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Tuesday, July 24, 2018

Banning Straws Only Leaves Outlaws With Straws

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - Outlaws will fare well.

Some ridiculous municipalities in the United States of America are doing loony things in the name of the environment — banning (Seattle, with San Francisco and New York considering it) and even criminalising plastic straw usage, in the case of the city of Santa Barbara, California.

Santa Barbara just passed an ordinance, taking effect in 2019, that plastic straw distribution by vendors to people will result in a written warning for the first offense, and for the second time, “remedies specified pursuant to Chapters 1.25 and 1.28 of this code.” 1.28 of the code has the punishment for a misdemeanor as $1,000 and/or six months in jail.

By the way, for every individual straw you might provide, it's potentially a misdemeanor.

Two straws? Two misdemeanors.

Grasping at straws? You're better off drowning.

Paper Mario Color Splash can't outlaw straws only outlaws will have straws plastic ban
You may recall this dialogue being used in our Paper Mario: Color Splash review.
(Try to point out the differences between the two pictures in the comments section.)

You thought the above Paper Mario: Color Splash picture was a commentary on gun control? Nah, the supposedly pro-civil-liberties progressive leftists don't just want to keep firearms out of the hands of bad guys, but they want to keep utensils out of your mouth. Sort of like a parent who wants you to stop using a pacifier because you're supposedly too old to be sucking on one. Except time-out is a jail cell.

By the way, there are many benefits to using disposable straws to consume beverages, and the downsides to the environment are rather negligible. For example, this month, a dentist told me that straws limit the damage to your teeth and tooth enamel from acidic beverages such as soda, by concentrating the acid in a specific spot (and hopefully bypassing your teeth) rather than swishing it around to all of your teeth. (They told me this because my tooth enamel has basically disintegrated and it doesn't come back. Whoops.) Another example is with regards to disabled people that have some kind of mouth problem, but I don't have any first-mouth knowledge on that. I also don't have first-mouth knowledge on plastic straw alternatives — reusable paper straws sound like I'm eating low-grade toilet paper, and my editor keeps telling me that there are stainless steel straws but I have no idea what he's talking about. (He says they're dangerous.)

So, yeah, progressives suck (just... not through straws) and just want to control your life for any excuse possible (“the environment!”).

Ludwig realises the previous sentence isn't exactly a new lesson to KoopaTV readers, but he just wanted to use the Paper Mario: Color Splash picture of the “Oh, who am I kidding? I can't outlaw straws. Because then only outlaws will have straws.” quote in relation to a current event because it's perfect.


  1. The only downside of straws that I am aware of is that using them can lead you to swallowing excess air and cause bloating. Other than that, the environmental effects associated with them are pretty minuscule compared to other products. Banning straws is simply an outrageous idea as the pros of straw use outweigh the cons. Why just stop at straws and ban all plastic products then? If anything, plastic bags are far worse than straws. Besides, at least there are reusable bags and other alternatives that you could make an argument for why they are no longer needed.

    1. I'm still waiting for the Paper vs. Plastic Splatfest to reveal my thoughts on that issue.

      Anyway, plastic bags are actually already banned in Seattle. They have a whole page on their site:

  2. How do you feel about the straw haters using a turtle that got a straw up its nose for their agenda?

    1. I think it's pathetic on the part of the straw-haters. Statistically, the likelihood of that happening on a regular basis is 0%, but they're taking this freak occurrence and trying to run on emotional appeal rather than logic. (Other forms of sea trash are much more likely to damage wildlife.)
      The straw didn't even kill the turtle, either. And this didn't even just happen, either. It was from some time ago. (Years!)
      So if the straw didn't kill anyone and that's enough to ban all straws, everywhere, should people ban everything that ever killed anything in history?
      Because that'll end up being just about everything you see around you.

      By the way, this is also evidence that Koopas are clearly superior to turtles, because no Koopa would be stupid enough to get a straw stuck up their nose. Unlike turtles, Koopas have the arm length and intelligence to pull out anything in their nose.

    2. See this environmental group found something even more threatening to the oceans:

    3. Wait, if the British #Resist people make balloons and dump them in the ocean, how is that added to “the list of Donald Trump's environmental crimes.”? He didn't make the balloons or ask anyone to make them! He's innocent!

    4. I don't understand the logic, either.

      But anyway the aquarium I saw the real life squids in, Monterey Bay Aquarium, are actually sensible about this.

      I replied to the first Tweet. It seems they do want to reduce plastic waste in general but support laws for people to get straws on request.

    5. One concern: Restaurants and other vendors will probably stop purchasing plastic straws, so once their supply runs out, you won't have any straws on request because only outlaws will have straws.


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