawkHawk2010: Switch Blades

[5:41 PM] Ryu: Mobile game for Switch

[5:41 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: MOBILE TRASH GOING TO BECOME A SWITCH GAME?

[5:41 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: ...Is it still gonna be trash?

[5:41 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: ...Yeah.


Bethesda E3 2019 The Elder Scrolls Blades Nintendo Switch coming Fall 2019
The Elder Scrolls Blades coming to Nintendo Switch Fall 2019. I'm not touching it.


[5:41 PM] Ryu: ...should I count it on my bingo?

[5:41 PM] RawkHawk2010: >Pokemon Quest

[5:41 PM] Ryu: Let's say no

[5:41 PM] Ryu: omg, it's free

[5:41 PM] RawkHawk2010: Is this Elder Scrolls 6?

[5:41 PM] Ryu: no

[5:41 PM] RawkHawk2010: Oh then no.

[5:41 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: "Blades is the perfect fit for the Switch."

[5:42 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: You can cross-play it with the mobile version.

[5:42 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: And it's in Nintendo's booth.

[5:42 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: Looks yucky.

[5:42 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: "Let me introduce Jeff and Tom to tell you what's coming to Fallout 76."

[5:42 PM] Ryu: People are cheering for Fallout 76

[5:42 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: Tom Mustaine giving a very creeeeepy giggle.


Bethesda E3 2019 Tom Mustaine Jeff Gardiner Fallout 76 game developers
Left: Tom Mustaine
Right: Jeff Gardiner
They develop Fallout 76.


[5:42 PM] Ryu: Millions?

[5:43 PM] RawkHawk2010: These look exactly like what you'd expect Fallout  76 devs to look like.

[5:44 PM] Ryu: omg, no more dialogue wheel

[5:44 PM] Ryu: that's actual progress

[5:44 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: So does this year's Bethesda E3 not have a theme to it?

[5:44 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: I miss Bethesdaland.

[5:45 PM] RawkHawk2010: This audience is fake as fuck.

[5:45 PM] RawkHawk2010: Some guy looked like he was about to cry tears of excitement.

[5:45 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: "That's right... human NPCs are coming to Fallout 76!"

Audience: THANK YOU THANK YOUUU!!!!!!!!

[5:45 PM] RawkHawk2010: But maybe he just really is that invested.

[5:45 PM] Ryu: Those remaining 100 players

[5:45 PM] RawkHawk2010: Both these dudes have the exact same stout proportions.

[5:46 PM] RawkHawk2010: It's making me nervous.

[5:46 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: (Jeff Gardiner and Tim Mustaine)

[5:47 PM] RawkHawk2010: Battle Royale?

[5:47 PM] Ryu: When in doubt, battle royale mode

[5:47 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: Well I generally approve of Ring of Fire as a soundtrack.

[5:47 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: Better than that weird rap we heard in Microsoft's.

[5:47 PM] Ryu: Johnny Cash would be disappointed

[5:47 PM] RawkHawk2010: Clever use of it here yeah.

[5:48 PM] RawkHawk2010: When turning Fortnite's storm into a...fire storm.

[5:48 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: "52-player Battle Royale Mode"

[5:48 PM] Ryu: 52? That's random

[5:48 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: "Nuclear Winter 76"

[5:48 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: "FUCK YEAH WE PUT A BATTLE ROYALE IN FALLOUT 76!" - Tim

[5:48 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: (Sorry for the swears folks I'm just quoting)

[5:49 PM] RawkHawk2010: Well they have to excite the audience man.

[5:49 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: Alright they're finally gone.

[5:49 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: Todd Howard back.

[5:49 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: "Everything we talk about that's releasing this year is FREE."

[5:49 PM] RawkHawk2010: I wish Doug Bowser would cuss.

[5:49 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: So are they going bankrupt or wot

[5:50 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: Is it over?

[5:50 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: He's thanking everyone.

[5:50 PM] RawkHawk2010: lol

[5:50 PM] RawkHawk2010: Shinji Megami Tensei

[5:50 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: "Please welcome the founder of Tango Gameworks, Mr. Shinji Mikami."

[5:50 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: "HERRO!"

[5:51 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: Audience is cheering random Japanese.

[5:51 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: "Ghostwire Tokyo" new game announcement.

[5:51 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: This guy needs closed captions.

