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Friday, October 30, 2015

Oh, Forget Halloween.

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - I'm not gonna try to scare you this year...

I never was a big Halloween guy. If I were to just walk around humans not wearing any costume, I'll end up terrifying you weak people.

King Koopa french couple Super Koopa Super Mario Bros. 3 cartoon
King Dad terrifying this French couple. ...Then again, they're French.

I don't have any ulterior motive for saying, "Don't bother with Halloween." KoopaTV won't have anything new coming out October 31 this year since it's a weekend, so I don't really care about the traffic loss (though keep traffic of a different kind in mind). The KoopaTV Loyalty Rewards Program is having a gap day on Halloween anyway so we can calculate the scores and determine the winner. I'm sayin', I'm doing this out of the goodness of my heart!

...Ahahahah! Ahem. So 'cause I ain't big on Halloween, you shouldn't be either. And here's why!

Remember I said to keep traffic in mind? No? Well, read my damn parenthesis. Anyway, people can't drive on Halloween. And if they are driving, you'll probably die if you're trick-or-treating, like these girls did. It's dark out. There's kids everywhere. They're all wearing costumes, and some of these costumes pretty much make them invisible in the dark. Like, say, if you're dressed up as a ninja. Just because no one can see you doesn't mean you don't have a physical presence. Life doesn't work like Professor Layton vs. Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney!

And I was getting to a good segue there. You could be trick-or-treating, sure. Or you could be inside all day and grind out Saturday's Splatfest of Team Pirates vs. Team Ninjas! So rather than be ran over by a truck in your ninja get-up, you can be ran over by a Krak-On Roller. Because you better believe that if you're a ninja, you're gonna get splatted frequently. I'll make sure of it, you scum.

Say you're not a ninja and you're in one of those skimpy outfits that is all the rage with our sexualised adult culture that's ruining our children. In which case, please don't do that. But, that said, it's going to be cold outside. And raining and thundering, depending on where you live in the United States. And the climate is probably worse outside of it. The flu is going around and your immune system is going to be a disaster.

Maybe if you dressed up as the Ice Climbers, you'd be all snug and warm.

Super Smash Bros. 4 event match All-Star Battle Melee no Ice Climbers
Ice Climbers was introduced in Super Smash Bros. Melee, but...

And that's definitely a creepy costume idea, considering the Ice Climbers disappeared. There is nothing but ghost stories concerning them. Some say that Nana grew up and changed her name to Lara Croft and went to star in Rise of the Tomb Raider.

Reminder that the Nintendo 3DS version of Super Smash Bros. has prevented the Ice Climbers from getting an amiibo, and has therefore prevented Yoshi from getting a set of parkas for Yoshi's Woolly World. How is Yoshi going to stay warm this Halloween NOW? Dude's cold-blooded, just like I am!

Why the hell do folks celebrate Halloween, anyway? Some say it's a pagan witch holiday, while others say Christians took it for some reason for some purpose. Well I'm not a pagan or a Christian, and I really don't think Halloween celebrates a good value system. There's just nothing positive about it. Rather than go around and take razor-blade-embedded candy from strangers, you can buy non-tampered candy for 75% off at the store the very next day. We should teach children to give, not take. And if they're going to take, they should at least take stuff that's good for them and won't give the dentists excuses to do horrible things to them. Like booty. That's what pirates do. (Join Team Pirates!)

Rand Paul national debt Halloween costume
Senator Rand Paul dressing up as the national debt. TERRIFYING.
Also, the federal government is on Team Pirates. Well, too late to switch sides now!

Even if it's a total secular thing now, why the heck do we have a day dedicated to spooky scary stuff? And why is candy involved? Sweet things don't go together with spooky things. Those are total opposites! If you want to teach what "irony" is to kiddos so they actually know what the word means, there are far better ways.

If you want an excuse to dress up, go to one of the many conventions that may be in your area held every so often. Gaming conventions, anime conventions, whatever. They'll accept you.

So yeah. It's cold. You could play Splatoon instead. You could die. It promotes bad values. Halloween is just a losing proposition.

Ludwig is a grumpy old guy who doesn't give out candy to younger children. Kids that try to get candy from Koopa Kastle don't come back out. ...At least, not for a while. ...Y'know, 'cause it's Koopa Kingdom's biggest party in there, and they don't wanna leave! But YOU'RE not invited.

KoopaTV had a live reaction log of The Last of Us for its first Halloween...
...And terrified readers with the threat of the staff having Ebola for its second.
Baby, it's cold outside. So read KoopaTV! ...For when it's REALLY cold out. And Christmas.
Want to see what discounts on candy Ludwig did find the day after Halloween?
Next year on Halloween, the election has Hillary Clinton leading. That's quite scary.
Halloween is still a bad holiday, and trickers support it more than treaters.
Ludwig has an idea for how Koopa Kingdom can take advantage of Halloween.
It's quite bad when people dress up as Mario for Halloween.


  1. Call me "Crazy" but I fangirl scream if I see you at my door on Halloween. do not care if you were there to kidnap me, seeing your face would be my dream come true! I just hope wherever you are, you can at least make a night mask party and invite random strangers that want to have fun :) (I'm literally laughing just saying that)

    1. "I fangirl scream if I see you at my door on Halloween"

      Your tense there makes it seem like you're acting like this has happened before.

      I'm not making a night mask party.

  2. My Halloween plans:
    -Write, because I need to get a little over 3,000 words written today
    -Go to church
    -Carefully ride around looking at all the trick-or-treaters
    -Watch Grinch Night

    And somewhere in there, hopefully watch my friend terrify himself live-streaming SOMA. :D

    1. (The streaming that'll happen will be him pissing himself in fright.
      ...Or at least that was my impression reading that comment.)

      Kamek described that he'll be in some some of church Fall Festival or something.

    2. :P

      Hmm, I see. Mine's just regular church. xD

  3. Replies
    1. I'm part of a group that happens to not celebrate it.

    2. ...Well that wasn't much of a rant. That was a cogent sentence.


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