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Thursday, September 20, 2018

What's Your Style? Retro vs. Modern Splatfest!

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - Featuring Nintendo Switch Online.

I'm not really one for wearing clothes. You know, normally. Sometimes, special costumes and outfits are cool (there was a whole Splatfest about that). But normally, Koopas wearing hoodies just look terrible.

This weekend's Splatoon 2 Splatfest asks, “What's your style?”

Splatoon 2 Splatfest Retro vs. Modern announcement news style
I'm all about the RETRO style!
I'm all about the MODERN style!

This Splatfest is wondering what your “aesthetic” is, which is some kind of tumblr concept that I don't understand or appreciate. I just know it's annoying.

On KoopaTV, I not only bash retro gaming by saying that no one cares about NES games, but I regularly bash modern games and their practices. Obviously, I'm just an all-around hater, so I'm not sure what my “style” is.

And then Nintendo shared this official promotional art of Pearl (Team Retro captain) and Marina (Team Modern captain):

Well, steampunk is Team Retro and cyberpunk is Team Modern? Well, that makes my choice easy. Obviously Team Retro. Steampunk is awesome.

Unfortunately for me, the top result for the word “steampunk” on KoopaTV is this bad reaction log for Code Name S.T.E.A.M. from E3 2014, where I say... 
“    So everything is steam-powered.
    I never saw the whole steampunk appeal.
[50 minutes later]
    At the time the British empire was the biggest on earth, so London makes sense as a starting point, we're told. Victorian setting makes sense because of the steampunk aesthetic.
    ...I never cared about steampunk, saying that again.” 
I said in the log that I didn't see the appeal of steampunk or care about it. (The use of the word “aesthetic” was a quote from the source, by the way. I'm not THAT contradictory.)

Well, ever since then, I got some... taste. One of the biggest flops Nintendo's ever made, Code Name S.T.E.A.M., was a complete disaster in spite of its steampunk sensibilities. You really gotta screw it up when you start from such a good concept. (I partially blame Wil Wheaton's presence.)

Usually, my choices are on at least slightly sturdier logic than just looking at the official Splatfest artwork, so I'll justify Team Retro over Team Modern on grounds besides steampunk being superior to cyberpunk.

What could be more sturdy than a Koopa shell? Nothing. While a Koopa's shell isn't an actual article of clothing (as opposed to a part of the body), it would classify as... style.

So, take a look at this retro vs. modern match-up with my shell:

Ludwig Von Koopa green shell vs blue shell Mario & Luigi Superstar Saga + Bowser's Minions Koopaling redesign
Left: My green shell as of Mario & Luigi: Superstar Saga (2003).
Right: My blue shell as of Mario & Luigi: Superstar Saga + Bowser's Minions (2017).

Before New Super Mario Bros. Wii (2009), my shell was green (despite what some bad retro in-game sprites might show you, along with inaccurate hair colour), like many of the other Koopalings... and more importantly, like King Bowser Koopa's shell. Then New Super Mario Bros. Wii happened and my shell turned to blue, along with the shells of the other Koopalings.

It was all done as a conspiracy to portray me as anything but King Bowser's eldest son! All in an effort to recast me as a nobody, and that pest Bowser Jr. (who I have some choice words I'm reserving for an article coming in the very near future) as the heir to the Koopa Kingdom throne!

Nay! I long for the retro days where no one doubted this and that meddling Miyamoto wasn't mucking up family affairs with his LIES. The glory days...

...Oh, right. I nearly forgot. This is the first Splatfest that will be using Splatoon 2's version 4 rules, with the Normal and Pro versions of Splatfest matches. It's also the first Splatfest that will be taking place under Nintendo Switch Online's paid service (another reason to long for the retro days before Nintendo started charging for online without providing value in return). I myself will be using the 7-day free trial to be able to play this Splatfest.

Ludwig doesn't know about the styles of your world, so if you have your own reason for choosing retro over modern or modern over retro, go ahead and share them in the comments section below. He can only speak for himself, where he believes things were better in years past than at present.

The Splatfest before this had utensils duke it out.
When it came to a sort of similar theme, Past vs. Future, Ludwig sided with Team Past.
As promised, here's Ludwig trashing Bowser Jr. one day later.
Not even one full month later is the next Splatfest: Trick vs. Treat!
Want to learn more about the new Splatfest rule system that Retro vs. Modern debuted, and the results? Click here.
Ludwig rants again about New Super Mario Bros. Wii and how it changed the looks of him and his siblings.


  1. I'm siding with Team Modern this round because I'm all about the present. While I do admit the steampunk design for Pearl is superior to Marina's cyberpunk design, I'm basing my choice on the two as a whole. I would much prefer to wear the style of today than I would 70s or 80s fashion.

    1. I don't even know what 70s or 80s fashion is to you humans.


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