[5:51 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: "IT'S GONNA BE HYPE!" -  fake audience member

[5:52 PM] Ryu: yeaaaaaaah

[5:52 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: "YAAAAAY!" - new speaker. "SO MANY PEOPRE" Ikumi Nakamura

[5:52 PM] Ryu: So many peopur

[5:52 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: "SUCH A BIG STAGE MAKE ME NERVOUS. I DO MY BEST TO SPEAK IN ENGRISH"

[5:52 PM] RawkHawk2010: she actually didn't say "engrish" surprisingly

[5:53 PM] Ryu: Why are they making her speak in English?

Bethesda E3 2019 Ikumi Makamura Ghostwire Tokyo Japanese woman
Ikumi Makamura in the process of saying “spooky” for Ghostwire Tokyo.


[5:53 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: I don't think they have a translator.

[5:53 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: Why is she on the side of the stage?

[5:53 PM] RawkHawk2010: I'd rather listen to Iwata English then listen to a translator anyway.

[5:53 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: And not the centre?

[5:53 PM] RawkHawk2010: Translators can't be trusted.

[5:53 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: Well now she's off the stage entirely.

[5:54 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: I have pictures of the speakers and not the games themselves.

[5:54 PM] RawkHawk2010: wtf

[5:54 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: Because this conference so far has been less about games and more about Bethesda employees.

[5:54 PM] RawkHawk2010: Imperfect Cell came through?

[5:54 PM] RawkHawk2010: Missile

[5:54 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: wot

[5:54 PM] Ryu: Poor Shiba inu

[5:55 PM] RawkHawk2010: That was the Shiba Inu Missile.

[5:55 PM] RawkHawk2010: As opposed to the Ghost Trick Missile.

[5:55 PM] RawkHawk2010: (pomeranian)

[5:55 PM] Ryu: that noodle transistion

[5:55 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: I wish those noodles were gluten-free.

[5:55 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: So is Ghostwire Tokyo also free?

[5:55 PM] RawkHawk2010: "Don't fear the unknown. Attack it." sounds like a Ben Shapiro quote.

[5:55 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: No release timeframe.

[5:56 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: Here's some testimonials from Bethesda fans.

[5:56 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: wtf

[5:56 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: Is she cosplaying

[5:56 PM] Ryu: Hellblade's protagonist irl

[5:56 PM] RawkHawk2010: that was terrifying

[5:56 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: or is that what she looks like normally?

[5:56 PM] RawkHawk2010: hat the fuck

[5:56 PM] RawkHawk2010: that guy had blood on him

[5:56 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: Bethesda fans are WEIRD.

[5:56 PM] Ryu: More pats on the back

[5:56 PM] RawkHawk2010: Someone looked like the frog girl Touhou character.

[5:57 PM] RawkHawk2010: this dude's cheekbones

[5:57 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: LLOLOL

[5:57 PM] Ryu: Oblivion saved his life

[5:57 PM] RawkHawk2010: MUH LYFE

[5:57 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: "I played Oblivion, I'll tell you, it probably saved my life."

[5:57 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: "If you can beat a dragon, you can beat any illness."

[5:57 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: "ADD DRAGONS TO EVERYTHING."

[5:57 PM] RawkHawk2010: Almost everyone in that segment looked fucked up.

[5:57 PM] RawkHawk2010: Non-exaggeration.

[5:58 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: (He really isn't exaggerating.)

[5:58 PM] RawkHawk2010: (Either looked or sounded.)

[5:58 PM] Ryu: don't do drugs, crowd

[5:58 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: Matt Firor comes to stage to say The Elder Scrolls Online has dragons.

[5:58 PM] RawkHawk2010: Remind me to go back and watch that.

[5:58 PM] Ryu: Bethesda: Dragons!

[5:58 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: I wonder if Charssie looks like one of those screwed up people.

[5:59 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: This audience needs their mic cut.

[5:59 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: This is why pre-recorded Directs are better.

[5:59 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: You want to deal with dumb Nintendo fans screaming "WHERE'S MOTHER 3!?!?" the whole time?

[6:00 PM] Ryu: Someone should kick those two guys on the front

[6:00 PM] Ryu: They'd be throwing crabs

[6:00 PM] RawkHawk2010: throwback to when Panzer Dragoon footage didn't have sound at MS 2013 and someone on the front row went "na na NA na na!"

[6:00 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: LOL

[6:00 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: We're half an hour into this.

[6:00 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: And it feels like they haven't announced anything.

[6:01 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: At least Microsoft used their time extremely well.

[6:01 PM] Ryu: Check out that dragon!

[6:01 PM] RawkHawk2010: It's still been better than I expected.

