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Thursday, August 27, 2015

Splatoon's Next Splatfest is More than Meets the Eye!

By VORTEXICA - Inklings in disguise!

The folks at Nintendo of America have officially announced the theme of the next Splatoon Splatfest event for North America, and it's... Wait a second, what is this?!

That's right. For 24 Earth hours starting at 9:00pm tomorrow (Friday the 28th) the battle for Cybertron is coming to Inkopolis! Why, it's enough to make me turn my head and run out to buy the game right now!

It seems like a match made in Heaven. I mean, Splatoon players should be used to this sort of thing by now since the playable characters are essentially Transformers already! "You're a kid now, you're a squid now." "I'm a helicopter now, I'm a giant evil robot now!" You see what I'm getting at here. And as an added bonus, so far, there's not a Bayformer in sight! I tell you, if there was even a hint of that, I would not have been responsible for my actions...

To make this even better for Splatoon-less people (like me currently), the Global Testfire demo was brought back, so everyone had another chance to try the game for free. Here's Ludwig's impressions of how the last one went. It's... mostly over by now though save for tomorrow being the very last day of the European Testfire.

Also, here's a look at the new Splatfest Tees. Go grab yours now!

Splatoon Inkling Team Decepticon shirt Splatfest Transformers
Spiffy, quite spiffy. You, too, can look this good!
Splatoon Inkling Team Autobot shirt Splatfest Transformers
In contrast, just look at this fool! It's like he took Weird Al's advice and actually dared to be stupid!

Speaking of plastering Transformers logos on things, I promise none of the licensing royalties from this Splatfest will go towards Megatron's grand scheme of universal domination... nor a future presidential run. Decepticons' word of honour!

Before I go on from here, a word in the interest of full disclosure: since I came to work at KoopaTV, many people amusingly mistook my avatar for Solid Snake of all things. Well, if you couldn't tell by now, I myself am a Decepticon. Vortex is the name, interrogation for the Combaticons is my game. We aim to maim! So why then am I known as Vortexica on KoopaTV and elsewhere? Well, Vortex is such a common name online that everywhere you go, it's already taken. I use it where I can, but this is my go-to substitute. I don't recall who first suggested it, but I liked the ring of it, and that was that.

Now with that vested interest in mind, what grinds my gears about the run-up to this Splatfest is that in numerous places online I've noticed a disturbing predilection towards people pledging their loyalty to TEAM AUTOBOZOS over Team Decepticons. But then, I don't expect much taste from pitiful flesh creatures. If this is allowed to go unchecked, it could become a crisis for Team Decepticons! You know that can mean only one thing...

Vortex Transformers recruitment poster Team Decepticon Splatoon Splatfest
Recruitment drive!

You may be miserable Earth germs now, but you have potential to become loyal Decepticon recruits worthy of the glory of Megatron! Yes, with your help, it'll be a doddle defeating those sentimental Autobot fools! So when you pick your team, remember to choose Team Decepticons! Go and do it this very minute! Be sure to tell all your squidgy (no pun intended) human friends too. Who knows, perhaps I'll even convince Ludwig to tie this into the KoopaTV Loyalty Rewards Program, provided people can prove they fought on the right side.

For now though, I'll leave you with a bit of mood music: Stan Bush's The Touch*. Let the battle commence!
*We'll just look past the fact that in the 1986 animated movie (AKA, the good movie) it only ever started playing when the Decepticons were losing... 

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