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Sunday, May 12, 2019

KoopaTV's Crabby Six-Year Anniversary

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - “Crabby KoopaTV” is redundant, which will be explained in detail in this article.

Welcome to KoopaTV! Despite the doubters and haters, today (May 12) we have turned six years old! In fact, we opened on Sunday, May 12, 2013. Now it's Sunday, May 12, 2019.

I'll be up-front about this article rather than keeping it at the end in the footer: Every year, we celebrate our anniversary in a fun, unique way. We're bad at coming up with ideas well in advance for this, partly stemming from my natural hatred of anniversaries.

RawkHawk2010 wanted me to write about crabs for the sole purpose of plugging his viral Hungrybox crab video made from Super Smash Bros. Ultimate. It's one of the most popular videos of all time in the Shared Content section online, with OVER NINE THOUSAND Yeahs! More about it at the end of the article. Obviously, that wouldn't make sense as an anniversary article all by itself, so I'm going to do what I always do on KoopaTV: go into incredible detail about the topic (crabs and Koopas) and convince you that this was well-planned from the very beginning!

A Brief History of Crabs and Koopas


Gamers may have seen a crab species known as Sidesteppers, along with Koopas, in the ol’ days of Mario Bros. in the arcade (or an inferior version on the NES). As far as I can tell, Koopas and Sidesteppers were only together in Phase 5. Otherwise, it was either/or, and there were a lot more phases after that. It wasn't a collaborative relationship overall.

However, Koopas and other kinds of crabs have worked together way earlier than that. Take the Clawdaddy family. Many years ago, Kamek (wonderful Koopa wizard and KoopaTV staffer) had a working relationship with them. They're natural enemies of the Yoshis, making them a natural and very tough Koopa companion.

Yoshi's New Island King Clawdaddy Kamek Baby Mario before boss fight
Kamek, King Clawdaddy, and an obnoxious Yoshi with Baby Mario.
(Thank you to Kamek for digging this picture out of his old photo archives!)

In fact, they were so great that they traumatised a young Baby Mario, causing his adult self to later have nightmares of a powerful crab boss, Clawgrip.

Besides that, there isn't much else. There's that one time we used Hermie III's hermit crab shell as a Christmas prop. I wrote about Crabrawler once.

To summarise, Koopas and crabs were mutual partners working side-by-side many years ago, then we dropped off and sort of co-existed in the sewers but without teamwork, and then Mario had a nightmare that didn't impact Koopas in any way. That's... very light history.

Well, time to make some new history.

Crab Personality and Behaviour, and KoopaTV


Scientists just made discoveries that individual crabs even have a personality just a decade ago. Since then, the literature has looked at trait continuums of boldness–shyness and exploration–avoidance.

This article will be a bit less scientific than that and more cultural in assessing crab personality, but I'll cover some crab biology research I've learned when preparing for this article.

The basic point of this section is to explain why crabs and KoopaTV fit so well, in order to justify this article's existence. After all, there's many other ways that we could celebrate KoopaTV's sixth anniversary. But crabs are the best!


Krabby plush Ludwig Von Koopa plushie Plushwig KoopaTV
Hey, we are the best of friends!
Everything is better with a crab on your head!
Loving this Koopa-crab relationship!
Pity we didn't think of this years ago!


Crab Boldness and KoopaTV's Boldness


You might think that KoopaTV would just stick to our shells and be shy on the back lines, but that's a stereotype I actively want to defeat. We're bold. We discuss topics that other gaming sites avoid. We know we don't want to appeal to the lowest common denominator.

Crabs don't tend to be content creators, but the more successful among them will be bold, which the scientists define as the willingness to take risks. Could an action be painful for the crab if they take it? Sure, but the rewards could be marvelous.

KoopaTV itself is a rather risky thing. For no monetary reward whatsoever, we're at the frontlines promoting unpopular and sometimes unsavoury viewpoints that we feel need to be heard, all during a culture that promotes shutting down speech, and doxxing/attacking people that provide it.

That's bold. 

Crab Exploration and KoopaTV's Exploration


The scientists are actually in disagreement on whether or not exploration and boldness are different traits or if they are actually measuring the same thing. If boldness–shyness is a measure of risk, then what is exploration–avoidance? I don't really know, but let's say that it's willingness to go out and seek the full potential of a new environment.

KoopaTV, unlike cookie-cutter sites, is absolutely on the pincer-edge of exploring the blog article format as a medium. Between the personality, the solid continuity that adapts to on-going events, the writing style, there's a lot here that we've built out that isn't replicated anywhere else.

Successful crabs will do the same type of thing in their own exploration. Especially hermit crabs. They put all sorts of stuff on themselves from their environment.

Crab Victory and KoopaTV's Victories


Crabs are very celebratory creatures that gloat over the demise of their foes. KoopaTV is the same way, most recently over the Nintendo Labo's poor sales figures. We actually have a very long list of enemies that we've accumulated over these six years, and we generally have a good track record of winning.