[6:01 PM] RawkHawk2010: LOL

[6:01 PM] RawkHawk2010: I THOUGHT THAT WAS A PERSON

[6:01 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: Nah it's a cat.

[6:01 PM] RawkHawk2010: Oh

[6:01 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: THAT'S a person.

[6:01 PM] RawkHawk2010: There's still a human, okay.

[6:01 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: That... used to be a human.

[6:02 PM] RawkHawk2010: This looks weird.

[6:02 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: Where's the "NOT ACTUAL GAMEPLAY" warning?

[6:02 PM] Ryu: Skeletor stood no chance

[6:02 PM] RawkHawk2010: Like every character came from a different game.

[6:02 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: Like, what are we even watching?

[6:02 PM] RawkHawk2010: my thoughts exactly

[6:03 PM] Ryu: A trailer about something on Elder Scrolls Online, I think

[6:03 PM] RawkHawk2010: It looks like a mascot fighter, just with people we've never seen.

[6:03 PM] RawkHawk2010: and with a raid battle

[6:03 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: So is this an in-game cutscene?

[6:03 PM] Ryu: That cat didn't land on its feet

[6:03 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: Guess it's really a human.

[6:04 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: Just in a fursuit.

[6:04 PM] RawkHawk2010: I hope they call him Black Panther in-game.

[6:04 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: "TO BE CONTINUED..."

[6:04 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: Elsweyr?

[6:04 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: The Elder Scrolls Elsweyr available now.

[6:04 PM] RawkHawk2010: Did we miss another "TO BE CONTINUED" prior?

[6:04 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: Well according to this guy, we were supposed to recognise the characters in that.

[6:04 PM] RawkHawk2010: I see.

[6:05 PM] RawkHawk2010: Ryu I don't think this will be on Switch.

[6:05 PM] Ryu: That's not Elder Scrolls VI

[6:05 PM] RawkHawk2010: oh

[6:05 PM] RawkHawk2010: How many modern Elder Scrolls are there?!

[6:05 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: "But wait there's more"

[6:05 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: A new project from Zenimax Studios, Kira Shit?

[6:05 PM] Ryu: What's the name?

[6:06 PM] RawkHawk2010: Some of these audience cheers sound like Smash KO death screams.

[6:06 PM] Ryu: I knew it

[6:06 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: Where's her name card?

[6:06 PM] Ryu: what

[6:06 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: Free-to-play mobile game.




[6:06 PM] Ryu: Commander Keen, really?

[6:06 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: "Commander Keen"

[6:06 PM] Ryu: aha

[6:06 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: "get your anus to Mars"

[6:06 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: ??

[6:06 PM] RawkHawk2010: More CalArts.

[6:06 PM] Ryu: Commander Keen is now co-op

[6:07 PM] RawkHawk2010: Never remotely heard of this.

[6:07 PM] Ryu: Well, that's the best surprise of E3 so far

[6:07 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: "Kira Schlitt"

[6:07 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: "It was one of the first PC action games, created by id software in the early 1990s."

[6:08 PM] RawkHawk2010: Is this like Ys where it's been around forever yet no one's heard of it?

[6:08 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: Meet Billy (male) and Billie (female).

[6:08 PM] RawkHawk2010: Or was it in the early 90s and then just disappeared?

[6:08 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: Seen on a mobile screen now.

[6:08 PM] Ryu: Commander Keen was well known back then

[6:08 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: Interest suddenly gone.

[6:08 PM] Ryu: it was a pretty popular PC game series

[6:08 PM] RawkHawk2010: I spy gacha

[6:09 PM] Ryu: oh, it's mobile. Never mind the hype

[6:09 PM] Ryu: way to ruin it

[6:09 PM] RawkHawk2010: This woman's commentary is too bombastic.

[6:09 PM] RawkHawk2010: It's not that interesting.

[6:09 PM] Ryu: Assteroids

[6:10 PM] RawkHawk2010: WE LIKE MOBILE GAMES

Kira Schlitt Commander Keen mobile Bethesda E3 2019
WE LIKE MOBILE GAMES.

[6:10 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: "At Bethesda, we, like you, like mobile games."

[6:10 PM] Ryu: "We, like you, like mobile games"

[6:10 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: Rawk is this still better than you expected?

[6:10 PM] Ryu: Another Elder Scrolls game

[6:10 PM] RawkHawk2010: It's more entertaining.

[6:10 PM] RawkHawk2010: But no there's nothing here I'd even think about buying.

[6:10 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: Well, yes, it's fun to laugh at them.

