Today, the Thursday before E3 Week, Nintendo's Wii U Virtual Console release is... Wario: Master of Disguise, developed by the now-bankrupt Suzak, Inc. The game was originally released in early 2007 on the Nintendo DS, being the second-to-last Wario series platformer, coming out before Wario Land: Shake It!. Wario Land: Shake It! was a fantastic game from Good-Feel on the Wii, but it apparently was the series' death knell.
|$9.99! By the way, the asterisk is that you need a Nintendo Network ID to buy it.|
Shouldn't the asterisk therefore be next to the Buy digital button, rather than the game's price?
After Wario Land: Shake It, you only see Wario in the title of games in the WarioWare series, and it looks like Wario as a platforming series is deader than Chibi-Robo. Even Masahiro Sakurai thinks of Wario as only a farting microgaming tycoon, with Super Smash Bros. Brawl and Super Smash Bros. For Wii U having pretty much only WarioWare representation. All of the new stuff for that consists of just an Ashley Mii costume and an Ashley Assist Trophy. Which is great for Ashley fans, and hey, I'm one of those.
But while Ashley fools you with her innocent demeanour, Wario tries to fool you with his brand name of supposedly being a purveyor of quality games. He also tries to fool you by being on Team Costume with his seven disguises. ...But, yeah, I said “supposedly” because Wario: Master of Disguise is a terrible game. I've never actually played it, and I don't know anyone who has. ...Well, there IS one person, and this person is how I know it's a bad game.
...But can I really trust this man's opinion? I suppose I must, or this article's tone will be completely unfounded. Fine... Your Honour, my witness...
...Is Chrom! Yeah... THAT Chrom. But Chrom is also a mere disguise, for he was once known as YoshiRider123, and actually had something resembling a personality! And he acquired Wario: Master of Disguise in early 2010. He had nothing but negative things to say about it, such as:
“Believe me, the dialogue isn't remotely interesting.”
“My main problem in these first impressions is that this game feels boring.”
“It just feels amateur.”
“But now I can truly say that I can understand why people hardly ever talk about this game, it's just so uninteresting and...bleh.”
|Wario is wearing a helmet to protect himself from the toxic atmosphere of Wario: Master of Disguise.|
He's also ranted about it to me in private:
“It's somewhere between ‘okay’ to ‘this sort of sucks.’”He's even ranted about it in his “Let's Play Mario no Super Picross” series on YouTube. Yeah, we should've seen YoshiRider123 turning into a boring robot coming. Who the hell does a Let's Play of a Picross game? And expects people to watch it? I'll embed it, but I don't recommend watching it at normal speed. Try 2x speed, starting at 5:05. It's more trying than waiting for Ben Carson to complete a sentence:
“I keep forgetting that I have Master of Disguise.”
“Every time I make a tier list of platformers I've played, Master of Disguise is always the most bottom one. YIDS is higher. Even Super Mario Land. >.> I'd rather play that than MoD.”
He says the video isn't much of a Wario: Master of Disguise rant, but proceeds to rant about it anyway. Somewhat like Marv-O explaining that we already know what the rules of the rap battle are, saying that he won't waste time on that, but then he proceeds to explains them anyway.
Then he starts ranting about Wario: Master of Disguise in Part 75 of his Let's Play (who the hell would watch over 75 15-minute videos of someone playing Picross?!) and by then he claims to have beaten it. He says it “still sucks” and he can't finish the special episodes from the DS game out of distaste for it.
...Apparently it has nice final boss music? It's better than Yoshi's Universal Gravitation, I guess. I'll embed it, and I don't care if you think it's spoilers because you shouldn't get the game anyway.
So... Is it possible that Wario: Master of Disguise infected YoshiRider123 with some sort of slow virus that, over a long time, transformed him into the boring Chrom we know today? And it passed down the bloodline? I guess we'll need more test cases of people being exposed to Wario: Master of Disguise to know for sure (since YoshiRider123 is the only person who's ever played it before), but the stakes are too great.
|Will the Fire Emblem mobile game be “Lucina: Master of Disguise”?!|
If that's the case, then this game's release is a public safety issue.
You must NOT buy it! And if you do, you need to be segregated and quarantined, as YoshiRider123 foresaw (and tried to stop — we should've seen it coming) over six years ago:
“YoshiRider123: I pity you and your chromatic segregation. The world has been fighting to end it and then people like YOU have to make it for naught!” [Emphasis added]If you're going to win $10 or $20 worth in prizes from Round 8 of the KoopaTV Loyalty Rewards Program, let it not be to purchase Wario: Master of Disguise. Hey... Kirby: Planet Robobot is coming out tomorrow on the 3DS! Why not get that instead? And that game actually has good music, as all Kirby games do. Yup. Sounds good.
It's possible that YoshiRider123 has bad opinions on things and Wario: Master of Disguise is actually a good game, but he was a founding staff member of KoopaTV before he was turned into Chrom. Joining KoopaTV's staff isn't a bad idea at all, and maybe you should consider it yourself.
Big Brain Academy is a much better Wii U Virtual Console game that was originally on the DS, and it's only $6.99!
The Black Knight's Rest Area's music is a slowed down version of Kirby: Planet Robobot's Rest Area theme, thought to sound like The Black Knight's theme from Fire Emblem: Path of Radiance.
Ludwig briefly mentioned YoshiRider123's Picross Let's Play when talking about Pokémon Picross.
Despite lacking a personality, Chrom has a cult of personality.