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Tuesday, April 30, 2019

Gotta Go Fast... away from that Sonic The Hedgehog 2019 film

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - It all happens so fast that it'll be over before we know it.

I really don't want to even embed this supposedly awful movie trailer (or fantastic trailer accurately representing a supposedly awful movie) onto my pristine and wonderful website. Unfortunately, it's “trending” and my staff thinks I gotta write about this today (or the opportunity will have long passed), so here is the trailer for Sonic The Hedgehog, coming to theatres you should (quickly) run away from this November:

Hopefully Paramount Pictures has their YouTube account deleted so you can't actually see it. Wait, I'm also being told by my staff that I need to upload some still screenshots from this trailer. Hopefully our image server is broken, because here we go:

Sonic The Hedgehog 2019 movie film trailer Tom Wachowski child kidnapping luggage bag
What's with those awful-looking blue jeans?

According to the trailer description, Dr. Robotnik is allegedly trying to cause trouble on Earth (specifically the United States, so the Pentagon is involved) and Sonic the Hedgehog and some buddy cop of his need to team up and stop him.

As far as I can tell, the actual trailer makes it seem like there is this furry blue hedgehog menace and Dr. Robotnik—through much research and dedication—is coming to stop it by any means necessary to save the power grid. I think that plot interpretation makes the most sense.

Sonic The Hedgehog 2019 movie film trailer Dr. Robotnik Eggman robot machine destroyed
At least the destroyed ground vehicle is on its side on the breakdown lane and doesn't block traffic.

There have been some leaks or whatever of Sonic The Hedgehog before now, where fans had a collective cry of contempt for the design of the titular hedgehog. But I can't seem to get a still of him. I guess I'm too slow.

But in the absence of ever seeing Sonic's design, I really don't see a problem with this trailer! In fact, all of the parts that play at the speed of comprehension with Dr. Robotnik seem pretty good.

Sonic The Hedgehog 2019 movie film trailer power outage Pacific Northwest California blue lightning
In the 1930s, Oklahoma residents fled to California to avoid the Dust Bowl.
It's caught up to them now.

Ludwig still doesn't want to pay money to go see a movie that ends this quickly. He's not sure what SEGA was thinking here. What do you think about it? Go ahead and provide your comments in the comments section!

Ludwig managed to avoid directly ever writing about the similar Detective Pikachu movie, with his thoughts summarised in this article trashing the game as a communist plot.
Sonic's design is getting changed due to popular demand, right when Ludwig finally got a still picture of it.
The movie is delayed to 2020.
Sonic got redesigned and Ludwig finally got a picture. He also addresses the embedded video being private.
The movie was released to mediocre reviews but many ticket purchases. In 2020.


  1. When I first saw the link to today's article, all I saw of the title was the "gotta go fast" part. And I was totally all, "PLEASE be like, away from the movie." And then I clicked on it and this may be the most not disappointed I have been by a thing on the internet.

    1. And then the article content itself gets... less and less critical as it goes on.


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