[6:10 PM] Ryu: Pretty sure that game bombed

[6:11 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: I downloaded Fallout Shelter to my Switch and never touched it once.

[6:11 PM] RawkHawk2010: Or even wanting.

[6:11 PM] Ryu: Skyrim's music

[6:11 PM] RawkHawk2010: I downloaded Warframe and never touched it.

[6:11 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: ...Though unlike No More Heroes and Hollow Knight, I don't ever intend to fix that.

[6:11 PM] RawkHawk2010: CRAB

[6:11 PM] RawkHawk2010: I SAW

[6:11 PM] RawkHawk2010: A CRAB

[6:11 PM] Ryu: I downloaded Fortnite and never touched it

[6:11 PM] RawkHawk2010: (But no one threw it.)

[6:12 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: I never imagined they'd say with a straight face that "we, like you, like mobile games."

[6:12 PM] RawkHawk2010: Mobile Crabs sound gross.

[6:12 PM] Ryu: "We ruined another classic by releasing it on mobile"

[6:12 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: (It's The Elder Scrolls Legends)

[6:12 PM] Ryu: Bethesda: See! Dragons!

[6:13 PM] RawkHawk2010: There's no way people can be reacting positively to this online.

[6:13 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: What made Bethesda think this was a good idea?

[6:13 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: Is it the weirdos in the audience?

[6:13 PM] RawkHawk2010: "We'll see you there, clapping!"

[6:13 PM] RawkHawk2010: He's commanding fans to go somewhere and clap.

[6:13 PM] RawkHawk2010: "Please clap." - Jeb Bush

[6:13 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: Sounds like JEB!.

[6:14 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: ...yeah.

[6:14 PM] Ryu: Rage 2 is a sitcom

[6:14 PM] RawkHawk2010: More horrifying characters.

[6:14 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: Still better than Big Bang Theory.

[6:14 PM] Ryu: Bethesda's conference is already more fun than Microsoft

[6:14 PM] RawkHawk2010: What is it with this trend of horrifying PLAYABLE characters?

[6:14 PM] RawkHawk2010: I can understand it for villains obviously.

[6:14 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: ahem

[6:15 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: 'scuse me.

[6:15 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: Mr. Hawk.

[6:15 PM] RawkHawk2010: Eeny Meeny Miney Mech

[6:15 PM] Ryu: I forgot Rage 2 came out

[6:15 PM] RawkHawk2010: (Also Rawk Hawk isn't ugly Ludwig.)

[6:15 PM] Ryu: Incoming nazi talk

[6:15 PM] RawkHawk2010: (Or playable?)

[6:16 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: ...(I think you missed what I'm getting at)

[6:16 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: Jerk Gustafsson

[6:16 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: ...His name is literally Jerk.

[6:16 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: "We take you back to Europe with two new Wolfenstein games."

[6:16 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: "We are taking Nazi-killing in Virtual Reality with Wolfenstein Cyberpilot."

[6:16 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: Can this guy go back to Europe with the games?

[6:16 PM] Ryu: Not sure what's his accent

[6:16 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: And out of America?

[6:17 PM] RawkHawk2010: VR Nazi Punching

[6:17 PM] RawkHawk2010: Just what the industry was missing.

[6:17 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: Was Wolfenstein's whole marketing always about killing Nazis?

[6:17 PM] Ryu: Yes

[6:17 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: Even originally?

[6:17 PM] Ryu: Well, mainly the second game

[6:17 PM] Ryu: I'm not sure, but I wouldn't be surprised

[6:17 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: "Even more evil Nazis to kill."

[6:18 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: "In Young Blood, you can kill those Nazis with a friend."

[6:18 PM] RawkHawk2010: Killing nazis has always been a part of marketing.

[6:18 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: I have reason to hate Nazis more than anyone else in this chat, but I don't buy games for the purpose of murdering virtual Nazis.

[6:18 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: "shooting, stabbing, and killing Nazis."

[6:18 PM] RawkHawk2010: Like for that one movie I can't remember the name of.

[6:19 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: Are there games like this where you can kill Soviets?

[6:19 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: Or Islamists?

[6:19 PM] RawkHawk2010: Islamists? Uh.

[6:19 PM] RawkHawk2010: Maybe 50 Cent: Blood in the Sand.

[6:19 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: IS Defence existed at one point.

[6:19 PM] RawkHawk2010: But it's not marketed as a fetish.

[6:20 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: Yeah.

[6:20 PM] RawkHawk2010: The only reason this is actually obnoxious is because of how Bethesda used Trump in their marketing.

