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Friday, August 7, 2015

KoopaTV Judges The Fox News Republican Top 10 Debate

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - Now we have our favourite candidates up there.

We endured through Part 1 of the August 6 Fox News Republican Presidential debates here. You could consider that the "For Fun" or "Turf Wars" or "scrub court". Now we're going to "For Glory", "Ranked Battle", or "main court". In short, the Top 10 Republicans in polling that we delineated here.

I'd click that last link if I were you if you want to understand how we'll approach these debates and how we'll judge them. Without further ado, we've given this a lot of time and thought, so get ready.
I didn't get the chance to wash this suit since yesterday's article.

Wait, before we go, let's have this in your mind:

Well... this wasn't even at all.

Donald Trump

Donald Trump was devoid of substance. Rawk loved him, because Rawk is similarly devoid of substance. Donald Trump, if he feels like it, will run third party if he doesn't  win the nomination. He's a lot like Newt Gingrich in terms of being bombastic, except without having done anything good for conservatism in his record.

Bill O'Reilly promised us that Fox News would ask Donald Trump how he would get Mexico to pay for the wall he's proposing. They didn't.

What the hell kind of platform is he running on that because he's the best crony capitalist, he's the best guy for reforming Washington D.C.? Donald Trump gave money to people on all sides to try to buy them out, including Hillary Clinton. You know what she did for him in return? Hillary Clinton went to his wedding.

How is having Hillary Clinton attending your wedding a desirable event? Donald Trump's candidacy should end right there.

Jeb Bush

Jeb Bush is a liar. Still, for anyone who believes him, he would come across as competent and... presidential. But without any passion. Still, no one contested his conservative record in Florida, and that's something the candidates have to do in future debates. He basically got away with saying he's a conservative and that he is against Common Core because everyone was focused on, y'know, Donald Trump.

Scott Walker

Scott didn't stand out at all. He didn't really feel comfortable being there. The reason Scott Walker's time was so low above is because he didn't use all of his time. There's a reason every candidate answers (or avoids) and pivots to their message, using all their time. It doesn't seem like Scott Walker is really prepared for all the issues of the presidency.

Mike Huckabee

Mike Huckabee was substantive as the FAIRtax proponent, the only candidate who would actually abolish the IRS.

Fox News John Pietricone abolish EPA IRS Department of Education Republican debate question
Petri dishes aren't good enough; we need a cone.

This was a question custom-fit for Huckabee. He didn't do bad at all, it was just curious that he stressed the FAIRtax would pick up on pimps and prostitutes as his closing line when discussing the FAIRtax. I think for the vast majority of FAIRtax supporters, myself included, that the side-effect of taxing the underground criminal economy isn't the most compelling part.

Otherwise, Huckabee was trying to be the best friend of older folks in preserving Social Security. He did well.

Ben Carson

Ben Carson was totally ignored for the first half of the debate and he knew it, asking the Fox News moderators for more questions. Megyn Kelly suggested he would regret that request, but I don't think he did. Ben Carson came in with something to prove: That he studied the issues and he wanted to show everyone. Unfortunately, he didn't get enough speaking time, but the lines he did get to say were great. Most compelling to me was that he said he did not focus on race because he is a neurosurgeon. I'll quote it.
"You know, we have the purveyors of hatred who take every single incident between people of two races and try to make a race war out of it, and drive wedges into people. And this does not need to be done. [...]
I was asked by an NPR reporter once, why don't I talk about race that often. I said it's because I'm a neurosurgeon. And she thought that was a strange response. And I said, you see, when I take someone to the operating room, I'm actually operating on the thing that makes them who they are. The skin doesn't make them who they are. The hair doesn't make them who they are. And it's time for us to move beyond that."
This was an excellent response. It's also the subject of our videogame Trayvon Tyson's Punch-Out!!, which you can play right out of your browser here. So as you can tell, it's quite the subject here at KoopaTV.

Scott Walker nodding Ben Carson Fox News debate
Dr. Ben Carson is actually a hypnotic doctor, as Scott Walker was zombishly nodding his head as long as the camera was on him.
I'll ask Rawk to make a .gif of it later.

Ted Cruz

Ted Cruz had an amazing answer to the "Kate Steinle's Law" question, which is that he authored the law in the United States Senate. But unfortunately, Mitch McConnell blocked it. That goes along with Ted Cruz's earlier off-debate statements deeming Mitch McConnell a liar and bad for the party.

Ted Cruz wants to anticipate Trump's demise, and wants to inherit the Trump supporters who want someone who tells the truth and fights the Washington establishment. And it's true, Ted Cruz does exactly those things. Cruz actually picked up on Trump's rhetoric but he re-purposed it in a way that suggested authenticity as a "consistent conservative", unlike the "campaign conservative" that Donald Trump is, where he is only masquerading as a conservative during the presidential campaign.

Marco Rubio

Marco Rubio is still portraying himself as the young and hip conservative. And a lot of people liked what he said, but I dunno, I didn't really care about what Marco Rubio had to say.

He did put Donald Trump in his place (hopefully forever) when he pointed out that most of the illegals coming to America are not from Mexico, but from Central American countries. And also that the illegals will make a tunnel under Trump's wall. Rubio said it pretty smoothly, too.

Rand Paul

Full disclosure: Ludwig endorsed Rand Paul already.

