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Wednesday, January 27, 2016

If Mario Really WAS From Brooklyn...

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - ...He'd sound like this, and he'd talk about this, too.

It has been persistent misinformation that our nemesis, the PLUMBER (and his brother), were somehow born in Brooklyn, New York. That's absurd. Nintendo literally made a videogame all about how this is wrong. It was called Yoshi's Island and it's one of the best games ever made. But a lot of people missed the implications of the story and just focused on lauding how amazing the gameplay is.

Some propose that Mario and Luigi were born in the Mushroom Kingdom (right so far) but somehow relocated and lived their child and young adult years in Brooklyn (no, this is stupid).

Well, if that were true, you'd think he'd talk anything like another guy raised in Brooklyn, New York you hear all the time in the news. His name is Bernie Sanders, an idol of Brooklyn accent afficionados. I propose that if Mario did live in Brooklyn for a substantial part of his life, and grew up in that environment and learned their values, he would talk like this (original Bernie Sanders parody video embedded below):


Transcript:
Thank you for coming today. I'm Mario Mario, and I'm running for president of the Mushroom Kingdom! For the first time in our nation's history, we are having a democratic process where the people can participate in a political revolution to make our nation a government for the people, instead of the powerful few in the corrupt one-party monarchical system. I have plans to fix our problems.

We have crumbling public infrastructure. Our railways are collapsing, such as Dry Dry Railway. Mushroom Bridge is filled with potholes. What is the current ruler of the Mushroom Kingdom doing about it? She's spending money on golf courses and sports stadiums dedicated to the millionaires and billionaires on Fortune Street, and the big oil tycoons.

There is a massive unemployment problem in the Mushroom Kingdom, with high poverty rates. Rogueport is falling apart. Folks are being relocated into the sewers in Toad Town Tunnels because the Princess wants to hide the homeless problem. We NEED good-paying jobs!

That starts with a public education system revolution in the Mushroom Kingdom, where everyone — regardless of heritage: Toads, Goombas, Koopas, Shy Guys, Bob-ombs — can get the education they deserve. I propose a tax on Fortune Street speculation to pay for this. Whether it be a free college degree, or if they want to go into trade and become plumbers, it is our duty to provide for these. Then, we can start to manufacture products here, in the Mushroom Kingdom, not import them from the surrounding areas.

People can't get the financing they need because the banks aren't lending. These banks control the majority of the wealth in our country, and some are even ran by foreign entities, like Koopa Bank. We need to break up the Mushroom Bank, because it is too big to fail!

With regards to health. I propose an expansion of the Toad House system. People should be able to get healthcare as a right, and for free! Everyone should be entitled to free Life Shrooms, and it is an outrage that our citizens need to pay so much for healthcare.

And finally, we need to take in the tens of thousands of Sarasaland refugees. How can we deem ourselves a nation that does the right thing and not accept these Sarasa refugees?


Together, we can tackle all of these issues and many more. I ask you for your vote. Thank you.


Bernie Sanders Mario outfit costume red hat blue overalls Nintendo Brooklyn
Horrifying.


Of course, since that scumbag plumber AIN'T really from Brooklyn and he's just a loser born and raised in the Mushroom Kingdom, he'll never really have the courage to stand up and expose Princess Toadstool for the terrible ruler she really is.

Oh well. I guess that's KoopaTV's job.


Is Ludwig making too big an assumption about you human Earthlings that everyone born in Brooklyn sounds like Bernie Sanders? Let him know. Meanwhile, it's a hard choice between which blonde is worse: Princess Peach, or Queen Hillary.


Reminder that KoopaTV already endorsed Bernie Sanders to be the Democrat Party nominee.
No matter what, everyone is better than Hillary Clinton, especially given her track record on the videogame industry.
Don't like Ludwig's crappy impersonation? Well, Bernie Sanders HIMSELF writes an article AND narrates it!
In reality, and not hypothetically, Mario is a loser who supports Hillary Clinton.

4 comments :

  1. He has his presence in a store in Manhattan called Nintendo World Store which is now temporarily closed for renovations and is going to become Nintendo NY.

    I tried looking for Disco Kid, Little Mac and Doc Louis around these boroughs but so far no luck.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey, Brooklyn ain't Manhattan.

      And just visitin' there doesn't mean you were born there or anythin'.

      I'm afraid Doc might've moved on from New York, though...

      Delete
  2. "Horrifying" ... Damn right that is XD also it would be absurd to think mario was born in a real world place considering that there isnt any real life locations in the mario world...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I mean, if there were “real life locations” then that probably means we wouldn't be livin' in separate worlds...

      Delete

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