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Friday, July 8, 2022

Koopa Kingdom Statement on Assassination of Shinzō Abe

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - ...We didn't do it! And it's sad that someone did!

In extremely upsetting and disturbing news, former Japanese Prime Minister Shinzō Abe was assassinated last night by fatal gunshots while trying to hold a rally/speech for fellow Liberal Democratic Party member Kei Satō's re-election campaign for the House of Councillors seat from Nara Prefecture. While Shinzō Abe wasn't the Prime Minister anymore and didn't have the best health, you can figure that he's still quite popular among many of his countrymen, and certainly moreso than his successor (who also left), Yoshihide Suga. When Shinzō Abe speaks... people listen. The suspect, who is currently a guy named Tetsuya Yamagami, allegedly had an homemade double-barreled shotgun and shot and killed Shinzō Abe with it due to disliking the former Prime Minister.

I oughta note that the suspect's name is Tetsuya Yamagami, not Hideo Kojima (and certainly not any Koopas), like some FAKE NEWS claimed. (While that links to Kotaku, Kotaku is reporting on FAKE NEWS by others. ...Though it is still Kotaku, so there are many things wrong with that article, like the laughably shameless last paragraph where piracy-promoter Zack Zwiezen asks the media not to use 4chan or Twitter trolls as sources, while he's using disreputable forum ResetEra as a source in that same sentence.)

Anyway, speaking on behalf of all of Koopa Kingdom and the Royal Koopa Family, we are in mourning at the loss of Shinzō Abe. He was a great patriot for the nation of Japan, and Koopa Kingdom and the former Prime Minister had similar desires and goals to rid the universe of Cappy, who had captured the Prime Minister and permanently changed the course of history. Shinzō Abe was really the first sign that Mario's hat is big trouble. He wanted help. We wanted to help him. I've always wanted to meet him, but I didn't have the opportunity to while I was in Japan (despite the former Prime Minister's alleged influence over that trip). Ultimately he fell to non-Cappy forces (well... I guess we can't rule out what the suspect's motivations really were) and the universe is still threatened. Big shame. Shinzō Abe also was a foe of the Chinese Communist Party, which we (and everyone else) share an animosity with.

We're very saddened and wish the best for his widow, Akie Abe, and for all of Japan! And we wish the worst for his assassin.

Rest in peace, Shinzō Abe. Feel free to share your own condolences in the comments section below.

Exactly two months later, Queen Elizabeth II of the United Kingdom died. Naturally.


  1. what do you think of abe's denial of war crimes japan committed

    1. I'd do the same thing if I were in his position.

  2. I was legitimately sad. I just remember doing some research on him and really feeling that everyone loved it. Well, not everyone I suppose. We read about assassination's and the like all the time in history class, and although there have been many attempts on various figures, you never really think it's going to happen. And yet here we are.

    1. I'd think that you'd be less likely to be assassinated as a politician when you're out of office as opposed to actively governing, but I guess that's a testament to Shinzō Abe's power and influence (that he's seen as a killable threat) even though he's not officially in office.

      Of course, as a prince, I'm quite against promoting assassination of political figures. <.<

    2. As an aspirant influential figure myself, I quite agree.

    3. Maybe you'll grow down and become a TikTok influencer.


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