Kanto Pokémon League anime Krabby defeated Exeggutor victory pose
Here's Krabby standing on top of his defeated adversary, Exeggutor.
(He's about to evolve right on them!)

Crab Habitats and KoopaTV's Habitats


I'll quote fact 19 in this article, 47 Amazing Crab Facts, which cites this 2008 children's (?) book, “Crawling Crabs (No Backbone! The World of Invertebrates)”.
Crabs live in more different places than any other sea animal. They are found almost everywhere in the ocean, including smoking volcanic vents thousands of feet below the surface. They also live under the ice in Antarctica. One type of crab even lives on land and climbs trees.”
As I copy-paste that, I'm coincidentally in a Super Smash Bros. Ultimate Battle Arena with the DK Rap as the theme at Tiny Kong's verse. “[S]he can float through the air and climb up trees!” Just like at least one crab can.

Crabs live everywhere, and so does KoopaTV. Just check out the wide array of places you can find KoopaTV being promoted. Some of these are also very EXTREME environments. But we're living.

Crab Irritability and KoopaTV's Irritability


This is what the term “crabby” refers to. Crabs are portrayed as irritable and grouchy fellas that will lash out and complain a lot. I think it's fair to characterise KoopaTV similarly. We're known for ranting and complaining about things. I like to think that it's for a good, constructive cause, but there's no way in getting around that it's true. You go to a random KoopaTV article and chances are I'm upset over something and letting you know it.

I embrace it.

Crab Sideways Movement and KoopaTV's Sideways Movement


Crabs are famous for moving along in a sideways fashion, instead of backwards and forward. That's how Sidesteppers got their name.

KoopaTV is also famous for doing that, in the form of tangents in our articles. An article might be about one topic in the headline, and certainly we'll write about that, but some article focus may be diverted to another, tangential topic. My impression is that this was more common in the first half of the six years of KoopaTV's existence, but it's certainly still something that occurs. The most recent and notable example that comes to mind was my article about dealing with UPS and getting my headset back under warranty, and then me going into a mid-article tangent about how much the Nintendo Labo is a threat. (They're related because UPS packages things in cardboard, and the Labo is a cardboard-based product.)


Going on tangents is generally considered to be bad writing. In my head, I think it's a site feature and everyone likes it. Regardless, we're going off on side conversations and we don't move directly to the point, much like how crabs traverse.

Both KoopaTV and Crabs Hate FAKE NEWS!


Scientists haven't gone out and actually conducted research on crabs’ opinions on FAKE NEWS, but I just want to dispel with some FAKE NEWS created by Sony in their infamous E3 2006 conference. They were showing gameplay of Genji: Days of the Blade, with executive producer Bill Ritch describing how the game is based on famous battles that actually took place in ancient Japan. Then a giant enemy crab appeared in the demo, and Bill Ritch stated that you can “attack its weak point for massive damage.” He demonstrated this by having the character Benkei flip the crab over on its back, and then impaling its stomach to knock it out in one hit. You can watch the moment here, while laughing at how Bill Ritch is a terrible public speaker:


The historical inaccuracy isn't the FAKE NEWS that I want to address. That's self-evident. It's attacking its weak point for massive damage that I take issue with.


Genji: Days of the Blade Giant Enemy Crab attack on the camp skull face
The giant enemy crab in the final version of Genji: Days of the Blade.

When writing this article, I've watched several YouTubers play the giant enemy crab fight in Genji: Days of the Blade. Here's one by Xaldin007. Here's a second by Camicase Gaming. Here's a third by WyvernOne Gaming. Here's a fourth by TheFirebolt22. Here's a fifth by Zodd the Destroyer (he gets a game over at the end (and he got another game over to the same boss fight in the preceding video), though his next video concludes the fight). And a sixth by DeadShadows17. And a seventh by AginoEvolutionHD. Finally, the eighth video I watched was by DevilHunterXYZ, who has commentary mentioning the Sony conference.


In all of these, the players (struggling with the terrible camera controls) broke the crab's skull-face mask, and then attacked the crab's glowing weak point that was hidden behind the mask. No one flipped the crab over and attacked the weak point for massive damage on the crab's stomach, even while using Benkei and charging up his attack. In fact, to the extent that YouTubers provided commentary or description, they said that there is no other way to fight the boss. Here's how Xaldin007 put it:
This guy doesn't so much have a weak point you can attack for massive damage as just have one point in which is the only spot you CAN deal damage. Basically you have to wail on the head until it breaks, then attack the pink crystal in the stub of a neck he has left.”
I think it's fair to say that the E3 2016 demo was FAKE NEWS for multiple reasons, and that directly impacts crabs’ everywhere. The meme is called “giant enemy crab” after all.

For some reason the giant enemy crab makes human screams, and it also charges forward instead of moving side-to-side. Hey, here's another similarity to KoopaTV: we both attack humans.

Hungrybox Crab


This is what we've been waiting for in this whole article.