[6:20 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: Wolfenstein: Young Blood releases July for Xbox One, PlayStation 4, Nintendo Switch, and PC.

[6:21 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: "Dinga and Sebastian"

[6:21 PM] RawkHawk2010: Dinga Bakaba.

[6:21 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: Sébastien Mitton.

[6:21 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: Dinga Bakaba.

[6:21 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: Work for Arkane Lyon.

[6:21 PM] RawkHawk2010: Sounds like a banned Yu-Gi-Oh! card.

[6:21 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: Weirdo French people.

[6:21 PM] Ryu: That mustache

[6:22 PM] Ryu: Thanks for translating, I was going to

[6:22 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: I'm not watching Ubisoft's conference tomorrow.

[6:22 PM] Ryu: I would, but I can't

[6:22 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: This is enough French freaks for me.

[6:22 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: Or as Reggie would put it, "French food."

[6:23 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: Isn't this the same thing as that game we saw earlier?

[6:24 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: Was it Microsoft's?

[6:24 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: Where the black woman and the man were finishing each other's sentences?

[6:24 PM] RawkHawk2010: When even is Ubi's?

[6:24 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: "Deathloop"

[6:24 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: Monday at 1 PM Pacific.

[6:24 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: 4 PM Eastern.

[6:25 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: Weird French guy f-bombing.

[6:25 PM] RawkHawk2010: "Excuse my French" was clever at least.

[6:25 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: Bethesda people are just swearing to try to be interesting.

[6:25 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: OH NO

[6:25 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: THE BETHESDA TESTIMONIALS

[6:25 PM] RawkHawk2010: That one girl got punched in the eye.

[6:26 PM] RawkHawk2010: That girl was totally a Touhou character.

[6:26 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: "Just being someone who is LGBT, it feels nice to be able to play games and be accepted for who I am."

[6:26 PM] RawkHawk2010: cheekbones

[6:27 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: Everyone is a freaaaaaak.

[6:27 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: Ooh.

[6:27 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: Dude with a walking cane.


Robert Duffy CTO ID software James Altman DOOM Bethesda E3 2019 walking stick cane
To be perfectly clear, “dude with a walking cane” and “everyone is a freak” are not connected statements.
Completely seperate thoughts.
(Left: Robert Duffy, right: James Altman)

[6:27 PM] RawkHawk2010: Robert Duffy

[6:27 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: James Altman and Robert Duffy (walking stick).

[6:27 PM] Ryu: ID Software means Doom

[6:27 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: CTO of ID.

[6:27 PM] RawkHawk2010: Mustard > Booty > Duffy

[6:27 PM] RawkHawk2010: Duffy looks like he's gonna keel over any moment on stage.

[6:28 PM] Ryu: More pats on the back

[6:28 PM] RawkHawk2010: He's not moving.

[6:28 PM] Ryu: Where are the dragons?

[6:28 PM] RawkHawk2010: Kinda like Peter Ong.

[6:28 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: He's not saying anything.

[6:29 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: James is doing all the talk.

[6:29 PM] RawkHawk2010: Maybe he can't speak.

[6:29 PM] RawkHawk2010: nvm

[6:29 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: ...nevermind.

[6:29 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: Something named Orion and cloud streaming.

[6:29 PM] RawkHawk2010: It would have been memeable if he had been on stage and did literally nothing.

[6:30 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: 20% faster streaming per frame.

[6:30 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: And 40% lower bandwidth.

[6:30 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: It has an SDK for other developers.

[6:31 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: The audience loves mobile and loves game streaming.

[6:31 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: Pft, only 60 frames per second?

[6:31 PM] RawkHawk2010: I don't like this guy on the right.

[6:31 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: On Project Scarlett we can do 120 frames per second!

[6:32 PM] RawkHawk2010: What they showed probably has two-hour battery life.

[6:32 PM] RawkHawk2010: If that.

[6:32 PM] Ryu: "We'll see you in Hell"

[6:33 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: "Everybody can have a little more Doom in their lives." - Altman

"YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" - audience guy

"And we'll see you in Hell." - Duffy

[6:33 PM] RawkHawk2010: in b4 doomguy in smash reveal

[6:34 PM] RawkHawk2010: Doom doesn't look appealing to me at all.

[6:34 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: What is this trailer for?

[6:34 PM] Ryu: Doom

[6:34 PM] Ryu: Eternal

[6:34 PM] RawkHawk2010: As opposed to Doom Infinite

[6:34 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: Over an hour now.

