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Thursday, April 8, 2021

KoopaTV's March 2021 Review Newsletter

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - LONG LIVE KOOPATV!

You may be wondering what this newsletter is doing here, as opposed to not existing. Let's... get right into that discussion. Just remember there is also the rest of the newsletter that follows this opening discussion, and you'll definitely want to read that content. Especially the worst comment of the month discussion.

KoopaTV Lives Past March 31, 2021!


You should already be familiar with my March 31, 2021 article about the many things that Nintendo sunset starting April 1. I then wrote that Nintendo put KoopaTV on that list because Koopas share the same 35-year anniversary that Mario does, so Mario and Koopas are linked in terms of (not) being able to remain past that date. (Nevermind that KoopaTV is totally disconnected from the anniversary celebration, since we've existed since 2013.)

After that article, I and the rest of the staff (though without a legal team... with team defined as one or more people actually versed in law) have been arguing with Nintendo people for almost a week that their logic is bad and KoopaTV should continue to exist. We were getting nowhere with them until Nintendo's in-game events had these two happenings: first, a Super Smash Bros. Ultimate Spirit Event themed after Bowser's Fury from Super Mario 3D World + Bowser's Fury, featuring the Fury Bowser Spirit; and second, Mario Kart Tour has the new Ninja Tour. The Ninja Tour specifically calls out Koopa Troopa as a gift.

How can Nintendo maintain that Koopas are cancelled because the anniversary is over when these Koopas—Fury Bowser and Koopa Troopa—are being featured post-anniversary? They can't. And they knew they can't maintain that.

As a result, KoopaTV is coming back! Unfortunately, that means Mario is as well. But we'll continue to oppose him and eventually reach a world where we're around and he isn't.

Now, let's look at KoopaTV's March 2021 content, which also includes that kind of anti-Mario opposition content I'm promising more of.


Top Five Recommended Experiences of March 2021


Here are KoopaTV's top five recommended published experiences from March 2021. Everything is worth reading, of course... These are published in chronological order.
  1. NEVER AGAIN... Again. Goomba Genocide in Super Mario Bros. 35 "2nd World Count Challenge" — While Super Mario Bros. 35 still existed, Nintendo brigaded the death of hundreds of millions of Goombas... and they considered that not enough.
  2. The “Reimagined” Pokémon Brilliant Diamond/Shining Pearl Imply Worse Game Design — Ludwig was disappointed at many people's responses to a “reimagined” Sinnoh remakes trailer made by a digital artist, and how they put graphics over gameplay because they weren't closely examining the latter.
  3. Daylight Saving Time 2021: Contact Your Congresspeople for the Sunshine Protection Act Reattempt! — You know what should be sunset and isn't KoopaTV? Constant clock switching in the United States. KoopaTV painstakenly put together contact information for relevant members of Congress to abolish that idiotic practice. Contact them right now!
  4. Lying Twitter Trends Brigades Attack on Republican Congresswoman for Nonexistent Hypocrisy — The story of how a social media company, news outlets, and unapologetic partisan politicians got a bunch of individuals to viciously attack a Congresswoman over a false premise. A cautionary tale not to believe what you read on social media.
  5. The Yuji Naka BALAN WONDERWORLD Astroturf Cult — What kind of person do you have to be to actually be a fan of BALAN WONDERWORLD? Ludwig investigated its fanbase, and they have quite a bit in common...

I had a really hard time deciding just five articles here! Hopefully in the past week of KoopaTV nonexistence, you made sure to catch up on all of the above articles...and more!

Best Three Comments and One Worst Comment of March 2021


I have a lot to say about some of the comments from March 2021. Mostly the worst comment. But let's talk about the good ones first...
  1. “I would have loved to see remakes with a style like the newer games, but you do raise a good point about the game design. The camera positioning seems to be one of the reasons why we've gotten fewer dungeon areas.

    (And in any case, complaining that Game Freak should be ashamed is just silly and implies that the chibi graphics are inherently worse.)” — Samantha Lienhard
  2. “We at Nintendo support fake news, as it means that we can perpetuate the myth that F-Zero and Metroid still exist. Keep the dogs waiting and the cats dancing.” — Health
  3. “You don’t have to kill Yoshi. Other than that, great article.” — C.Mechayoshi
Following Samantha's comment, I gave a long list of actual examples of those kinds of complaints which I won't repeat here. But she summarised my list with, “Yikes.” Pretty fitting. Anyway, I've always put gameplay considerations over graphical ones, and unfortunately, lots of people don't do that. Probably because they don't have systems thinking.

As for Health's comment, after the stunt Nintendo pulled with the anniversary and deeming KoopaTV to be part of it, I have no choice but to recognise his comment here because it's spot on. Nintendo definitely supports FAKE NEWS.

As for the bit about Yoshi, I think it's a great comment, because it shows the depravity of Mario. Yoshi didn't have to die to get the secret exit. ...But Mario chooses the easy way out, even at the cost of a life. That's just the kind of person he is.

Here is the worst comment of March 2021, and I'm really happy that it was made because it's important to talk about it.
  1. “why did you accept this job? this website sucks.” — sam
This is a terrible comment, but I guess I should give the backstory on it.

Ashley Halsey, which I assume is a fake name because Halsey is an anagram of Ashley and real people shouldn't have name gimmicks, emailed KoopaTV asking if she could do a guest article for us about finding the right game genre. She gave a weird outline for it, and I replied with some suggestions, and then she came back with what we published. I gave several suggestions on how to improve the article (including that Twitch's streamer numbers have nothing to do with how gaming affects anyone's psychology; how bizarre you have to be to list almost every available gaming platform EXCEPT Nintendo's on a site called KoopaTV...and I guess she also left out the Stadia; how Poker and Solitaire aren't strategy games; and how the listed skills associated with each genre are arbitrary and don't make sense) but she said to publish it as it is.

