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Tuesday, April 1, 2014

A More Tolerant KoopaTV

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - Time to move on with the times.

For 14 or so years, I neglected the fact that we're in the 21st century. That means that my backwards, conservative ways are completely outdated and unsuited for the time period we live in. That's affecting KoopaTV's bottom line to the point where we make no revenue! So that's the top line, actually. Also, no one plays Nintendo games anymore. That's probably impacting things as well.

Yesterday's article got me thinking about what to do to continually improve the site. If we take a look over to NeoGAF, they're a highly progressive, extremely tolerant gaming website that is one of the biggest on the web. KoopaTV is highly reactionary, and because it's conservative-leaning, intolerant. Therefore, I need to make a change. 

I hereby renounce KoopaTV's history of bigotry and hatred. Our reputation as a "hate site" shall end today! As a result, we will become more tolerant. How so? Read on...
We'll have the following action items, all starting tomorrow or immediately. Enjoy today, for it will be your last day, you intolerant bigots!
  • Starting tomorrow, delete every intolerant article on the site. I'll go article-by-article and destroy every blight of intolerance!
  • Destroy Trayvon Tyson's Punch-Out!!, for it is foul.
  • The KoopaTV staff will undergo diversity training courses.
    • We'll also include "KoopaTV is committed to creating a diverse environment and is proud to be an equal opportunity employer. All qualified applicants will receive consideration for employment without regard to race, color, religion, gender, gender identity or expression, sexual orientation, national origin, genetics, disability, age, or veteran status." at the bottom of every page.
  • Comments will be screened for intolerance to foster diversity.
  • Change the style guide to no longer require the mention of the Great President Obama's middle name every time he is referenced.
  • Clearly distinguish between opinion-oriented articles and fact-reporting articles.
  • KoopaTV's old themes of truth and levity no longer apply. Oppression and privilege are no laughing matter.
We'll also take a much more pro-consumer position, because those big videogame corporations are just sitting on gigantic stashes of cash. They should raise the wages of their workers or pay their fair share of government revenues!

Speaking of gigantic stashes of cash, Nintendo is the biggest offender of all. They're a terrible company, and we should take the advice of KoopaTV readers and return our Nintendo products to GameStop. There's a reason why Sony's PlayStation 4 has sold more worldwide than the Wii U despite Nintendo's year-long head-start — Nintendo is undergoing a regime of oppression upon its own fanbase! It would be foolish to keep targeting this niche demographic, so starting tomorrow, the KoopaTV logo will look something like this:

Made up of Sony's face buttons. ...If you can do a better job with this, then please remake this.

As a Koopa, I think this allegiance switch is beneficial. After all, I really do not like that red-hatted plumber guy, and he is nowhere to be found on the PlayStation 4! I'll be getting a Vita as well. Bye, 3DS. I never even finished Pokémon X yet, but oh well. Who needs Ace Attorney when there is... uh... Corpse Party? PlayStation 4 has a lot of great exclusive games like... um... I'll get back to you on that. But that's a false equivalence, because the PS4 has only been out for 4 months and the Wii U for 16! I'll stand in solidarity with Sony on this one. Masahiro Sakurai agrees with me on this.

We'll also regularly be calling out, exposing, checking the privilege of, and embarrassing those nasty intolerant bigots both in corporate America and politics. For instance, starting tomorrow we will be banning Mozilla Firefox from KoopaTV because of their new anti-gay CEO, Brendan Eich. As a user of Firefox myself, I'm sad that the CEO has these personal views, and that's not the type of thing we should condone in our 21st century progressive society. So I'll be changing to Google Chrome, because Google should run America and are the source of good. Along with Apple.

Ludwig has been a lifelong Sony fan. Several of the televisions in his castle are Sony-manufactured! There will be a bonus article later today incorporating the action items from this article.

Here is the bonus article.

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