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Tuesday, July 14, 2015

50 Cent's Lost His Sense

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - He also lost his dollars, but we got another currency for him...

Since we couldn't figure out what the hell to write about after yesterday's devastating and heart-felt article, let's write about something completely different. And if you don't watch the videos it's totally PG-rated.

50 Cent! The rapper. The now-bankrupt one. We may or may not be closet mega-fans of 50 Cent, but for a bit of background, here's the Wall Street Journal:
"The rapper 50 Cent filed for bankruptcy protection on Monday, halting a dispute over a sex tape.

The 40-year-old rapper, Curtis James Jackson III, filed for chapter 11 protection in the U.S. Bankruptcy Court in Hartford, Conn., on Monday, the same day he was supposed to appear in a New York state court to determine whether he owes punitive damages in a 2010 lawsuit filed by Lastonia Leviston, rapper Rick Ross’s ex-girlfriend, court records show.

Jurors said last week that Mr. Jackson should pay $5 million to Ms. Leviston, who said that Mr. Jackson violated her privacy by posting a sex tape of her online. Mr. Jackson’s lawyers dispute the amount of the verdict."
Basically, 50 Cent had possession of a sex tape of a rival rapper's ex-girlfriend, it went public, and she wants his head over it. His $5 million head, in increments of 10 million 50 cent moneybags.

Yes, I'm sure you get where I'm going with this: A wallet of puns.

As a young boy, 50 Cent aspired to parallel the life that Mike Tyson had. Both had terrible inner-city childhoods, both were highly involved in drugs, and both were arrested as young boys and sent to special facilities. 50 Cent expressively wanted to become a boxer, like Mike Tyson ended up being. However... he became a rapper instead. Regardless of the career choice, just like Tyson, he's apparently ending up in financial ruin.

Rawk has this to offer with the comparison between 50 Cent and Mike Tyson: 50 Tyson.


Anyway, let's look at 50 Cent's "Money" song more closely. For irony.
"I'm eatin, I get money, [bleep] I shit money"
"My stash look like a rainbow, my money is gay
Nowadays I'm just happy things are goin my way
I'm straight, some say I got more than I need"
"My bank statements have you [bleep]s like 'Damn!'"
Yup, we're certainly going "Damn!" Things are certainly going your way, 50 Cent!

500 Leones is approximately 1/4 of 50 Cent's nominal value.
Also, if you like the mug (money not included), buy it at our store!

So let's be real here: 50 Cent is bankrupt because his liabilities apparently match or surpass his assets. And that's the truth under penalty of perjury, which in a non-Ace Attorney world is a serious thing. This should be a lesson everywhere that no one, especially not rappers, should release sex tapes. In fact, no one should film sex tapes or try to star in them. It's a bad idea.

If you're trying to do that to become famous, then you likely will have no idea what to do with the fame and you'll mishandle the responsibility and privilege that comes with it. Then you'll likely end up in a worse position than where you started.

50 Cent is eating Doritos while touching one of the dirtiest surfaces known to man: Dollar bills.
He's gonna get sick, 'cause he isn't monitoring his munchies, AND it's a tribute to the Dorito Pope.

"Ludwig, you can't just name-drop Ace Attorney and say this article therefore belongs on KoopaTV."

Sure we can! But as a bonus, here's the trailer for 50 Cent: Blood on the Sand published by THQ, which also went bankrupt following the game's release. It seems a lot better than a lot of the trailers from E3 2015, anyway. It's the sequel to 50 Cent: Bulletproof. I'll embed that trailer too, why not? It's the one I actually want to talk about, though 50 Cent: Blood on the Sand is... funnier.

So why does 50 Cent have a cross on his chest while he's shooting down a guy? I don't think he knows what that cross is supposed to mean. Also, check out what now leads to. At your own risk.

50 Cent the videogame promotional website domain name takeover Japanese girls
For all we know, this is a highly inappropriate website.

Well, maybe him, or virtual him, can return to Jesus after his bankruptcy. He'll probably benefit from that. Now his only hope is a loan from the IMF. Yup, we got all of these current events on currency occurring, see?

Ludwig once had a rapping career in another life, but he never got millions and lost it all like 50 Cent did. He doesn't own any half-dollars, and he would be happy with just one great girl instead of a harem. Ludwig has been involved in several sex tapes, including this one here. He also endorses this one.

50 Cent would surely support money over love, since his attempt at love only got him into bankruptcy.


  1. Oh my fucking-
    I even read up on this yesterday!
    I didn't know he was actually gonna-


    1. Yeah, he filed the court documents and everything. I read 'em.

      $10-50 million in assets, and $10-50 million in liabilities.


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