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Thursday, March 25, 2021

Super Mario Bros. 35's Last World Count Challenge ISN'T a Genocide. Just Hyperinflation

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - Though Nintendo is finding other ways to promote Goomba genocide.

After a dual-article intense “NEVER AGAIN” lobbying campaign from KoopaTV (and you)—specifically the article condemning the general genocidal Super Mario Bros. 35 1st World Count Challenge (that disproportionately affected Goombas) and the article condemning the genocidal Super Mario Bros. 35 2nd World Count Challenge (that specifically targeted Goombas), Nintendo's third and final World Count Challenge is...for players to cumulatively collect 350 million Coins to win 350 My Nintendo Platinum Points by March 30, 2:59 Eastern. In other words, the goal isn't murder. It's just inflating the Mushroom Kingdom's currency to general uselessness on a scale far more than the millions of coins that Mario was tasked with creating for New Super Mario Bros. 2.

Quite frankly, the very poor monetary policies of the Mushroom Kingdom government doesn't bother me anywhere near genocide does, given how life is of greater importance than international economics. Yes, it makes it extremely difficult for them to be a viable trading partner, despite their abundance of natural resources. One of the reasons why Koopa Kingdom finds it desirable to... borrow land ownership of areas of the Mushroom Kingdom is to be able to access those resources without the nearly impossible trade issues due to how awful the gold coin's value is.

(Mushroom Kingdom currency being worthless would make stable Koopa Kingdom coin currency quite desirable to the Mushroom Kingdom people... except it's not considered legal tender and the exchange rates are ridiculous enough that no one's gonna exchange it.)

I was supposed to write a detailed article on the Mushroom Kingdom's inflation woes many years ago and still haven't done so, but this isn't that article. This article is just happy about the lack of widespread incentivised genocide.

Well... that's speaking too soon. Look at this video Nintendo uploaded today:




Goombas Galore! Sounds like a positive video title. The video description even uses good-sounding terms like deeming Goombas faithful. Who doesn't like faithfulness? While the video description confusingly mentions armour (what armour...? Their very rare giant Shoe? The similarly rare Spike Helmet?), it then provides the truth of the video's agenda: Nintendo wants you to kill Goombas with a jump, even providing instructions on what kind of jump: “a well-timed jump!” Which isn't something KoopaTV endorses or recommends you do. Then the entire video is dedicated to being a montage of Mario murdering Goombas. Only in a sick, forgone world should this pass for quality content.

Why did Nintendo release this video? Do they just want Goombas to go extinct? Is someone in their video production team bitter that the 3rd World Count Challenge isn't a third anti-Goomba genocide? Since Super Mario Bros. 35 is disappearing really soon (and that's a great thing), are they recommending other Goomba-murder-enabling games in its place?

If you really want those 350 Platinum Points (“To be eligible, players must choose either the Special Battle or 35-Player Battle mode and collect at least one Coin during the event period. If the goal is reached, Platinum Points will be issued within seven days of the event ending.”), here's what I recommend you do:


Super Mario Bros. 35 World 1-1 die to Goomba 1 coin World Count Challenge
Go to 1-1, open the first ? block you see to get one coin, and then die to the nearest Goomba.
(For the purposes of this screenshot, I wasn't fast enough to die to the very first Goomba after hitting the first ? block.
So I avoided the first Goomba and allowed it to roam freely, hit the block, and died to the second Goomba.)


You only need to collect one coin to be eligible! And, hey, if enough people do that, no more Goombas will have to die. Everyone wins! Except Mario. And except the genocide-happy weirdos who apparently work at Nintendo. And that's the way it should be.


Remember: NEVER AGAIN to genocide. Ludwig is super happy that Super Mario Bros. 35 will be no more in under a week, though there is a rash of FAKE NEWS that claims there will be a public execution of the evil plumber by April 1. According to Koopa Kingdom intelligence, no such event is taking place...though it should.

2 comments :

  1. I wonder if they'll actually give out those points on time. But don't get too discouraged about the goombas. As a certain company president likes to say, "It's just a little kleaning".

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