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Monday, July 23, 2018

Thanks, Splatfest: Conserving Inkopolis Square for Inklings

Squidwig KoopaTV avatarBy LUDWIG VON KOOPA - Real talk about the Squid vs. Octopus Splatfest result.

Hey. This isn't Ludwig. It's Squidwig. I'm back after a VERY long absence (check out my article history in the links below the footer — the latest was 2015), because I can't just let that Koopa guy not talk about the results of the Splatfest that just happened: Squid vs. Octopus. And, let's get real, it's Inkling vs. Octoling.

KoopaTV does a great job of talking about Splatfests before they happen, but they don't do the follow-up discussion on the results. The results for this Splatfest are particularly important for my society. Here they are:

Splatoon 2 Splatfest results Squid vs. Octopus votes solo team popularity win percents
Team Squid won the Splatfest because of battle performance. Team Octopus won popularity by 12 points.

Let's talk about that votes row in the results. Team Squid got 44%. Team Octopus got 56%. Pretty much every Inkling in Inkopolis Square voted for Team Squid, and every Octoling in Inkopolis Square voted for Team Octopus. Do you know what that means?

The squids are outnumbered. In our own society. The Octarians are reproducing and claiming residence too quickly. There are more of them than us. That's not okay. We squids need to not be so limp-tentacled that some of us put up signs like this:

Splatoon 2 Splatfest Squid vs Octopus Inkopolis Square art jellyfish on head cephalopod peace
The Octoling is enjoying the Inkling's foolishness.

It's not wrong to defend Inkling culture and your own race. The Octarians specifically are coming to the surface in Inkopolis because their own civilization is screwed up and run to the ground. Why would we want that imported here?

Does anyone else find it odd that Ludwig, a Koopa that has nothing to do with Inkopolis, is telling us that race wars are bad and that defending ourselves against this Octopus menace is a great threat to social order? Who is he, from afar in his Koopa Kingdom castle perch a whole other planet away from this one, to lecture Inklings on what is best for us? That we should simply accept this Octarian invasion? And then he goes and extols the superiority of his Koopa race a mere few days later. Why is Inkling pride bad, but Koopa pride is commended? There's a lot of hypocrisy there. You know, an attitude of “I know what's good for you, but I'm not going to live by those same rules I'm telling you to live by.”

What happens to the culture when squids are a minority? Will we still have Squid Parties? Squidbagging? The Ninja Squid ability?

Marie, the legendary SQUID Sister, misses Squid Jump, which is banned from Inkopolis following the Octoling invasion.

Is Ancho-V Games banned from making a sequel to Squid Jump because it's politically incorrect? That's a definite loss to squid civilization. But in his article, Ludwig made the absurd assertion that Octolings are assimilated into Inkling culture because they both say BOOYAH! after a Salmon Run shift for Mr. Grizz. But that makes no sense. Listen to what's actually being said. Inklings say “WOOMY!” and “NGYES!”, but Octolings say “VEEMO!” and “OOMI!” That's not assimilated. That's different. It's a different language. They're not learning our language. Are we going to have to print out materials in multiple languages now, doubling costs?

The Octarians are even making their own holidays and trying to broadcast it to the rest of us — Octivus. You think I'm going to let them water down Squidmas with that?!

Splatoon 2 Octo Canyon Octoling Workout Marie these octolings just don't quit close-up kelp
The Octolings are hogging the equipment in Musselforge Fitness, so Inklings can't use anything!
That's a takeover, not assimilation into civil society.

Fortunately, an excellent thing happened last weekend: Despite being outnumbered by waves of Octarians, the Inklings have pushed them back and have retained control over Inkopolis through skill and determination.

Inklings and squids are now legally superior to Octolings and octopi. For now, that doesn't mean anything, but in time, legislators will have the opportunity to strip these Octarians down of their privileges. Take away their weapons. Soon, we can begin deporting them back underground where they belong, and have Inklings be the majority in our own society once again.

Splatoon 2 Octo Canyon story mode Octoling medium rare Agent 4 Parking Garage Marie
The only good Octarian is a medium rare Octarian.

Squidwig is a staunch supporter of the Squid Sisters, and thinks something is off about Off the Hook. The only way he managed to get this article published is by pretending to be LUDWIG VON KOOPA in the byline — since KoopaTV never reads its own articles after they're published (hence the multitude of typos throughout the website), that means Squidwig's message should be safe from Koopa censorship. Red pills for everyone!

Squidwig was born promoting I'm a Squid Now, I'm a Kid Now.
Of course, Squidwig promoted the actual release of the first Splatoon on release day.
Squidwig identified the reason for the resource crunch that forced Inklings and Octolings to fight one another: the EPA. 
Finally, Squidwig saw a big threat to Inkling culture with The Turf War on Squidmas.
It appears that the Octarians trying to take over the holidays have failed.
Squidwig is back in 2020, due to a Splatfest rerun overturning already-established results.
What if the Splatfest reruns exist to transform Inkopolis society in an Octarian plot? Squidwig asks the question.
There's a plot in the academy to erase both squids AND octopuses.

1 comment :

  1. Squidwig, you have me worried. You're beginning to sound more like Squitler. Are the Octolings really as bad as you say they are? I believe that Octo Lives Matter and you are falsely demonizing an innocent race of cephalopods. Just because a law is in place does not make it just. As M.L. Ink King once said, “One has a moral responsibility to disobey unjust laws.”


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