[6:34 PM] Ryu: I wonder if they're getting a band to play the music again

[6:35 PM] RawkHawk2010: Hope not.

[6:35 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: Bethesda employees really like to touch each other.

[6:35 PM] RawkHawk2010: https://tenor.com/view/sonic-the-hedgehog-says-sez-gif-13335603

[6:37 PM] Ryu: Those are interesting transistions

[6:37 PM] Ryu: So it looks like the first Doom, just with a mid-air dash

[6:38 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: Some audience member is quacking "wHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT"

[6:38 PM] Ryu: Other guy: Yeah

[6:38 PM] Ryu: But we already did

[6:39 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: Third trailer for Doom Eternal.

[6:39 PM] RawkHawk2010: At first I thought Ludwig was exaggerating about the Besthesda audience being obnoxious but nah he really wasn't.

[6:40 PM] RawkHawk2010: They're showing the same thing again just it's not technically a trailer.

[6:40 PM] Ryu: It's almost the same as the first game lol

[6:40 PM] RawkHawk2010: I don't consider gore a turn-on.

[6:41 PM] Ryu: you don't need to do a gore kill,

[6:41 PM] Ryu: it's optional fortunately lol

[6:41 PM] RawkHawk2010: But I thought that's what DOOM was all about.

[6:42 PM] Ryu: only the new one

[6:42 PM] Ryu: The originals weren't just gore

[6:42 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: ew

[6:43 PM] RawkHawk2010: no interest

[6:43 PM] Ryu: Spoiler: Doomguy dies

[6:43 PM] RawkHawk2010: plz don't let doomguy be in smash

[6:43 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: Some audience members gonna leave.

[6:43 PM] RawkHawk2010: "that was awesome" - dev on his own game

[6:43 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: November 22. (Presumably 2019)

[6:44 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: "Yeah, yeah. That's an actual helmet. ..........You can wear that thing."

[6:44 PM] RawkHawk2010: "YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

[6:44 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: Audience member upon hearing you can wear it: YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!

[6:44 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: DOOM Battle Mode.

[6:45 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: "This is PURE DOOM... but with your friends."

[6:45 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: "First-person fighter."

[6:45 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: ROFL

[6:45 PM] RawkHawk2010: Ludwig our Yeah!'s were like one A away from being the same length.

[6:45 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: Camera pans to this guy RUNNING out of the audience.

[6:45 PM] RawkHawk2010: lol

[6:45 PM] Ryu: Doom sucks, it doesn't have any dragon

[6:46 PM] RawkHawk2010: in b4 Battle Royale

[6:46 PM] RawkHawk2010: okay it's not that

[6:47 PM] Ryu: Another hell joke

[6:47 PM] RawkHawk2010: Man

[6:47 PM] RawkHawk2010: Fuck DOOM.

[6:47 PM] RawkHawk2010: It just looks so brainless.

[6:47 PM] Ryu: that's what "fun" about it

[6:47 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: So this conference has been WE LIKE MOBILE, KILL NAZIS, and SEE YOU IN HELL.

[6:47 PM] RawkHawk2010: #edge

[6:47 PM] Ryu: Doomcon lol

[6:47 PM] RawkHawk2010: ...

[6:48 PM] RawkHawk2010: Doomcon is gonna be truly odorous.

[6:48 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: It's over.

[6:48 PM] Ryu: "One more thing?"

[6:48 PM] Ryu: no

[6:48 PM] Ryu: ok

[6:48 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: Alright, where do we watch Devolver?

[6:48 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: Last montage.

[6:48 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: Of Bethesda employees patting each other on the back.

[6:49 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: (And the fans)

[6:49 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: In this montage, those Japanese people get to speak in Japanese.

[6:49 PM] RawkHawk2010: KANPAI

[6:49 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: With sub-titles.

[6:50 PM] RawkHawk2010: The entertaining parts were entertaining.



[6:50 PM] RawkHawk2010: The DOOM part was boring as shit.

[6:51 PM] RawkHawk2010: It could've been worse?

[6:51 PM] RawkHawk2010: I laughed out loud during at least one part.

[6:51 PM] RawkHawk2010: Microsoft didn't do that for me.

[6:51 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: ...I mean I'm putting Microsoft above this.

[6:52 PM] RawkHawk2010: Well in terms of games yeah.

[6:52 PM] Ryu: I'm not

[6:52 PM] Ryu: it was less boring

[6:52 PM] RawkHawk2010: Bethesda's was a more engaging presentation.

