Human Doctors Are Getting Laid Off; Dr. Mario Hires Dr. Goomba Tower

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - Just a contrast to think about. And many questions.

Even now, as I write this, coronavirus continues to ravage Earth. The threat of contracting the highly infectious COVID-19 is on people's minds, and where's an easy place to get it? Hospitals and nursing homes, where you're basically entering a lair of sickness and disease. People are putting off their doctor's appointments for another day. As a result, many Earth hospitals and medical practices are furloughing or laying off their healthcare workers, such as nurses and doctors.

Of course, coronavirus is an Earth phenomenon started by China. It's not a problem for the non-Earthly Koopa Kingdom or the Mushroom Kingdom, which is where fake doctor Dr. Mario has his practice. Since our 2019 investigation into his misdeeds, the dude has been on a non-stop hiring spree. He's even hired alternate forms of himself, including Dr. Baby Mario.

Just take a look at this recent recruitment video:
 

I guess it's fitting the video begins with “Please help, ANYBODY.” Because literally anybody is being hired as a doctor. In this case, somehow three Goombas stacked together counts as a doctor. One Goomba by itself is merely considered an assistant.

Dr. Mario clearly isn't concerned with economics like an Earth medical practice is. He keeps hiring more and more doctors with flimsier and flimsier medical credentials. Is he paying them at this point? Is this some kind of Ponzi scheme? I have a headache just thinking about it, but none of these doctors are going to help that out. I certainly don't think they're all treating people. There aren't enough sick people to treat.

However, it makes more sense if you consider the Megavitamin aspect of it. Our investigation found that Dr. Mario's goal is to stuff everyone with addictive, potent Megavitamins that have terrible side-effects. His means of producing these are limited... but if he's hiring people for the purpose of helping create (and then distribute) the Megavitamins, that makes more sense.

And for Dr. Mario, more bodies are better than less bodies in this fast-growing drug business.

More bodies, yes, but they're without hands, so...

How is Dr. Mario able to recruit these people? Maybe these doctors are themselves earlier victims of the Megavitamins. Maybe it's involuntary and their actions are all Megavitamin-induced. That'd explain why he's able to scale up so quickly and hire all of these folks.

You'd still want to call folks doctors even if they're in a lab somewhere producing the Megavitamins and not actually treating patients, right? They need to make enough drugs for everyone in the world to take and be saddled with side-effects. Hence, you know, Dr. Mario World. That's his aim, and that's why he needs so many employees.

Let's not let him succeed in reaching that critical point, alright?


Ludwig wasn't making that headache bit up, by the way. He really does have one, and it's hurting him. You should wish him well. Just don't try to treat him with Megavitamins.


Despite that last sentence, Dr. Mario has succeeded in reaching that critical point, and so he's ending his practice.