In the Super Smash Bros. Melee portion of the Pound 2019 tournament taking place in Maryland (the latest in the long-running Pound tournament series), the grand finals were of Jigglypuff player,  Reggie-slayer, and my favourite Smash bro. Hungrybox vs. fan favourite Fox/Falco player Mang0. Hungrybox won, and someone from the audience threw a raw crab at him on stage (warning: that video has language as raw as the crab). Obviously, that's assault, and it also ruined the moment and ended up defining the whole tournament. Not good at all.

Rawk decided to take advantage of the new video editor in version 3.0 of Super Smash Bros. Ultimate to reimagine the moment. This has been received with critical acclaim within the Super Smash Bros. community, with even Hungrybox laughing with it on his stream and saying it belongs in a museum. (Note: In real life, Hungrybox dodged the crab.)



Hungrybox crab video Shared Content Super Smash Bros. Ultimate popular
When you sort Videos by Popularity, Rawk's Hungrybox Crab is in seventh place!
Let's all go Yeah! it to get it to sixth place in honour of KoopaTV's sixth anniversary!
(If this was a year later, I guess we'd be okay with it being in seventh?)

That about sums everything up for KoopaTV's Crabby Six-Year Anniversary. Thank you for stopping by!


This article has many old-school memes from over a decade ago, with the OVER NINE-THOUSAND and the giant enemy crab. While you're dealing with that fact, please help celebrate KoopaTV's sixth anniversary in the comments section and within your social networks! That'd be greatly appreciated. There won't be an article published on Monday, but Tuesday will have a special and important article.


If you want an anniversary article based on food (crabs aren't food), check out the five-year anniversary about bananas!

16 comments :

  1. Some people viewing this right after publishing may have noticed that I do the same thing I do in every anniversary article (including last year), which is write "March 12" instead of "May 12."
    This has been fixed.

    Wouldn't be a KoopaTV anniversary if I didn't get those confused!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. But "May"be you should try not to next year anyway--imagine how surprised everyone will be that you actually got it right! :P

      Delete
    2. My husband's birthday is in May and yet I confuse March and May all the time for his birthday as well.

      Delete
    3. It's all inadvertent!

      (I want crab talk from you all!)

      Delete
    4. Well I keep kosher so I do not eat crab.

      What do you think of Captain Cuttlefish' liking to eat crabby cakes? And Callie eating all the crabby cakes and not letting Marie have any leftover and attempting fake news to not face the consequences by blaming DJ Octavio, which may affect Octo and Squid relationships? https://www.reddit.com/r/splatoon/comments/8fp0on/crabby_cakes_noms/

      Should Bisk be worried that someone out there is eating crabby cakes?

      Delete
    5. Right, not eating crab is a good fact to get out of the way at the start of any crab conversation. Friend, not food!

      Is there evidence that crabby cakes are made from crab?

      Delete
    6. https://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/crabby-cakes-recipe-2011657

      Well this recipe says to use crabmeat.

      If I want to make a kosher alternative I would be using imitation crab sticks according to this:

      https://www.joyofkosher.com/recipes/kosher-crab-cakes/

      Kosher imitation crab sticks are made of either pollock and/or whiting as seen from the ingredient list for this product:

      https://www.sushimaven.com/dyna-sea-imitation-crab-sticks-12161s-p-87.html

      Finally there are recipes for vegan crab cake:

      https://www.connoisseurusveg.com/vegan-crab-cakes-sriracha-aioli/

      A 2 out of 3 chance that the crabby cakes are not made from actual crab. Hopefully Captain Cuttlefish, Callie and Marie are respectful to their crab neighbors and are not actually eating crabby cakes made of crabs.

      Delete
    7. What if crabby was describing not what the cake is made of, but as an adjective personifying the cake?

      Much like what this article did with the word.

      Delete
    8. So like Burger King's Real Meals campaign? https://www.scarymommy.com/burger-king-real-meals/

      Marie was feeling particularly irritable that moment and wanted to eat a crabby cake to outwardly express her crabbiness but Callie was secretly crabby herself so Callie got to the crabby cakes first and ate the entire stock and then had to resort to the fake news reflex she gotten back when she was an Inkopolis news reporter to avoid Marie's wrath?

      Delete
    9. Yes. Whether you're crabby for eating the cake, or the cake itself is crabby that it was ever baked.
      "No one is happy all the time."
      (I dunno what "yaaas" means though.)

      But, yes, that theory makes sense. Besides, Callie has a good reason to be crabby. Marie trashed her cool shades.

      Delete
    10. A while back my daughter's babysitter described my daughter's behavior as being crabby. Should I be a proud parent? I remember laughing at the description.

      Delete
    11. Yes!

      Well, I dunno if you should be, but I'm proud, because I'm gonna take credit for your daughter's crabbiness.
      KoopaTV rubbed off on you which was genetically endowed upon her.

      Or something.

      Delete
  2. Speaking of things being over 9000, it's worth noting that Vegeta's BOLDNESS-to-a-fault comes to be symbolized by a crab later on. A crab that presumably actually gets brought back to life in a saga where several far more prominent murdered characters were left forgotten about due to irresponsible wish wording.

    (Yay crabs!)

    ReplyDelete

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