[6:53 PM] RawkHawk2010: Microsoft's was just a reel and I don't consider that very satisfactory.

[6:53 PM] RawkHawk2010: Hardly any actual commentary.

[6:53 PM] RawkHawk2010: Nintendo will at least presumably have that.

[6:53 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: Bethesda had lots of commentary... just about the games AND themselves.

[6:54 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: And the freaky fans.

[6:54 PM] Ryu: and dragons

[6:54 PM] RawkHawk2010: I'm fine with that.

[6:54 PM] RawkHawk2010: Ludwig ask yourself

[6:54 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: Devolver links to twitch.tv/twitch

[6:54 PM] Ryu: I liked Commander Keen the most until they showed it was a mobile game

[6:54 PM] RawkHawk2010: Why else would you be watching a Bethesda presentation aside from entertainment?

[6:54 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: For where to watch it.

[6:54 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: Well...

[6:54 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: 'cause I'm obligated to.

[6:55 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: ...so it might as well be entertaining.

[6:55 PM] RawkHawk2010: That's why I watch.

[6:57 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: (These Twitch commentators are annoying)

[6:57 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: (We're not like that, are we?)

[6:58 PM] RawkHawk2010: Hell if I know.

[6:58 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: (I wonder what headsets they use)

[6:59 PM] RawkHawk2010: A KoopaTV podcast would be weird.

[6:59 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: We were supposed to have one!

[6:59 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: Called KoopaTV Radio!

[6:59 PM] RawkHawk2010: I feel like there'd be a lot of awkward silence.

[7:00 PM] RawkHawk2010: "dead air"

[7:00 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: It's time.

[7:00 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: Devolver!

[7:00 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: "The Devolver Digital Big Fancy Press Conference 2019"

[7:00 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: Or as I put it, "The Devolver Digital Press Joke"

[7:01 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: uhhh

[7:01 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: Twitch is offline.

[7:01 PM] RawkHawk2010: same

[7:01 PM] RawkHawk2010: nope it started

[7:01 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: Doesn't sur-...

[7:01 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: oh.

[7:01 PM] RawkHawk2010: yup, it's the same shit as always

[7:02 PM] RawkHawk2010: lol

[7:02 PM] RawkHawk2010: Is this a sequel?

[7:02 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: 2018 was a sequel to 2017.

[7:02 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: So this is a sequel to that.

[7:02 PM] RawkHawk2010: Okay because I remember the cliffhanger now.

[7:02 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: I remember nothing and I don't want to.

[7:03 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: Somehow this guy is less annoying than Bethesda's audience.

[7:04 PM] RawkHawk2010: This is like a weird-ass Sundance film festival movie.

[7:05 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: Well at least this person is using euphemisms instead of swears.

[7:05 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: ...oh.

[7:05 PM] RawkHawk2010: Did that guy get his mohawk all just for this?

[7:05 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: "Devolver Direct"

[7:06 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: I guess they're done parodying press conferences and went to parody Directs.

[7:06 PM] RawkHawk2010: I forgot how weird these things are.

[7:07 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: I thought you remembered the cliffhanger.

[7:07 PM] RawkHawk2010: I did.

[7:07 PM] RawkHawk2010: But not in detail.

[7:07 PM] RawkHawk2010: lol this really is a Direct.

[7:08 PM] RawkHawk2010: is this a Battle Royale?

[7:08 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: Going with no.

[7:08 PM] RawkHawk2010: "Fall Guys"

[7:08 PM] RawkHawk2010: Well he's wearing a crown.

[7:08 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: Fall Guys Ultimate Knockout, 2020, PS4 and PC.

[7:08 PM] RawkHawk2010: "Devolver Direct"

[7:08 PM] Ryu: Pink got robbed

[7:08 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: Yo they look the Direct style.

[7:09 PM] RawkHawk2010: This implies Directs take place in comatose people's brains.

[7:09 PM] RawkHawk2010: Which makes sense since it's...well, direct.

[7:10 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: They're saying something about making their own digital distribution front.

[7:10 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: "Devolver Bootleg"

[7:10 PM] RawkHawk2010: is this real

[7:10 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: 8-in-1 pack of Devolver games.

[7:11 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: (Or bad versions of Devolver games)

[7:11 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: ew this is Doom all over again

[7:11 PM] RawkHawk2010: XENOMORPH

[7:12 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: World premiere of "Carrion"

[7:12 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: "A reverse horror experience"

[7:12 PM] RawkHawk2010: Reverse Horror?

