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Monday, December 16, 2019

Hey, Sakurai, I'm From the '80s. Bring Me Back!

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - Jerks. I will not be invalidated!

Starting on Friday (December 13) and extending throughout the weekend was a “Bringing Back the '80s” event on Super Smash Bros. Ultimate. Click that link for the event details, but here's the description:
“This tourney focuses purely on fighters and stages created in the '80s! Pull off some rad veteran moves to come out on top!

The further you advance, the better the spirit you'll win!” 

Well, hey! I'm a playable character in Super Smash Bros. Ultimate. I made my videogame debut in the 1980s with the release of Super Mario Bros. 3!

Alright, 1988 in Japan. 1990 in North America. 1991 in Europe. I'm not really sure what the hold-up was. But I ought to be eligible for this tournament, especially since Japan is having the same event. But... I'm not in the list of eligible fighters either way.

Well, it's a stupid tournament regardless. You probably suffered with Time battle with items on some of the worst stages Super Smash Bros. Ultimate has to offer, such as 75m, Flat Zone X, and PAC-LAND. I boycotted the tournament. All of these event tournaments are not even fun to play in or write about. Why am I writing about this one?

This is actually a pattern of Masahiro Sakurai hating me. I suppose this isn't a Ludwig-specific thing and is a Koopalings in general thing (along with the Koopalings being bottom-tier characters for two games in a row now), but there really was a really weird thing about me in this game.

When the game launched, I was the only playable character in Super Smash Bros. Ultimate to not be involved in any Spirit Battles whatsoever. All the other Koopalings got one or more. Alph got some. Even Cloud got a Spirit Battle, being Zeke. It wasn't until the Nintendo Labo invaded the game nearly half a year later as DLC that I got SOMETHING, which was one of eight characters appearing in the Labo Smash Kit Toy-Con Car battle.

Super Smash Bros. Ultimate Ludwig Von Koopa Spirit Battle Toy-Con Labo Car
I'm the Ludwig looking at the camera.
The other Ludwig is FAKE NEWS.

That... of course, is a very insulting move from Sakurai to make, given both my position on cars, and much more importantly, my position on the threat of the Nintendo Labo Vehicle Kit. Why couldn't Dr. Wily take after me? What does he see in Dr. Mario? Their methods are totally different.

Super Smash Bros. Ultimate online tourney mode Bringing Back the '80s or 1-on-1
The right tournament is a lot more enticing. A 1-on-1 tournament, with a flat stage, no items, and best of all, ME!

Fortunately, Super Smash Bros. Ultimate offered another tournament alternative to the event in the same timeframe. A good ol’ 1v1 tournament. I'm NOT banned from that. Let's play...

...Oh, you got to be kidding me. What the hell is this:

Super Smash Bros. Ultimate character alt glitch Ludwig Von Koopa Bowser Jr.
WHY DID I TRANSFORM INTO BOWSER JR.? I mean, I did still win.
The game recognised me as me on the tournament bracket screen.
But I picked to play as myself and ended up playing as Bowser Jr. instead.

MASAHIRO SAKURAI HATES ME. I avoid his biased, anti-me tournament, and then he just makes it so I end up playing as someone else entirely anyway. Screw this.


This would've been published on the day of the tournament beginning, Friday, but Ludwig had a commitment to publish his fifth weekly Ring Fit Adventure fitness log then. Ludwig doesn't want to imply that this is a belated birthday article (December 13, which HAPPENS TO BE WHEN THIS TOURNAMENT STARTED) and doesn't want to imply that he's admitting that he was born in the 1980s. He might have been. He might not have been. It's not like he was an infant when Super Mario Bros. 3 released, but if he was, that'd make Mario's child abuse even more dastardly.


Even if he dislikes these online event tourneys, Ludwig still writes about one a month later when the subject is Super Smash Bros. Melee.
Following an event tournament on the 1980s, there is one on the 1990s. Ludwig isn't in that one, either.

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