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Wednesday, July 21, 2021

The Strict Tokyo 2021 Olympic Regulations for Athletes

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - Masks and quarantines and social distancing and no tourism...

You may be wondering when exactly Team Koopa Kingdom is going to Japan to compete in the Olympics. (And if you're wondering about Mario's team or Sonic's team, go to their websites instead. This is KoopaTV. For Koopas.) Well, we've read up on the 70-page Playbook for Athletes published by the International Olympic Committee (IOC). The gist of the Playbook is that before traveling to Japan, we need to take our temperature every day for 14 days and monitor ourselves for Chinese Communist Party Virus symptoms. In the 96 hours (four days) prior to departing to Japan, we need to pass two COVID-19 tests (pass = negative score). We also need to download an Online Check-in and Health report App (OCHA)—you can see it has low reviews and is glitchy. Then there are many more rules once we get into Japan.

Our point of contact is an IOC-appointed COVID-19 Liaison Officer, which is abbreviated as CLO for the rest of that document. They're supposed to be taking care of this stuff so the athletes can focus on winning games, but they're less of a friendly assistant and more of a nagging jerk. They'll be holding us to an Activity Plan, which each team member has to fill out that includes all of their personal information, where they'll be staying in Japan, and the precise locations they'll be going to (only Olympic Games venues). Public transportation generally isn't allowed. Walking around also is not allowed. Our Activity Plan must be approved by the authorities, and we generally won't be allowed to change it. No one is allowed to go around to different areas in Japan. Olympic areas only. That means I won't be able to visit Nintendo's Uji City plant or Makishima Castle, for example.

Athletes are incentivised to arrive as late as possible and leave as early as possible. They literally are having us sleep on cardboard beds, which dumb people think is to prevent athletes from having sexual intercourse with one another. The actual reason is because they're uncomfortable (so we'll want to leave the country earlier and not linger) and apparently designed to be recycled, spreading the evils of cardboard into the ecosystem. After a particular individual's event is over, the Playbook states we must leave Japan as soon as possible (within 48 hours of the event ending or one getting eliminated)—they don't want us sticking around for the Closing Ceremony.

The biggest problem is the section on wearing masks. I need to wear a face mask at all times, which is every moment of the day except “when eating, drinking, training, competing or sleeping”. They also let athletes not wear a mask during interviews, although the person interviewing has to wear a mask. It doesn't matter if someone is vaccinated or not. Apparently, despite there being an exception for training, I also must also wear a face mask at the Olympic Village's fitness centre. Like, if I had to wear a mask throughout the whole time I'm playing Ring Fit Adventure, I would've never done it.

Tokyo 2020 Olympics athletes playbook wear a mask at all times Paralympics
Shout-outs to the guy with the mask with one arm, because it's substantially more difficult to put on and take off a mask with one arm.
Dude beats out all of these multi-armed losers who wore a mask wrong.

I'm actually wondering what the point of getting vaccinated at all was. They offered all the Olympic teams the vaccine, and all it did was hamper my training for half a week and then eliminated my training for a full week three weeks after. When you're an Olympic athlete competing at the highest levels, that lost time really can matter, so I'm at a competitive disadvantage versus an unvaccinated opponent who trained the whole time and didn't deal with any side-effects, assuming they didn't actually catch the symptomatic form of the CCP Virus.

Of course, the COMPLIANCE AND CONSEQUENCES section of the Playbook at the very end declares that “intentionally disrespecting mask wearing [...] may result in disciplinary consequences.” These can include warnings, financial penalties, and disqualification from the Olympics. Uh... I guess since this article counts as intentionally disrespecting mask wearing, then... Well, hope they don't read this, I guess.

Team Koopa is actually on our way to Japan right now, but... we're caught up having to quarantine for the first three days because we feel CCP Virus symptoms of “tiredness”, a most common symptom to be concerned about as stated by the World Health Organization. We need to test negative for COVID-19 every day for those three days and only then we'll be allowed to do our sport. (I'm tired of having to deal with all of this bureaucracy! It doesn't mean I'm infected with anything!) That means we won't physically be at the Olympic Opening Ceremonies this Friday. ...So be it. KoopaTV will still have coverage of it! ...Just not a participatory role.

KoopaTV will let you know how Ludwig and the rest of Team Koopa does. It might be difficult to write articles while competing, so keep that in mind and please understand.

Here's KoopaTV's live reaction to the Opening Ceremony! ...Watched from afar.
Team Koopa managed to make it through these regulations (or at least Ludwig did) and he participated in his Olympic event!
Ludwig wouldn't get tested again for having the coronavirus until mid-2022. Still negative.

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