Rand Paul unfortunately got the least amount of talking time — likely because Fox News is afraid of what he has to say. And if Rand Paul didn't interrupt Donald Trump and Chris Christie, Rand would've gotten even less time to talk! Yet, whenever Rand Paul got to talk, he talked substantively. Rand Paul was the most substantive candidate in both debates! Rand Paul was on the right side of every argument, and immediately brought the heat to Donald Trump when everyone else on the stage would be too timid to fight Trump. And Rand Paul was the only fighter on the stage, besides Trump attacking Megyn Kelly.

Rand is absolutely right on the Second Amendment, marriage, the war hawks in the Republican Party, his poll numbers and how he appeals to the electorate vs. Hillary Clinton, the Fourth Amendment, the Iran deal, and foreign aid. Meanwhile, Donald Trump talked twice as much as Rand Paul and still said nothing of substance.

Chris Christie

Chris Christie's most notable moment, and the only one really worth talking about, was his fight vs. Rand Paul.

Chris Christie clearly lost here when he resorted to the emotions of September 11. "The hugs that I remember are the hugs that I gave to the families who lost their people on September 11."

That's not a logical comeback. The NSA's massive surveillance never stopped any terrorist, and it wouldn't have stopped September 11, 2001's events. Chris Christie is trying to play the "9/11 card" to shut down the debate, which is antithetical to... a debate stage. He's pretty much saying, "If you disagree with me, then you hate America."

Yet the one who truly has disdain for American values is Chris Christie himself, as he tries to use its few pages as toilet paper to cover his big butt. The only thing more disgusting than that imagery is Chris Christie's tactics and positions.

John Kasich

John Kasich... clearly guided by his Christian faith. "I'm an old-fashioned person here." Good!

He's pretty much trying to be Jesus. And that's pretty good! He gave a very beautiful answer to the question about what would happen if his daughter was a lesbian. The crowd loved it, too. (Though the crowd was biased since he's the governor of the state the debate is held in.)

Kasich is clearly compassionate, though at least he's not calling himself a "compassionate conservative" like a certain Bush did. Still, that can be his folly. He took Obama's offer to expand Medicare, as Bobby Jindal discussed earlier, because he took it as a moral issue and that G-d apparently wanted him to. Well... no.

John Kasich Fox News Republican debate August 6
Kasich is clearly a good man, but should he be our president?

At least he's not claiming to be a prophet like most of the candidates four years ago when they all claimed G-d spoke to them and told them to run for president. And none of them ended up doing any good in relation to winning.


  • Beauty: John Kasich
  • Cool: Marco Rubio
  • Cute: Donald Trump
  • Smart: Ben Carson
  • Tough: Rand Paul

But I bet you're wondering: Who won overall? Well, we'll have to wait and see. It's whoever gets a boost in the next few polls, because the whole point of the debate is to get your name out there and to expand your fans! This debate gave an amazing opportunity to do that, since 24 million people watched this 9 PM debate. That's record-breaking.

Either way, Carly Fiorina was probably the biggest winner of the whole August 6 debate. And Lindsey Graham the biggest loser. Graham entered the presidential race to fight Rand Paul, but he failed to get into the same debate as him! When Chris Christie has to do your dirty work for you, you know you're just in a pig pen.

What do you think about the debate? If you missed watching it, you can watch a replay of it here. Do you agree or disagree with KoopaTV's awards? Think Ludwig's opinions suck? Or do you think Rawk actually is substantive? Let KoopaTV know in the comments, and win an eShop code doing it!

Fox News Channel waits until the end of January 2016 to have another debate. Read about it here!


  1. I missed the debates mainly because I just forgot about them and played Captain Toad or something instead. XD

    What has probably stood out to me the most in the aftermath of the debates is the shocking number of supposedly-progressive people who disagree with Ben Carson's comments on race supposedly because they think he'll make matters worse for black people... and they express this opinion by tossing out racial slurs about him. Do they have any idea how that sounds??

    1. wtf you played Captain Toad instead?
      Let's look at today's GameFAQs poll of the day:
      The vast majority voted "It's a fun way to pass the time" so we'll say that's why you played them.
      ...I would like to submit the FACT that watching these debates is a much more fun usage of your time than freaking playing Captain Toad. >_>;

      (I dunno how much worse matters can GET for black people. I mean, they've been through worse, but I don't see how Ben Carson would revert things to that.)
      Progressives don't have self-awareness. It's a serious issue. They must be the half-brains Dr. Carson referred to.

      On a similar note, Herman Cain went out of his way to write a commentary on Ben Carson's performance, something he hasn't done for any other candidate post-Thursday. (Not yet, though he might not ever.)
      Mr. Cain is similarly impressed.

      "(Of course, I know only too well about the expectation of white liberal journalists that black men in the public arena need to constantly talk about race, as if we have no business talking about anything else.)"
      "This will come as news to the liberal media and to the Democrat Party, which are completely obsessed with race and think it is the key to everything in life. But what Dr. Carson understands (as do I) is that what really defines you is what’s inside you – the content of your character and your commitment to know what’s right and do it."

      Anywaaaay, I'm not really sure what Mr. Carson intends to do as a matter of policy with regards to race-relations, BUT doing nothing is probably a better strategy than doing whatever the hell Obama is doing.
      (That high point corresponds to when Obama was elected, and after that election it's gone dooooown.)

    2. I didn't sit down intentionally to play Captain Toad instead of watching the debate. :P I just forgot about the debate until long after it ended.

    3. If you read KoopaTV every day you wouldn't have missed it. :o

      Also — I assume now you've spent the time to watch over the debate.
      Huckabee still your favourite?


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