You see, Ashley Halsey, and everyone else who writes for professional writing services (which she linked to some in the footer, but there are many, many others out there with the exact same site layout, that I assume all have the same common owner), don't care about quality. ...And apparently they don't care about their own reputations, which is why I published the article.

Since I published that article, I got TWO more of these professional essay writers—these two are also women with generic Western culture names (though not anagrams)—sending emails to KoopaTV, wanting their articles up too. That's how I'm pretty confident about making general statements about the quality of professional writing services. The first (named Elizabeth Hines) was even WORSE than what Ashley wrote. I personally evaluated Ashley's to be so bad it's funny, while this article was so bad it's bad, sort of like BALAN WONDERWORLD. I told the author that I couldn't accept it or it'd hurt KoopaTV's own reputation. Elizabeth rewrote it and it got a little better, with them adding things to it that makes it in “so bad it's funny” territory. But I told Elizabeth I'm not able to publish it, because when she asked a few days ago why the article wasn't published yet, I said Nintendo ended KoopaTV, and I couldn't publish it.

The second (or third total) professional essay writer—named Lauren Groff—asked me if she could do a topic, and since this was after March 31, I linked them to KoopaTV's article saying, “KoopaTV isn't taking guest submissions right now due to our website being sunset by Nintendo after March 31, 2021, in accordance with the end of the Super Mario Bros. 35-year anniversary celebration.

Please let your other professional essay-writing colleagues/competitors know, too.” I haven't gotten any reply from her after that. By the way, I did look up some of her other work. It's also terrible and of minimal value to the reader. That might have been the positive silver lining in having to go through this whole thing with Nintendo, actually. Getting the professional essay writers to go away.

By the way, if you actually went to request a blog post like Ashley Halsey's through the website she works for, they'd charge you $75, according to their cost estimator. Again, we didn't pay them (and sam implying we did makes his comment the worst of March 2021). They approached us, because they (and these other women that I assume work for the same network of websites, because they all have very similar footers and links and writing styles!) want their services promoted through referral traffic, so they think it's worth giving away “free” product to sites like KoopaTV to get people to know about their paid product. I'm assuming that, after reading Ashley Halsey's article, no one would ever pay her or people like her to write anything, because they're terrible. And I want everyone to know they're terrible.

KoopaTV Loyalty Rewards Program Round 37 Mid-Round Leaderboard


Here are the top three contestants (the only players with over 10 points) competing in the KoopaTV Loyalty Rewards Program Round 37 as of publishing. Remember, it ends at the end of April 30, so you got lots of time—well, only three weeks now—to shake this up... and the winner will get a $10 Nintendo eShop card code:
  1. Captain Stitch — 47 points
  2. Health — 22 points
  3. Samantha Lienhard — 18 points
While the footer of the March 31, 2021 article stated that you “shouldn't expect” comments made while KoopaTV was end-of-saled to be counted in the KoopaTV Loyalty Rewards Program... sometimes what you ought to expect doesn't happen. In this case, the comments were counted.

Corrections Corner; March 2021


KoopaTV's staff didn't make any mistakes pointed out within the comments section during March 2021. We're happy to meet our own high standards, which ought to also meet yours!


Since KoopaTV is back to normal now, the staff would appreciate if you could help spread the word. Bad news tends to spread farther than good news does, and it'd be a shame if everyone who learned KoopaTV was no longer having new articles didn't also learn that KoopaTV managed to reverse that fate. Ludwig would also like to thank everyone who reached out to him during this difficult time.


KoopaTV's February 2021 newsletter was pretty cool, too.
Just a few weeks later brings KoopaTV's April 2021 newsletter!
Last year's March 2020 newsletter covered a new staff hire, as well as the tale of KoopaTV's failed cruise ship for readers.

10 comments :

  1. Oh no. I was right. You aren't the real Ludwig von koopa, but must instead be a member of the chinese government. You didn't even include the Koopatv and China section that's always included. Does this count as a correction, or are you a communist?!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Reminder that the China section in February said, "we're banned from China and I can stop trying so hard and putting this in every newsletter section."

      SO I DID JUST THAT.

      Delete
    2. What if they just want you to think you are banned, as an effort to KoopaTv from exposing all of their lives? Also that part about the professional writers was interesting, what if they really were spies sent to scout out and take over the website. In any case they should at least stick around and interact in the comments section.

      Delete
    3. They'd be completely incompetent spies because they didn't bother to look at the front page of the site to see it died.

      KoopaTV's existing anti-CCP content is still up, so if we're not banned, then it's still accessible!

      Delete
  2. 75$? lol! very cheap. i charge much more, in fact I just wrote a 1250 word essay and banked a cool 350 so these bitches really got no clue wtf they doin on god they just writin some bullshit. no care, no love, no effort. I'm out here grinding for my work and as a result i be makin DOLLAAAAAAAAAAS.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You can get them to charge you $350 for a blog post that's NINE pages long due 12 hours from now.
      (By comparison, the March 2021 newsletter is apparently 5 pages long and around 1860 words, so you're overcharging or they're undercharging. But good for you for being able to make that kind of money off people.)

      Delete
    2. I'm looking forward to your next guest article on KoopaTV just so you can show up your lower-quality competition. ^_^

      Delete
  3. If you'd held out another 3 days or so you might have actually gotten me to get a little worried and comment something like "This IS an April Fools joke right? ...Right?" My willpower is stronk.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We came back just in time to be able to publish our Fitness Friday series with only one week of disruption!

      Delete

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