Search KoopaTV!


Wednesday, August 5, 2015

Your First Republican Debate Contest Contestants

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - The Winners' Debate and the "Kiddie Table".

It is finally time: The official start of the Republican Party 2016 Presidential Primaries is finally at hand, hosted by our best pals at Fox News. Yes, tomorrow (as of publishing) August 6 is the day, and 5 PM Eastern and 9 PM Eastern are your times. 'cause there are actually two debates.

One debate is for the top ten, and the other debate is for the bottom seven. The top ten start at the later time 'cause there are more people likely to be watching.

We discussed Fox's requirements and debate structures when we proposed that the Republican Party ought to adopt Pokémon Diamond/Pearl's Super Contest format. They... ignored us, but they DID change their format since then. Now everyone gets to be in one of the debates, even those polling under 1%!

And we happen to now know who is going to be in which debate. Obviously we'll go ahead and SHARE THAT INFORMATION. 

Top Ten Debate

Your contestants are as follows:

Fox News Republican GOP Debate Top Ten August 6 Donald Trump Bush Walker Huckabee
Courtesy of Fox News. And it better be courtesy of Fox News because it's their damn debate.
  1. Real-estate mogul and doxxer, Donald Trump
  2. Brother and son of former presidents, Jeb Bush
  3. Freer of labourers, Scott Walker
  4. Don't be Megyn Kelly, Mike Huckabee
  5. Neurosurgeon extraordinaire, Ben Carson
  6. Listen to his words and don't look at his face, Ted Cruz
  7. Just-as-qualified as Obama was, Marco Rubio
  8. Fighter for liberty and Ludwig's endorsement, Rand Paul
  9. Humanoid version of Lavos, Chris Christie
  10. Raphael the Raven as a Republican, John Kasich
Well, those all reference something.

Update 8/7/2015: Check out our analysis here.

Bottom Seven Debate

Your contestants are as follows:

Fox News Republican GOP Debate Bottom Seven Kiddies Table August 6 Rick Perry Santorum Fiorina
Courtesy of Fox News. America doesn't like these people.
  1. Back again but with a vision (thanks to his glasses), Rick Perry
  2. Fact-checked to be a hypocritical liar by KoopaTV, Rick Santorum
  3. Not even Louisiana likes him, Bobby Jindal
  4. Heretofore Hewlett-Packard; henceforth Hillary head-hunter, Carly Fiorina
  5. Believes that campaigning is more important than voting to defund Planned Parenthood, Lindsey Graham
  6. Who the hell is this guy, George Pataki
  7. Scratch that, who the hell is THIS guy, Jim Gilmore
Update 8/6/2015: Check out our analysis here.

Why It Matters

We believe it to be critical that everyone watches these debates. Not only will it likely be hilarious, but it is also important for the future of America. And since America is the whole "leader of the free world" thing, it is also important for the future of all humanity. And because humanity sticks its butt into our business (Koopa Kingdom's), it's important for every universe out there. We're the aliens you speculate on and you better believe we watch this.

Also reminder that this happened in a Fox Republican Primary debate four years ago.

So...My life changed forever because of that Fox News debate. I followed Herman Cain and supported him, and after he unfortunately dropped out, he opened up CainTV. Without CainTV, KoopaTV would not exist, and my life would be pretty different now.

Perhaps Thursday's debates may inspire something in you. And your life will change as a result. Are you ready?

Fox's Heroics

By the way. This isn't just a Fox News debate... it's also sponsored by Facebook. According to the Fox press release,
"Adding to the announcement, Andy Mitchell, Director, News and Global Media Partnerships at Facebook, said, 'Facebook’s scale and foundation in real identity give Fox News and the Republican contenders for the nomination the opportunity to open up the debate to Americans in a new and unique way. FOX News hosts often take to Facebook to connect with viewers authentically; their using Facebook to bring those viewers into this debate demonstrates how the platform has become an essential part of the political process.'" [Emphasis Added]
Facebook is STILL obsessed with "real identities" and they're still sticking behind their policies that ended up permanently banning me off Facebook, along with the KoopaTV Facebook page. And they're sticking it into the press release of Fox News.

However, just like Nintendo before them, Fox News is heroic. While Facebook's dudes are so focused on pulling up live-data during the debate, they won't be putting their "real identity" policies into execution (y'know, banning people). And not just for one debate, but for two in one night! That's taking up all of their time that whole day, plus the preparation before.

While Nintendo protected their roleplaying fans from Facebook, Fox News is protecting dissidents who are speaking out against overreaching governments. Obviously these people don't want to use their real names when they're undergoing controversial discussions that could result in them being audited by the IRS, or even killed. Social media can be an extremely powerful protest and educational tool. Therefore, Facebook is complicit with state-sponsored terrorism when they shut down "fake" accounts. And Fox News is doing the right thing to distract them, because you can bet quite a bit of viewers are such dissidents.

You know who isn't heroic? George Zimmerman. He might interrupt the debates. Even though they're in Ohio and not Florida. How does this make sense? I don't know. Ask Rawk. At least the non-Zimmerman parts of the above video relate! And it also shows the dance-off round of our Super Contest.

KoopaTV's Judging

We might as well let you guys know: We'll be judging every candidate's performance. Thursday's article will be judging the Bottom 7 group, and Friday's will be judging the Top 10. We'll judge them using the Pokémon Diamond/Pearl Super Contest attributes:
  • Beauty
  • Cool
  • Cute
  • Smart
  • Tough
KoopaTV Rawk Ludwig Vortexica Sinnoh Pokémon Super Contest judges
Your judges from left-to-right: Ludwig, Rawk, and......... Vortexica?

So, guys. To repeat: 5 PM Eastern and 9 PM Eastern on Fox News Channel, your local Fox station, or Fox News's website. Check your local TV guide for more information. It'll be great, like having two Nintendo Directs in one day!

Ludwig watched every single debate four years ago. Time to do it again. He's a far-right conservative, but will also watch the Democrat debates. If they exist.

Both parties will have debates. See their schedules and associated KoopaTV coverage here! For all of them!
Want to know the results of all of the judgments we've made throughout the categories? See here.
KoopaTV created a game, The Wonderful 1237, based on the Super Contest model!

No comments :

Post a Comment

We embrace your comments.
Expect a reply between 1 minute to 24 hours from your comment. We advise you to receive an e-mail notification for when we do reply.
Also, see our Disclaimers.

Spamming is bad, so don't spam. Spam includes random advertisements and obviously being a robot. Our vendor may subject you to CAPTCHAs.

If you comment on an article that is older than 60 days, you will have to wait for a staffer to approve your comment. It will get approved and replied to, don't worry. Unless you're a spambot.