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Tuesday, May 12, 2020

KoopaTV's Seven-Year Anniversary: Seven Star Stamps for SUPERSTAR!

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - KoopaTV is everything. And more.

Today, May 12, is known as the day that KoopaTV was founded. That happened in 2013, so this is our seven-year anniversary. That's a lot longer than my expectations for how long this was gonna be going, so I originally had plotted an awesome cruise ride for everyone (staff members and KoopaTV Loyalty Rewards Program past winners), paid for by Koopa Kingdom. Then we got in trouble with President Donald John Trump's administration, since we would have to go to Earth and pick you Americans up. We ultimately had to cancel the KoopaTV Loyalty Cruise Program because it was too dangerous (not because of any pandemic, but because of Earth-government response) to proceed with it.

However, we always have other plans and things going on. Multi-narrative activity. Parallel processing. Walking and chewing gum at the same time. Whatever you want to call it. You see, KoopaTV has spent these past seven years doing many things, and among them, we have collected the Millennium Star's seven Star Stamps... making us the SUPERSTAR OF THE UNIVERSE! Sure, one stamp a year might be slow, but that pacing would make for a good anime. Or a cartoon. Here's the opening: Stamp Card Mario Party 3 Wit Kindness Strength Love Courage Beauty Mischief
KoopaTV's Stamp Card:
Wit, Kindness, Strength, Love, Courage, Beauty, Mischief.

For the rest of this article, I'm gonna talk about what we've done over the past seven years to acquire each of the seven Star Stamps.

KoopaTV and the Wit Stamp

Wit is described as something that requires cunning, as well as being sharp. It's having a sense of intelligent humour.

KoopaTV is best characterised as a witty website, so this being the first stamp in the Stamp Card is quite fitting. (Not that we had to get them in order.) Truth and levity are KoopaTV's core values, and that plays very well to wit. I can't really provide examples here, since you can go to desktop-KoopaTV and use the random article feature and find examples that way. We're packed with sass, satire, puns, parody, punchlines, and more. It's self-demonstrating. I don't know if you think starting this article with a cop-out is good content, but I consider this stamp to be a gimme. It's just our basic style.

KoopaTV and the Kindness Stamp

Kindness is described as being gentle, generous, and benevolent. Quite frankly, the testimony from self-proclaimed kind beings, like Yoshi's “I am the kindest one ever, so the Kindness Star Stamp belongs to me!” don't really fit with the definition. (And then proving that by siccing Boo on people?)

KoopaTV, with the exception of this article, doesn't go around bragging about how nice and kind we are. Sometimes, it's the total opposite and we're outright on Team Naughty.

Still, here's some evidence of our kindness: In 2019, KoopaTV created our Corporate Social Responsibility (CSR) Report, which details legitimately kind and considerate things we've been doing. While there is an ulterior motive of linking to the CSR report from our hiring page as a reason you should want to join us, that doesn't impact the actual deeds described inside. That said, I'm not so kind that I'm going to give away free eShop codes to beggars in the comments section, but there is a systematic, skill-based (and fun) process for you to get those. It's linked-to from every page on KoopaTV. Other sites don't do that, and bring you through the horrors of mean random-based giveaways (with no transparency by nature) where you have no control over your destiny.

Yeah, we're plenty more kind than that. We take requests, too! That's kind because it's not only free for you to make us do research on a topic FOR you, but we also reward you for it via the aforementioned skill-based process to get money out of KoopaTV. Other sites don't do that.

KoopaTV and the Strength Stamp

It's really vague how the Millennium Star defines strength, but it appears to be physical prowess and power? I'm not sure how a website is supposed to prove we have physical power, but...

...I mean, I did go through and document every main world through the Adventure Mode of Ring Fit Adventure, and that involves overpowering some pretty physically impressive characters, like a fully powered Dragaux by the end. (That's obviously a spoiler-ific link, while the first hyperlink here links will link you to the first world's Fitness Log.)

I also think that we punch well above our weight, considering our meagre staff and the size of our budget (which doesn't exist). We will have published over 1,900 articles by the time May 2020 is over, and we've defeated fearsome opponents like the Labo. We're a publishing powerhouse and disproportionately strong in ways the layman doesn't expect. I'm proud of that!

KoopaTV and the Love Stamp

What is love? Apparently it's possessing great affection towards a great variety of things.

KoopaTV expresses love very often, such as reverently praising the Ace Attorney series at any possible opportunity. In doing so, we're not only expressing love, but we are spreading it. We've found that people who take our recommendations and experience the Ace Attorney franchise for themselves then become Ace Attorney lovers. It's spreading love. That's a very positive thing.

