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Thursday, May 23, 2019

Troubled Turtle Tilts 'n' Tumbles into South Carolina Windshield

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - I had to give up my alliteration by the end of that headline, but I won't give up my World Turtle Day advocacy!

An innocent turtle was minding its own business on U.S. Highway 501 in the American state of South Carolina. It was near Lake Busbee, a shallow lake recently rescued from a pollutant coal plant. Decent place for a turtle to hang out.

That is, until a very dangerous and careless human truck driver collided into the poor turtle, sending the turtle flying into the car windshield operated by Mr. John Gardner, another human. The turtle instantly died. Typical evil cars.

But all the human-operated Associated Press had to offer were heartless puns like “shell shock.”

Rob's Auto Body blames the turtle for the car's bad condition. The nerve.

The Associated Press had just earlier reported that out of that same state, South Carolina, a FLORIDA MAN (read: human) smuggled rare, innocent turtles in “candy wrappers or socks” to Hong Kong. No word on the fate of the turtles. At least the turtles were in socks instead of sweaters, but there is something incredibly wrong with humans, journalists, and South Carolina. The well-being of the turtles is not the focus of any of these stories.

We at KoopaTV are strong advocates for turtles, especially today (May 23) being World Turtle Day. World Turtle Day is ran by the fine folks at American Tortoise Rescue, and they're all about protecting turtles and tortoises. (We love tortoises too.)

If you want to know what to properly do when you see a turtle on the road or highway (NOT running into it), see this page on the Turtle Rescue League. Essentially, you should stop your vehicle and help the turtle on its way. You should never turn a turtle in the opposite direction that it was going. And don't touch the turtle's tail. The Turtle Rescue League writes that turtle-on-road sightings are most common between April and October, which checks out for when this story happened.

We'll keep an eye out for more anti-turtle news. And, of course, we'll fight off the human-driven CARS and news stories throughout the year.

KoopaTV and Koopa Kingdom have a strange, perhaps unexplainable fondness for turtles. And characters named Turtle. You should support turtles, Koopas, Koopa Kingdom, and KoopaTV! You can do all of those at once by sharing this article from this website!

Disclaimer: some tortoises actually like coal.
Next year, Ludwig tells of a turtle that got a 3D-printed shell after losing it in a fire.


  1. Though I do agree that it's sad the turtle died, when I first started reading it I was actually relieved because I thought maybe YOU had actually gotten into a car accident.

    Also, I was crestfallen when I read "FLORIDA MAN" in this article, just as I am whenever I read those two words from any news source, because, well, I am one and I don't want to be associated with such people. Like, no one ever seems to get attention for the GOOD kind of crazy, even.

    1. HOLD IT!
      I'm NOT a turtle. I'm a KOOPA. But I'll hold off on my outrage of you mixing turtles and Koopas up because I'm touched you care that I'm safe. :) (In a "good thing you're safe" way, not an "Oh damn, he's still alive! Ugh!" way.)

      I will say that several years ago when KoopaTV obsessed over the crazy life of George Zimmerman (a FLORIDA MAN), he was treated positively! ...At first. Then that declined tremendously until it was negative attention.
      Such is in the inevitable fate of FLORIDA MAN?
      (Marco Rubio and JEB! Bush were both treated like trash from the start.)


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