[7:12 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: Well I don't do well with horror games so maybe reverse horror is my style?

[7:13 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: I think you control the thing causing horror to other people.

[7:13 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: As opposed to living through the horror.

[7:13 PM] RawkHawk2010: oh

[7:13 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: ...Eh not my style.

[7:15 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: ...

[7:15 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: Enter the Gungeon; arcade market.

[7:16 PM] RawkHawk2010: This is bad because I can't tell what in this presentation is and isn't real.

[7:16 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: "Enter the Gungeon: House of the Gundead".

[7:16 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: Real actual arcades in 2020.

[7:16 PM] RawkHawk2010: (I still have no idea if it's real or not.)

[7:17 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: (Me neither)

[7:17 PM] RawkHawk2010: Meanwhile this looks real.

[7:17 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: (I think the games with trailers are real)

[7:17 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: "The Messenger Picnic Panic" free expansion coming July 11, for Nintendo Switch, PS4, and PC.

[7:17 PM] RawkHawk2010: train

[7:17 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: ...is this real?

[7:17 PM] RawkHawk2010: train-based shooter

[7:17 PM] Ryu: yes

[7:18 PM] Ryu: it's the banana game

[7:18 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: Pedro?

[7:18 PM] RawkHawk2010: Really?

[7:18 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: ..yeah.

Devolver Digital Direct E3 2019 Pedro banana playing train shooter on couch
Pedro is so close to being the NSider smiley indifferent face.

[7:18 PM] RawkHawk2010: I thought this already released.

[7:19 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: Nope, next week.

[7:19 PM] RawkHawk2010: Is it over?

[7:19 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: ...I think it's over.

[7:19 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: Wait.

[7:19 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: No.

[7:19 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: There's more.

[7:19 PM] RawkHawk2010: :pikachu_lips:

[7:20 PM] RawkHawk2010: I wonder if this girl is a smoker in real life.

[7:20 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: They're discussing that with Directs, you can do announcements any time they want.

[7:21 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: Instead of waiting for a yearly conference.

[7:21 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: (Are these real names in the credits?)

[7:21 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: "To be continued..."

[7:21 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: I'm not really sure what they're continuing.

[7:22 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: (Some of these credit names are clearly fake)

[7:23 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: ....Okay now it's done.

[7:23 PM] RawkHawk2010: Well

[7:23 PM] RawkHawk2010: That wasn't good, lol.

[7:23 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: Better than Bethesda's.

[7:23 PM] Ryu: It was a movie

[7:23 PM] RawkHawk2010: I'm sure the people orchestrating such a thing had fun, but it achieved no purpose.

[7:24 PM] RawkHawk2010: I don't remember anything from beside the Pedro commercial and that ninja sprite game.

[7:24 PM] RawkHawk2010: Anything else I wasn't sure was real.

[7:24 PM] RawkHawk2010: Also what the fuck is happening on-stream now?

[7:24 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: I closed it.

[7:25 PM] RawkHawk2010: What's currently happening on-stream is even weirder than what we just finished watching.

[7:25 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: ...Well that's a Twitch thing.

[7:25 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: Alright, guess that's it for tonight.

[7:25 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: I wanna sleep.

[7:25 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: Gotta find Phoenix Wright.



Join KoopaTV sometime later in this week for more E3 activity, or at the very least, the results of the staff's investigation into Phoenix Wright's Los Angeles livelihood. If you're a Bethesda fan and you want to disassociate yourself from the freaks in their audience and testimonial videos, go ahead and do so in the comments section.


Compare to Bethesda and Devolver Digital's E3 2018 reaction log here.
Microsoft's conference preceded this, and while it had a live audience, they weren't obnoxious.
Square Enix also has an annoying audience, but they were annoying for a good reason!

4 comments :

  1. I'm interested in that GhostWire game.

    Devolver Digital's shows are worth watching just for the entertainment. (In their first press conference, they didn't announce anything at all.) And yes, both Devolver Bootleg and the arcade cabinet are real.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I won't believe the arcade cabinet is real until I see the arcade cabinet.


      Are people interested in that GhostWire game because that Japanese woman presenter is their new waifu, or is it because they actually care about the game?

      Delete
    2. You can pre-order it: https://www.griffinaerotech.com/house-of-the-gundead/

      While I found her very likable and entertaining, I'm genuinely interested in the game itself. Creepy supernatural stuff, sounds like it has potential.

      Delete
    3. Hm... I don't think $5000 is worth it...


      Yeah, sounds like your kinda thing.

      Delete

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