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Friday, February 17, 2023

The Widely Agreed Upon Travesty of White Chocolate Winning the Favorite Chocolate Splatfest

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - A lot of people have a lot of problems.

Last weekend, many, many (and with over ten million copies sold, likely hundreds of thousands or millions) of Inklings and Octolings across the Splatlands portrayed in Splatoon 3 participated in a Splatfest. This Splatfest had asked, “What's your favorite chocolate?” I wrote why I supported Team Milk Chocolate. I discussed milk chocolate being a great ingredient with a good flavour profile, while dark chocolate is too bitter. White chocolate was out of the question for me, since I deemed it to be an intellectually dishonest option. Unfortunately, the Splatfest ended in an “outcome [that] was ultimately unjustifiable and horrible[.]” Team White Chocolate won in a landslide.

Splatoon 3 Splatfest favorite chocolate results White sweep landslide conch shells votes open pro tricolor battles
If there was a category, Team White Chocolate won it.

This result caused a lot of outrage and no one I talked to expected it. I'll get into why or how this result was possible (and still undeserved) at the end of the article, but until we get to the end, I actually collected a lot of... feedback on the result. In fact, Team White Chocolate winning this Splatfest stirred up the passions of so many people that I got a lot of folks who haven't done anything related to KoopaTV before to create content for the site, based on their discontent for white chocolate. Here are their stories and thoughts, presented as I received them but edited for basic grammar and spelling:

Winter's White Chocolate Opinion

Hello, you see my personal opinion about white chocolate is that it isn't the greatest to start with, now that it won in Splatfest, is just insane! First off, how did they win every single category? I understand they got the most votes but I don't know about the other ones, this ended up leaving dark and milk with nothing. How is that possible? I don't know about you but (sorry fellow white chocolate fans) I think they cheated or hacked somehow.

Larry Koopa's Explanation of Why White Chocolate Shouldn't Have Been an Option

In order for chocolate to be considered chocolate, they need to have a certain amount of cocoa beans in it in order to give it that nice flavour and taste. White chocolate is not made of cocoa powder, but rather typically made of just milk, sugar, and cocoa butter. It lacks many of the compounds that are found in milk and dark chocolate. So technically it is not actual chocolate.

L. Almond on why White Chocolate is the Worst

The candy was made by Nestle back in the 1900s and named white chocolate. Most people are not aware that white chocolate is not chocolate. White chocolate is made with cocoa butter and sugar, sometimes people add vanilla too. White chocolate was named white chocolate because it is white, and it has the structure of chocolate. Actual chocolate is made of cocoa beans and sugar. White chocolate should not even be considered chocolate because it is not made like actual chocolate at all. White chocolate is just white candy.

There are some things white chocolate is better in like its healthiness. White chocolate is rich in calcium, so it helps the bones in your body. Although eating regular chocolate has benefits as well. Eating regular chocolate could help your heart health and improve athletic performance. It also has mental help as well. Regular chocolate can reduce stress.

I do not have anything against the people that enjoy white chocolate, but I am against the candy itself. White chocolate should have a completely different name. It is like calling candy corn a Christmas candy. It just does not fit. White chocolate’s name is as original as an orange. It’s lazy. It would be more original if they named it something like white bricks, because it looks and tastes like white bricks.

I hope all this information helps with why white chocolate is overrated and horrible. White chocolate should be either changed or removed. White chocolate is not chocolate at all, and it tastes like white bricks.

Moe Al-Wishah's Theory of Cheating

As you guys may know, there was a recent Splatfest that people may have heard. Dark Chocolate vs. Milk Chocolate vs. White Chocolate. OK, first before you read ahead, think to yourself, which chocolate do you like. Most people would pick Dark or Milk. I had picked Milk. People had made fun of White Chocolate and neglected that they were even a choice.

Until, Halftime... Now, this is based off my own experiences, however, when halftime happened, guess what. WHITE CHOCOLATE HAD WON!! I was so confused and I laughed the whole way through. Like, I didn’t go against more than 10 white chocolate teams, and if I went against them, I would see them cheating. + White Chocolate had lost some games even while cheating!!! Just watch Dude’s recent upload on it!

After Halftime, I played so much Tricolor and gained so much clout. Even my friends did all of that! We had also made a treaty called the, “Dark-Milk Alliance” where Dark and Milk Chocolate teams annihilated White Chocolate. You can say that this was a achievement, but we lost!!! And White Chocolate gained all the points!! Now, there are many reasons how this is not even good, one of which is is the fact that Dude, one of the most popular Splatoon YouTubers and Twitch, and other YouTubers arguing about this. And, they have the right to! These White Chocolate people literally cheated their way to victory because of the color, or because they liked an NPC (Big Man). I am not trying to offend anyone here, but it wasn’t fair to see someone cheating just because of some kind of color or an obsession on an NPC.

And, one last thing. Don’t tell me that White Chocolate fans love the taste of it. Because it isn’t even chocolate!!! And before you start yelling at me saying it has the name chocolate in it, listen to this. Chocolate has choco butter and beans in it. It has 90% of those. But, milk chocolate has 40% choco beans and no butter. It is 60% vanilla. So, if you like the taste of it, then you must like vanilla!

Ultimately I just want to rest my case and tell you that this Splatfest was rigged!

CherriValArtz on why Milk Chocolate should have won!

CherriValArtz Splatoon 3 Splatfest milk chocolate should have won not dark or white
Ludwig has reproduced this wonderful graphic as a text-based table below.

