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Wednesday, March 24, 2021

Our Virtual Tour of Super Nintendo World, Now Open!

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - #We Aren't Mario.

Once upon a time, the Nintendo-Universal Studios collaboration theme park Super Nintendo World was supposed to open February 4, 2021. That didn't happen. But, hey, it's open now! (And has been for the past week.) If you got 7,800 yen (after tax) (about $72) lying around for a one-day stay, you can check it out. It's about $141 for a two-day stay. Not my sort of thing, honestly. But I am willing to go on a virtual tour of the place courtesy of the website. At least that's free.

There are a few details we didn't already get from Shigeru Miyamoto's trespassing of Lord Bowser's domain in Super Nintendo World back in 2020. Not only was he trespassing, it turns out that Shigeru Miyamoto vandalised some expensive artwork of the King of Koopas himself. Apparently in the spirit of vandalising Koopa property, the theme park website boldly declares, “#WE ARE MARIO!!” (By the way, hashtags break when you put a space. Dunno if they know that.) But let's look at what's in the park...

Mario Kart: Koopa's Challenge


If you're under four feet, stay away from this. (Unless you're accompanied by a taller person, then you need to be three and a half feet or taller.) Also, if you're pregnant, have back, hip, or neck problems (...well, I am seeing a chiropractor, so I guess that disqualifies me), or you got problems with fog or strobe effects, you also ought to stay away.

I think we've covered this five-minute attraction enough. You put on an icky augmented reality hat/goggles and see all sorts of stuff as you're put into the kart and need to hang onto the handle bar. There is a steering wheel, and when the augmented reality signals tell you to steer with contextual arrows, you should steer to get coins. There are also triggers on the wheel to assault Team Koopa racers with shells to steal their money, which I strongly discourage you from doing. Apparently, you win after “earning” 100 coins.

I guess it's a fairly accurate experience, in terms of bullying Koopas for no reason. It doesn't seem like Team Koopa will ever throw shells at you. It's one-sided, which properly demonstrates how Mario is an aggressive genocidal jerk.


Yoshi's Adventure


This five-minute ride involves hopping on Yoshi “for an adorable adventure!” This one seems more child-friendly, since your minimum height with an accompanying guest is at least being 34 inches, or almost 3 feet. For some reason, you need to look for Captain Toad (who is apparently at Mount Beanpole from Super Mario 3D World) and steal his three treasures (three eggs... so maybe they're Yoshi's treasures), and your method of doing so is to ride Yoshi instead of walking around. ...Maybe that's why we need walking to be fun? Though I guess Yoshi is getting a work-out looking for their eggs.

Super Nintendo World Osaka Yoshi's Adventure
It doesn't seem possible to screw up riding Yoshi as long as you aren't dumb enough to jump off or something.
...Though Mario does that. Often. And sacrifices Yoshi in the process.
So I guess this ride isn't too accurate.


Power-Up Band Key Challenge


The website encourages attendees to “collect the keys and infiltrate Bowser Jr.'s Lair!” And then attack him, apparently... You can collect those keys with a Power-Up Band you can purchase (separately, don't know the price). Allegedly, Bowser Jr. took Princess Peach's Golden Mushroom, but if it was such a problem, then you'd think Super Nintendo World wouldn't try to profit off the circumstance by selling a separate Power-Up Band.

There are five keys, but Bowser Jr.'s lair can be invaded with only three. Holding the keys are...
  1. Goomba, in Goomba Crazy Crank
  2. Koopa Troopa, in Koopa Troopa POWer Punch
  3. Piranha Plant, in Piranha Plant Nap Mishap
  4. Thwomp, in Thwomp Panel Panic
  5. Bob-omb, in Bob-omb Kaboom Room

The website doesn't explain what those challenges actually involve, and perhaps the surprise is part of the challenge. The website does describe that you can “Meet the talking Mario, Luigi and Peach” but only “come face-to-face with the cheerful Toad.” So I guess Toad doesn't, uh, talk. He's probably censored. Mario, Luigi, and Peach don't seem to mind Bowser Jr. allegedly taking the Golden Mushroom, which is also fairly accurate, since it's all a false flag pretense to weakly justify Mario committing acts of genocide anyway.


Kinopio's Cafe, Pit Stop Popcorn, Yoshi's Snack Island


“Chef Toad” allegedly is cooking “fun gourmet dishes” for you, which sounds like an untrustworthy tourist trap. These include Mario's Bacon Cheeseburger “made for Mario himself!” (well, at least it's made of bacon and not beef? I'd never eat it for a wide variety of reasons, but now I know why Doopliss turned the Twilight Town folks into pigs...), a mushroom pizza, Piranha Plant Caprese salad (unclear if it's made of Piranha Plant), and a tiramisu shaped like a ? block. Outside of the gourmet cafe, you can spend money on way-overpriced popcorn, as well as a Yoshi-themed snack shop where you can eat a yogurt lassi in either cantaloupe or mango flavours, as well as a Green Shell calzone filled with cheese and whatever a yakisoba is. ...I assume it's not made from real Koopas.

1UP Factory


Since the tourism traps aren't enough with just food, you can also buy exclusive merchandise! These range from plushies to super-tacky clothes that are supposed to make you look like Mario. Prices aren't provided on the website, but I assume they're almost as outrageous as Mario's fashion sense.

It's a common criticism that Super Nintendo World is very much focused on the Mushroom Kingdom, as opposed to anything else Nintendo. I think the intention of this was to give a very cohesive and immersive experience, rather than breaking up the attractions with arbitrary franchise barriers that might give a mood whiplash going from one to another. Alternatively, the other franchises just don't want to associate with #WE ARE MARIO!!, since... they shouldn't want solidarity with an egregiously scumbag villain like the plumber. (Actually, there's a few Pikmin roaming about, but who cares?)


Ludwig wants to reiterate that for $72, you get to walk around the park and do two five-minute rides. Everything else costs more money. Budget accordingly if you plan to visit Super Nintendo World in Japan! ...Which Ludwig does not plan to do.

8 comments :

  1. I wonder if they'll have a yoshi merry-go-round.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No? Not even a maybe? wouldn't you like to ride the yoshi-goround a couple times until you go flying off? I would pick the purple yoshi, what about you?

      Delete
    2. Whether I'd like it or not doesn't change that they won't/don't have it.

      Delete
    3. You should write a letter demanding that they build one, I'm sure they would change their minds for royalty.

      Delete
    4. I mean, I'm never gonna go there anyway!
      Even when I go to Japan for the Olympics!

      Delete
  2. You don’t have to kill Yoshi. Other than that, great article.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. He didn't have to, and the fact that he did makes it even worse!

      Delete

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