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Friday, September 5, 2014

Fear The Teeth

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - I'm sure you've been wondering about my tooth.

In a lot of games, people have teeth. ...And non-people too. So what? Well, if you're taking a photo of someone, they like to flash a toothy grin. Please stop doing that. I smile with my mouth closed. Then those photographers insist I flash a toothy grin. You know who has a toothy grin and is all the worse for it?

This freak. ...Well, no, he's not a freak.

For all the hate in some circles of Donkey Kong: Jungle Beat, at least it had non-toothy art.

He looks majestic here.

If you look at my avatar, you see I can't actually pull off the toothy grin look. You know, because of the lack of more than one tooth. "How do you chew things?" I get asked. That's a trade secret.

You can chew things or you can suck things.

Personally, teeth frighten me. Well, dentists do. Dentists are one of my biggest fears, up there with being groped by Mario. Which is why I was happy that Kirby went out of his way to destroy the dentist monster in Kirby Right Back At Ya!.


I don't like brushing teeth. That's why I got the bare minimum. The best thing you can do is get like... cyborg teeth. Mechanical ones. Don't get dirty. Don't get... shattered.

Poor Chain Chomp falls victim.

Really, the most scary thing teeth have ever done... The movie "Teeth". It's rated R. Don't watch it. Ever. Or you might end up like me. Afraid.


Yes, I am afraid of teeth to the point where I show off only one. Compare to Bidoof.

Two teeth. With moves like HYPER FANG.

Many have made fun of my decision to have one tooth. I say I'm better for it. I don't have a problem eating food, you know. It sort of can just melt in my mouth, with the whole fireball thing and all.

Do not ever put a dentist or teeth-themed world or level in your game. That will frighten the audience. Maybe if you're trying to scare the audience you do that. A horror game set in a dentist office. I would definitely never play it. Dentists literally have torture tools at the ready. You would think that could be appealing to some folk but it's not.

You know that the plumber also claims to be a doctor, right? And how that entire practice is a sham? Makes me think why he didn't pretend to be a dentist instead. The guy is a terrorist, and dentists are a lot more terrorizing than doctors. It would fit his motif a bit more.

Speaking of teeth-related creeps...

We can't all be like Yoshi and just slurp up all our food, or be like Kirby and suck it up. Even if we fear teeth, most of us have at least one of 'em. They're one of the few tools we come with, along with nails. You got to maintain them. ...Of course, there are people who use their teeth to tear their nails. Don't do that.

One day I hope technology will advance where we will no longer need dentists or teeth and that "oral health is part of overall health" will disappear. The mouth will become what its true purpose is: Being the vehicle in which we communicate through speech. Whether it be the irreverent speech you read on KoopaTV (if you... read it out loud), or the hate speech you see peddled by the Democrat National Committee, when I think of the mouth, I think of talking. Not teeth. ...Teeth and the tongue help make sounds, I guess. But imagine where we just had that usage for teeth, and the whole chewing thing didn't happen. If you don't eat, you can't get cavities, right? Because there wouldn't be anything in your teeth.


This article is getting long in the tooth, so... Ludwig was sedated on dentist drugs while writing this article. That should explain a lot. If you would like to share your own teeth-related experiences, go ahead.


Halloween is a conspiracy to bring children to the evil dentists.
Ludwig provided another author avatar gimmick when he got Zika, here.

2 comments :

  1. Discussions of teeth tend to remind me of Ray Bradbury's "The Skeleton."
    "Your skeleton is showing."

    Also: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_JHaeJyLw2o

    ReplyDelete

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