Culture Does Not Make Waffles -- Waffles Make Culture

By RAWKHAWK2010 - Rawk Does Not Make Articles...Except Sometimes.

So there's a "Splatfest" coming up. Something about waffles and pancakes. Something about which one is better. Something Ludwig is unable to make judgment on because of an incurable illness (one a Borginian cocoon won't fix) which has led to other KoopaTV staffers taking this batter matter into their own hands.

Let's begin.

Waffles

I don't know about all that...but more so than pancakes, yes.
(At least Marina isn't a waffler about being a waffler.)

Wendy already talked about the food, so I'm here to talk about the culture surrounding it. I'm well-versed if I do say so myself; mainly through my visits to American restaurant chain "Waffle House." The concept of Waffle House (first founded in 1955 by Joe Rogers Sr. and Tom Forkner) was to combine the speed of fast food with table service and around-the-clock availability. Waffles were viewed as being of an anti-"carry-out" nature due to their fragility (sorry Marina; even the experts disagree with you), so an environment that was fast yet still of a "dine-in" nature was thought to suit waffles well.

Being open at all hours meant Waffle House would be convenient no matter how early your breakfast cravings started, but in more hostile areas it can be a victim of poles-apart extremism where you better get your ass out of there Pikmin-style the second the sun sets. (That "A delayed breakfast is eventually good, but a rushed breakfast is forever waffle." quote by renowned chef "Sheggeru Miyamodough" is terrible by the way.) And that largely contributes to why Waffle House culture is what it is; because at Waffle House, night and day are like night and day.

I'm gonna now use my Waffle House experience to describe three distinct intervals and their general impact on Waffle House disposition.

Morning

By morning, I mean morning. Like, 3 in the AM morning. Waffle House at 3 in the morning has a certain calmness to it. Almost no one's there, including the drunks who have surely already passed out by then. Also, the lack of surrounding activity means that you can indulge in concentration-intensive interests on top of your waffles. Like card games!

From a year otherwise lost to the sands of time.
(Like my card sleeves? They protected against the grease.)

You can obviously still die, though. So be wary.

Day

I'm considering "day" to begin at daybreak, and it's when the vast majority of Waffle House patrons will be there. It's a nice time. Day is when I felt the impulse to play around with the included jukebox (nope, not the game mode; the actual Waffle House jukebox) to see how people would react to my music choice. I think they were pleased.

If Hotel California were a bad song, then me choosing the longest song available to get the most bang for my quarter would probably count as trolling. ...But it's not and someone inside the Waffle House actually started dancing to it. So yay!

Night

Hoo boy. Fast forward to when certain late-night decisions have people at the height of their inhibition-less-ness, at hours following when most other food establishments have closed their doors, and Waffle House becomes a hotbed of chaos.

I didn't personally record this (though I am friends with who did... Or was. He might be dead actually.), but it's what happens when you're one of few venues offering your services after a certain time; ESPECIALLY in a state like Alabama where people ride the highs of college sports events late into the night. This guy put it better than I ever could:

"Marina Liked this."
Also this guy might be dead too. :(

P.S. That white dude at the beginning totally set everything off ("HE'S TALKING SHIT!") and doesn't even get his ass beat. I guess even karma couldn't keep her eyes open that night.

Pancakes

The Original Pancake House (founded in Portland, Oregon in 1953 by Les Highet and Erma Hueneke) just doesn't have the culture; so much so that I didn't even know this was a place until now. And with that there's not much more to say.

Waffles win.


.........Rawk remembered IHOP existed shortly after finishing the article. Oh well, too late. (And it's not like it really matters when they don't even want to be known for their pancakes!)


Prior to this article, we heard from Stacey Abrams and her pancake defence.
Kamek disagrees with Rawk's conclusion here, and shares how pancakes make everyone happy instead of violent.
How much did Rawk's culture bit influence Ludwig's own Splatfest team decision? Find out.