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Wednesday, July 4, 2018

Chain Chomp: Free at Last! (This is BAD!)

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - Not everyone deserves independence and freedom.

People everywhere are heralding July 4 as Independence Day. What's the deal with celebrating independence? Independent... meaning free from the control of others. One example of independence that was worth celebrating was KoopaTV getting its own domain name (KoopaTV.org).

But another example of independence people are celebrating is Chain Chomp becoming a playable character in Mario Tennis Aces — playable for the first time ever. Chain Chomp still has a chain, but the chain isn't chained to anything, allowing Chain Chomp a full range of movement and the freedom to go anywhere.

This is not something to celebrate, however. Ever consider why Chain Chomps were chained to begin with? Well, we have.

Back in the day, when King Bowser Koopa was still a baby, there wasn't a worldwide agreement to chain the Chomps. They roamed free. They ran around, chasing people. Or they jumped from the mountains and crashed down on unsuspecting pedestrians. The results were a disaster.

Wild Chomp Yoshi's Island Marching Milde's Castle 4-4 outside chasing auto-scroll eating platforms
There was a sign earlier warning Yoshi about the presence of the Chomps,
but Yoshi had business with Marching Milde and had to risk his life (and THE BABY's) anyway.

King Bowser grew up, and quickly became a ruler that didn't govern based on emotions or progressive politics. He instituted laws within Koopa Kingdom that forced all Chomps to be chained. Anyone who owned a Chomp and didn't follow this policy would be imprisoned, and the offending Chomp to be executed. The military worked with wildlife rangers to chain and quell the wild Chomp population. This law worked incredibly well — deaths from Chomps were almost entirely wiped out. The Chomps learned their place.

In fact, Koopa Kingdom's legislative actions were so effective, that they soon became a model for the other kingdoms and sovereign locations of the world. They chained their Chomps as well. The entire world became safer.

Unfortunately, as time passed, people forgot why the Chomps were chained. The bleeding-heart animal-rights groups of the world demanded independence for the Chain Chomps. They wanted social justice, and saw the world through the eyes of the Chomps, making them out to be lonely and sad creatures longing for freedom. This, combined with Mario's disregard for what's good for the world, got the Independence for Chomps movement started. It became so bad that Mario almost befriended an independent, free Chomp. It didn't work out, since Mario isn't sincerely into the cause (he only cares about death for Koopas), and couldn't stand walking around with a belligerent barking ball behind his back.


Paper Mario Color Slash Princess Chain Chomp Marmalade Valley Toad rampage
This is Princess, a Chain Chomp leader. She's a freedom fighter that was rebelling for Chomp independence.
Independent Chain Chomps potentially creating more game overs for Mario aren't a bad thing, but the infrastructure loss is terrible.

Still, with or without Mario, the nations outside of Koopa Kingdom were drastically loosening their Chain Chomp laws. As the laws loosened, so did the chains. Eventually, this gave way to full independence for Chain Chomps, and they no longer had to be chained or even caged up. This predictably resulted in a rise of Chain Chomp-related casualties, but the bleeding-hearts accepted this as a new normal.

Mario Tennis Aces Chain Chomp introduction breaking free out of cage
And here we are, to the present day. Chain Chomp has broken free from its cage, and is ready to destroy stuff.

By the way, has anyone noticed that Chain Chomp is not confirmed to return as an Assist Trophy in Super Smash Bros. Ultimate? Could Chain Chomp be a playable character before Waluigi...?

Mario Party 3 Merry-go-Chomp Waluigi Chain Chomp
While deaths from Chomps were almost entirely wiped out upon their chaining, injuries were still around.
Here's a Chain Chomp about to maul Waluigi, anticipating an appearance many years in the future in Super Smash Bros. Ultimate.


Koopa Kingdom is now one of the only places left that mandates that all Chomps be chained to something at all times, unless used for military purposes against the Kingdom's enemies. As long as the Royal Koopa Family is in charge of Koopa Kingdom, Chain Chomps will remain subjugated and dependent. Koopas and their safety come first! The feelings of Chomps come last. ...Hopefully you agree.


Ludwig is terrified of his brother, Iggy Koopa, owning a Chain Chomp in the castle. At least it's kept chained.
Unlike many other characters, Ludwig doesn't believe in Chain Chomp autonomy.

6 comments :

  1. Did you hear about the Wind Fish having a disturbing dream about a woman owning a Chain Chomp as a pet and Link borrowing her Chain Chomp to eventually awaken the poor Wind Fish and killing everyone who only exist because of the dream?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I've heard of that, but obviously it's not something I can personally verify. Could be FAKE NEWS!

      Delete
  2. Och, low blow there playing the Waluigi card for the pro-chain movement.

    ReplyDelete
  3. A chain chomp without the chain is simply a chomp which sounds just as ridiculous as giving them independence. The species is incredibly dangerous and could kill thousands of innocent lives if they were to roam free. Koopas may have hard shells to protect themselves, but other inhabitants are not quite as fortunate.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm scared of what happens if a Chain Chomp chomps a Koopa in their shell...whole.

      Delete

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