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Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Nintendo: Finding Brains Where There Are None

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - CALLING OUT: The cushy cushy relationship between Republicans and Nintendo.

TRIGGER WARNING: THIS ARTICLE DEALS WITH THAT WAR CRIMINAL GEORGE WALKER BUSH. This is also AN OPINION. Free speech zone here!

Back in 2006, those bastards at Nintendo gave WAR CRIMINAL GEORGE WALKER BUSH a Nintendo DS Lite and a copy of Brain Age. In a wink-wink, nudge-nudge moment, they attached a letter as well. (Reproduced below)

"Dear President Bush:
Happy Birthday!
Don’t worry, turning 60 is an exciting milestone. As you know, you’ve joined millions of other baby boomers in an invigorating new decade of your life. And, like many boomers, you may be looking for ways to keep your mind sharp. That’s where we come in.
Please accept our gift of a new Nintendo DS Lite system and a copy of Brain Age: Train Your Brain in Minutes a Day. You now join millions of people around the world who have fun challenging themselves with Brain Age. If you have never played a video game before, don’t worry. Brain Age is part of our new Touch Generations brand, which includes games that are easy for people of any age - regardless of their video game experience - to pick up and start playing immediately.
It’s obvious you don’t have a lot of time to play games, which makes Brain Age such a great activity for you - just a few minutes a day with more than 15 daily training tests will help keep your mind sharp. Training tests include categories like math, reading and memorization. Try it for a few days and watch your score improve. Brain Age also comes with more than 100 sudoku puzzles - these could make your next long flight on Air Force One a bit more fun! (Perhaps copies of Brain Age for journalists joining you on your next flight would be a nice distraction!)

Have fun exploring Brain Age with your Nintendo DS Lite and be sure to let us know your brain age!
Have a tremendous birthday!
Sincerely,
Your Friends at Nintendo"

Interestingly, the DS Lite is out of the box and has messages already in it.

I wish my best friends at Daily KOS represented the letter correctly. They left out the tremendous birthday and friends part, because that's the most important part of the message. It reveals Nintendo's request for corporate welfare. If it was simply just Nintendo making fun of WAR CRIMINAL GEORGE WALKER BUSH by sending him Brain Age, then that's fine. However, they sent it unironically!

Why does that WAR CRIMINAL get a free system but the 99% of Americans don't get anything? The Bush tax cuts went to the wealthiest 1% and big corporations and Nintendo's bloated banks show their thanks by giving a gift. It's typical white privilege. Nintendo is showing their racism because they didn't give President Obama a free 3DS! Because he's African-American!

The Wii was a fluke: Nintendo systems have been selling less and less.

Nintendo has been dying worldwide. If the Wii was a disaster, they wouldn't be in the business right now. The Wii also launched in 2006: The same year Nintendo gave WAR CRIMINAL GEORGE WALKER BUSH the free DS Lite and Brain Age. Nintendo has to result in dirty tactics to gain market share! Also, did you know Nintendo doesn't have any unions? No wonder they're getting awfully cushy with those awful Republicans. I wouldn't be surprised if the Koch brothers had something to do with this too.

Meanwhile, Sony never involved themselves in this. They get their endorsements from presidents the honest way: By being better. Sony also helps out the 99% like you and me all the time. Meanwhile, Nintendo props up war criminals and conflict mineral tycoons.

Boycott Nintendo!


This is the first article of the new, tolerant KoopaTV. What did you think? Tell us in the comments: But check your privilege, because anything offensive or intolerant will be deleted.

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