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Friday, March 24, 2023

Nessie versus Aliens versus Big Foot: Bad Splatfest Idea, But We Must Pick a Side!

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - Only one can be real. Even though multiple are.

A new Splatfest dawns upon Splatoon 3... Here is the question:

Splatoon 3 Splatfest Splatcast Nessie aliens Bigfoot which one is real
Which of Nessie, aliens, or Bigfoot is real?
Only ONE can be real.

Asking “Which of these is real?” is the first objectively bad Splatfest question in Splatoon 3—and remember, they haven't done three-way Splatfests before Splatoon 3. In Splatoon and Splatoon 2, it was only two-option questions. Consider that the Splatfests either ask which is the best choice of three options (rock vs. paper vs. scissors or gear vs. grub vs. fun to a deserted island) or what is your favourite personal preference (grass vs. fire vs. water, or spicy vs. sweet vs. sour flavours, or dark chocolate vs. milk chocolate vs. white chocolate). You can have debates over what the best choice is, or have an opinion about, if you had to choose one thing, what your favourite option is.

But when you say only one option can be real, what do you pick if none are real? Well, the one most likely to be real? But then what do you pick if MORE THAN ONE is real? ...Uh... Which one is... the most real...? But realness, like gender, only has two options: it's real or it isn't real. But still, by the end of this article, I need to make a choice of which Splatfest team to join, so I'm going to have to figure out something or just ignore the question prompt.

I often wait for the Splatfest Splatcast discussion before making a Splatfest team decision, because maybe the discussion will clarify the prompt or provide perspective. But in this case, everyone was absurd. Shiver claimed to see a thing sticking out of the sea, but didn't really commit to it being Nessie. Frye saw the Octobot King L3.Gs in The Crater and thought it was an alien. Big Man made a footstep in snow one time and the locals thought it was a Bigfoot monster, though Big Man never claimed to have witnessed Bigfoot himself. All three of the Deep Cut idols have some connection to their pick. Shiver is an Octoling of the water and rides a shark, Master Mega. Big Man is... big. And Frye has a massive forehead, like the depicted grey aliens depicted.

Let's get the easy one out of the way: Bigfoot, or Sasquatch as some refer to it, isn't real. I've never encountered one. Donkey Kong exists. Donkey Kong is a normal ape, though. Not Bigfoot.

Aliens exist. I wrote a whole investigation piece about how I infiltrated Dr. Mario's practice and found out that the Viruses are aliens from an Unidentified Flying Object, and Megavitamins aren't even for killing them off. Plus, Tatanga exists. And... YOU exist. Like, you, the person reading this, if you're from Earth. You're an alien to me. And I'm an alien to you.

Super Mario Land 2 Tatanga boss fight space sun moon
I've never personally met Tatanga myself. I don't plan to, either. He failed at beating Mario twice.

As for Nessie? We have several local creatures that are Nessie by another name. One is named Dorrie, and the other is named Plessie. Dorrie is the more famous one, even getting a beachfront expansion LEGO set. Dorrie even encountered Mario several times, which usually ended in the monster being abused by him. I gotta feel bad for Dorrie after that, since I know how that feels. You can just listen to yourself how painful Dorrie feels after that fatass Ground Pounds her mercilessly with the full weight of his carbohydrate-powered butt.

Super Mario Odyssey darker side of the moon Dorrie Cappy coin
Mario and Cappy are literally robbing and assaulting Dorrie, stealing its coin.
On that note, since this Dorrie is found on the moon, does that make it an alien?

I have quite a bit of personal experience with Lapras, which is also from a foreign planet to me, making it both a Nessie and an alien. Lapras is a fabulous water traveller (and of time), and a very impressive Pokémon. I levelled a Lapras up from level 20 to level 79 with just Pokémon SoulSilver Version's Pokéwalker accessory, and then I EV-trained it, which made it get ridiculous stat ups upon level up. I think she was a Choice Specs Lapras with Surf (or Hydro Pump?), Ice Beam, Thunderbolt, and Ice Shard. Lapras is also a fine companion to ride around on. Later on, in Galar, Lapras would have access to a Gigantamax form with the special move G-Max Resonance, which sets up an Aurora Veil, making it an absolutely excellent move to exploit.

Ludwig Von Koopa Lapras plush plushie Plushwig map of United States Florida Pokémon
I have some words I want to exchange with Florida governor Ron DeSantis...

What do I do since both aliens and Nessie are real? Well, between the two, I'm clearly more fond of Nessie. Nessie is, as Shiver noted, the cutest option, and I'm fine making that the tiebreaker.

Splatoon 3 Splatfest which is real Nessie Aliens Bigfoot voting booth team selection
I'm picking Team Nessie is Real!
I don't feel great about it, though, since Aliens are also real.

Ludwig doesn't want you to get distracted from the fact that this is a terrible Splatfest concept and he has no enthusiasm for playing it beyond the bare minimum. He has little personal investment in ensuring his side wins, and you won't see a passionate response if his side loses, like what happened in the last chocolate-themed Splatfest. He already committed to Team Nessie, so you can't change his mind, but he understands if he didn't change yours.

Team Nessie won, but the real story was Team Bigfoot's historically terrible popularity performance.
At least the next Splatfest is way better.

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