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Tuesday, June 2, 2015

The Curious Case of Brutlyn Jenner

By RAWKHAWK2010 - Bravery shmavery.

personally have no qualms with "strange" transformations. I was okay with my Pokémon not evolving into the correct ones, I was okay with Scott Moffitt changing his name and undergoing minor surgery to make it look like Nintendo was hiring new talent in the form of "Doug Bowser",  and I was okay with Tiny Kong becoming something I never ever thought she'd become. And if they can all do it, then why not former track-and-field star Brutlyn Jenner who at least has the money to make it happen?

I'm okay with this.

Because see y'all, this is America. And it might not have the greatest flag or the greatest national anthem (see "I Wish I Was in Stoutland" for a more refined vision for this country), but it's still the Land of the Free and the Home of the Brave, allowing its people to enjoy many freedoms not found anywhere else. (And as dudes currently stationed in the hellhole that is Sierra Leone, we would know.)

Brutlyn Jenner enjoys these same freedoms just like any other American. But as free as Brutlyn is to identify as a woman (and thus undergo whatever needs to be underwent in order to cement the illusion), people have apparently embraced the idea that Brutlyn Jenner and the word "bravery" are now forever joined at the surgically-augmented hip; that this is the bravest person on the planet who just did the bravest thing that a person could ever do. Forget the TV Troopas who once risked their lives for your safety and freedom, forget George Zimmerman who continues to keep America tirelessly entertained while while nearly being assassinated for it, and let's instead literally worship Brutlyn Jenner as some kind of modern-day savior for...why exactly?

Vivian Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door going to help you get back your name and your body
Pretend the above is Japanese Vivian, and pretend that Japanese Vivian is indeed
trans even if Japanese-reading folk can't, uh...actually arrive at a consensus. 

Vivian, if transgender, is someone who can and should actually qualify as a role model. Because before she vows to help bodyless Mario with his far graver identification issues, Vivian's two terrible sibling crones -- one hostile and one retarded -- are the only company she's ever had. No one to relate to, no one to seek advice from...and yet Vivian still had enough confidence at one point or another to permanently Shadow Veil her own penis and begin identifying as a woman.

Compare this with Brutlyn Jenner. A universal roaring applause wasn't some random luck-of-the-draw reception that suddenly showed up to Brutlyn's nonplussment, but was clearly anticipated by her, her friends, her friends' friends, the point-and-shriek gay alphabet mafia who is currently destroying Drake Bell of Drake and Josh fame over this very issue, and of course the dudes making the television deals. Not that all of this made the decision easy, obviously, but unless the word bravery now means "willingness to endure immense fame and profit", I don't see how Brutlyn wins some unprecedentedly-golden gold medal here. And I don't see how forever associating the trans movement with D-list celebrity Kardashianism is going to do it any long-term favors.

So yeah, I'd say the movement needs to find someone more like Vivian, but...just hopefully with a smaller history of Koopa-killing. Especially Koopas (or Troopas!) who might be in the same life stage as Brutlyn herself.

Bruce Jenner turtle Vanity Fair Call me Caitlyn parody satire

And that reminds me: while we do engage in much harping on former KoopaTV staffer Noxial for being a slimy traitor to KoopaTV and her nation, I honestly see more raw bravery in her actions than I do Brutlyn's at the end of the day. Don't get me wrong, nothing was brave about forcing the TV Troopas to participate in her little reindeer games, but Noxial's decision to join ISIS was still a rite of passage where she had very little support going in, and will have zero support going out when ISIS does with her what they so callously did with Devin. (Normally we'd just call that "stupid" and not brave, but she passed the rigorous litmus test to actually become a KoopaTV staffer so our hands are tied.) And I'd also say the same about Rare Ltd., who knew for a fact they were driving the last nail into their half-decade coffin throughout Banjo Kazooie: Nuts & Bolts' development, motivated only by the support of myself and six others. (...And that too might've just been stupid, but I'll never admit it.)

With all that said, Brutlyn should feel free to do what she wants, and critics like Drake Bell should feel free to give something other than endless praise lest they be christened as literally Hitler. Then we can all be one happy family, with enough figurative incest to make even the 2009 Folgers Christmas commercial taste flat.

If you liked the above ad, you'll love Rawk's three-part series of spiritual thrillers! Follow @RawkHawk2010 on Twitter and you'll know the second they hit!

For a non-Vivian magician inspiring transsexual action, click here.

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