I mean, sure, I've argued that money is more important than love. But I think even with that, we can lay claim to being superstars of love. For example, in the past year, I wished GameStop, a company I don't really have a fond opinion of, the best of luck on their gaming cultural hubs effort for the possibility that it can create more love in the world.

(I don't think it worked out, though.) 

KoopaTV and the Courage Stamp

Courage is quite easy to prove. It's a trait that's far from something exclusive to genocidal scumbags like Mario. We're fearless, brave, and totally confident. I mean, just to begin this article, we were writing about going on a cruise ride while the Earth cruise companies are all hiding, only stopped because YOU guys aren't as brave as we are. (And it's not a particularly good use of our limited resources to go to war with the United States Navy.)

But look at some of the enemies we've made. Mario, Cappy, the whole Chinese Communist Party, ISIS (which we've had the courage to openly defy), and even things like dropping an email to Electronic Arts's executive and getting a reply. Really, this is the flip side of the Strength Stamp. We're strong, and courageous enough to apply that strength. We tackle a lot of unconventional topics and say things other gaming sites will not—even if they should.

By the way, I wrote this whole thing about how Knights > Wizards, and a lot of it had to do with countering the stereotype that Koopas are back-line shell-hiding cowards.

KoopaTV and the Beauty Stamp

Daisy insisted that beauty has to do with physical attractiveness and having a pleasing appearance, stating multiple times that she is the fairest of them all.

I guess this one is very subjective. I think I'm very good-looking when I don't get awful-looking, miscoloured sprites. Sure, the other staffers look okay (and Kamek has a sexy voice), but I'm the main attraction. 

I guess on that basis, I was basically born with this stamp already. No work required on my part. It's natural.

Though one may wish to evaluate the beauty of KoopaTV as a web page instead of the beauty of its staffers. I've shown KoopaTV to many, many people over the years, and sometimes I get the complaint that the website looks very “old” and “outdated.” That's the point, though, established pretty clearly as of our first anniversary. The logo is derived from Paper Mario, which should be considered “retro” by now and appeal to those kinds of sensibilities.

It's not a super sleek memory-draining unkind website. That's beautiful in a much more wholesome way! 

KoopaTV and the Mischief Stamp

Mischief? This is the last stamp, and it is incredibly easy to justify. Witch Princess literally goes around and introduces herself as being mischievous as her primary character trait. I literally wrote an article last year telling people to swarm to a meaningless Play Nintendo poll and vote for me as the biggest troublemaking Koopaling—and I still check that poll to this day. (And I'm very upset that Lemmy keeps extending his lead.)

KoopaTV often starts or extends problems and we have no “side” that we're loyal to. Not towing the party line is definitely the source of some mischief and grief for those expecting us to be predictable.

And with all of that... 

KoopaTV is the Superstar!

Mario Party 3 KoopaTV is the Superstar 2020
How are we gonna top this next year?

I suppose I should note that it's unclear what being the “Superstar of the universe” actually entails. Is it a position of power? Prestige? Payment? Oh, well, minor details.

Many other outlets and people can try to be witty, kind, strong, loving, courageous, beautiful, and mischievous all at the same time...But they simply cannot, because they aren't capable of the claw-crafted nuance and tightrope-walking that KoopaTV is uniquely proficient at. It's a contradiction for them, yet for KoopaTV, it all flows and makes sense! Let KoopaTV know in the comments section if you'd like to contest anything written here, or if you would like something to be elaborated on. ...Or if you would've rather gone on a cruise ship than read a puff piece.

KoopaTV has previously touched on the introduction to Mario Party 3 before...
For KoopaTV's six-year anniversary, we wrote about how we're like a crab.
The eight-year anniversary in 2021 doesn't have any theme... and also isn't a celebration.


  1. Very witty article indeed. i would've liked to go on a cruise, but then you'd have to make an additional stop and that'd be too many stops. I wouldn't say that daisy is fairest of all, but whatever i guess.

    1. Daisy spreads FAKE NEWS, and that's how people are allegedly excited at her being in Mario Strikers: Battle League.

    2. I mean she’s going to be in it very very soon, so I guess she’s just like one of those leakers. Except just this once, the leak came true.

      I’m happy they are giving more love, affection, and attention to the Shy Guys. Attention especially, I wouldn’t mind a Shy guy game. Don’t know what’it’d be about, but I would be all for it.

    3. Well if we're tying it to Mario Party 3, I'll note that Shy Guy's appearance there is quite minimal. Duel Mode has a bunch of partners, but Shy Guy isn't one of them. Snifit is, though. And Daisy's default partner in that? SNIFIT.


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