Milk Chocolate Dark Chocolate White Chocolate
Is real chocolate. Is real chocolate. Not even real chocolate.
Just perfect in every way. Bitter but tolerable. Just nasty to be honest.
Tasty on its own and also when mixed with things! Taste ok on its own, but better when mixed with nuts and pretzels! Not good on its own or even mixed with something.

Ludwig's White Chocolate Analysis, Taste-Testing, and Concluding Thoughts

There are several factors for what could've caused White Chocolate to win. First, let's go over the popularity vote. The Splatfests we've had, ever since after the pre-release Splatfest World Premiere of Rock vs. Paper vs. Scissors, have been worldwide. Every part of the universe has their results added together instead of regions having separate results. That's important. Remember how earlier this week I said about 62% of Splatoon 3's sales have been in Japan? (That's a much more skewed percentage than other games, which are usually dominated by Western interests.) It turns out that Japan has much more skewed chocolate tastes than almost everyone else.

As an example, on February 6, 2009, Japanese Wii owners on the Everybody Votes Channel could vote on a poll asking which chocolate they preferred—the options were ホワイトチョコ (or white chocolate, at 47.3%) and ビターチョコ (or bitter chocolate, at 52.7%). I'd venture to say that when milk chocolate becomes a factor, the bitter chocolate option splits a lot, but the white chocolates stay strong. It allegedly goes well with the tea they drink.

Coincidentally, another tea-happy nation, the United Kingdom, also ran the Everybody Votes Channel chocolate poll on June 19, 2007, and white chocolate actually won it at 56.5% of the vote versus 43.5% for dark chocolate. Other European nations greatly preferred non-white chocolate, including Norway going dark chocolate at 59.9% on June 19, 2007, Spain preferring dark chocolate 60.3% to white's 39.7%, Germany had Weiße Schokoladensorte (white chocolate) only get 38.3% of the vote to Dunkle Schokoladensorte's 61.7%, and France apparently didn't even put white chocolate on the poll (Le chocolat au lait, or milk chocolate, won 70.1% to Le chocolat noir's 29.9%). The Western hemisphere didn't seem to ever ask this question.

Yet according to this Quartz article, there's nowhere on Earth where white chocolate has a plurality of popularity. In fact, Japan's is quite lower than average, and milk chocolate is more popular in Japan, the United States, and much of Europe, as are variations of “filled” chocolate, whatever that means. (Chocolate, which could be white, milk, or dark, with a filling inside?)

Perhaps the real lesson here is that you can't trust statistics on this topic. But you can trust your own taste buds. (Unless you lack a sense of taste, and you might not know you lack one of those because you don't know what you're missing.) To that end, I went out of my way to go to the store and look specifically for WHITE CHOCOLATE to buy because of this Splatfest. Coincidentally, among a sea of dark and milk chocolate options, the ONLY white chocolate option I could find was Ghirardelli's white chocolate squares with a caramel filling. (Is this an example of filled chocolate?) You may remember I took selfies in my original article about this chocolate Splatfest eating Ghirardelli milk chocolate and dark chocolate. It's finally time for white chocolate to get a selfie, especially now that it won.

Ludwig Von Koopa white chocolate Splatoon 3 Splatfest Plushwig plushie Ghirardelli eating square caramel
This might not be the best selfie I've ever taken, but I'm not going to go eat ANOTHER white chocolate square to get the photo op correct.

Now I'm stuck with a bag of these white chocolate squares, and... that was not a good flavour sensation. The first bite was nice, full of bright goodness. The caramel is a big draw. But then... there is a sickly sweet aftertaste, and I'm writing that as a member of Team Sweet whose tooth is a sweet tooth. But it kind of hurt my mouth and conquered my taste buds with a wave of unpleasantness, like I just ate a chemically laced object that I'm not supposed to eat. I've never licked a Nintendo Switch cartridge unlike a lot of weirdo Internet personalities, but that's what I imagine doing so would taste like. Milk chocolate's flavour profile is also sweet without making me feel bad.

And you're telling me that this won not only the popularity vote, but every other category, too? Because I don't see how people liking this bad chocolate flavour makes them more skilled. I'd say that makes them very unrefined and unappreciative of the finer qualities of life, which as far as I'm concerned, should make them worse at shooting out ink and avoid getting splatted. One possibility is that teams with white ink—and White Chocolate had white ink—have an inherent advantage due to being more visually difficult to play against with how the map button works. (That said, at least with White Chocolate's shade of white, that seems to have been toned down in Splatoon 3 versus Splatoon 2.) Every team with white ink has won their Splatfest, after all. Perhaps that explains the skill-based differences.

As for the popularity vote, if the allegations of Japan being the reason why Team White Chocolate won are true, that should be added to the list of reasons why Japan and Japanese culture are very overrated and falsely put up on a pedestal by Westerners that like some of Japan's cultural exports.

Ludwig sees no reason to not keep adding to this article if more people keep bashing Team White Chocolate. Message him however you want and he'll keep updating this article. Everyone who contributed to this article is entitled to receiving juicy guest post credit for the KoopaTV Loyalty Rewards Program, which is KoopaTV's free-to-participate bimonthly contest where the most active people engaged with the website get a prize at the end, such as a $10 eShop gift card code.


  1. I had a Zero bar ( in case you've not heard of them) a day or two ago, those are made with white chocolate. I liked it. I'd even put it in my top 5 candy bars, probably at #4 after Reese's Fast Breaks, 3 Musketeers, and Crunch bars. But even after reading this article, I still don't get how white chocolate could have won out over milk. Like, on the one hand, people like it better in Japan and the UK, but on the other they actually don't?

  2. This entire propaganda post was made by a genuine imbecile. We should not trust a word they say.

    1. Only parts of this post were made by genuine imbecile(s). Other parts of it were made by geniuses.


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