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Thursday, August 6, 2015

KoopaTV Judges The Fox News Republican Bottom 7 Debate

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - Also known as the "earlier debate", the "losers' debate", the "5 PM debate", and "the Kid's Table".

We just all finished watching the first official Republican National Committee-sanctioned debate, featuring the bottom 7 candidates that America didn't find appealing enough to show in prime-time.

As we promised, we're going to now judge each of them. Get ready. 

Our facial expressions haven't changed a bit since yesterday night.

Rick Perry

Rick Perry took a class at charm school since he was on the debate stage four years ago. He still has troubles stringing coherent sentences together, but you totally want to have a glass of milk with him. He looked the man of most action on the stage as the governor of Texas, and he ended up remembering all of his accomplishments. He stressed most heavily that the border would be secured if he's president. He was also the most gentleman-ly, complimenting Carly Fiorina. Reminds me of how he complimented Herman Cain four years ago.

Rick Santorum

Rick Santorum was super-stressed out four years ago... and he continues to be stressed out. He's trying his best to be a populist looking out for "The American Worker". He's trying to be like Donald Trump and make immigration his issue... and not just illegal immigration, but regular immigration. Santorum apparently wants to bring quotas back. He actually celebrated that his own father got to suffer in Mussolini's Italy for years as the United States employed quotas.

What the hell?

Of course, Santorum cannot get over his ridiculous theocratic leanings. Even though he wants to stress immigration quotas, protectionism, and crony capitalism, his true passion is talking about homosexual relationships and abortion.

The Fox moderators basically asked if Santorum already blew it last year, and he described how well he did in 2nd place against the "overwhelming odds" of Mitt Romney. Does he think the odds are easier this time?

Bobby Jindal

Bobby Jindal of Louisiana was immediately asked as his first question: In head-to-head polling match-ups against Hillary Clinton, Bobby Jindal loses to Hillary in Lousiana by several points. So why the hell is he running?

And he really didn't have an answer to that. Still, for what he DID have answers for, he was the most articulate guy on the stage. In terms of policy, I couldn't tell you what he really is advocating for, besides talking about how he reduced the government rolls in Louisiana. He also was forced into this thing by the moderators to denounce expanding Medicaid, and tried his best not to say John Kasich's name when the moderator was asking about his thoughts on Kasich taking Obama's deal to expand Medicaid to Ohio.

Bobby Jindal declared that he was going to send the Justice Department and the IRS after Planned Parenthood. A few minutes later, he said he would stop IRS auditing abuse of the Tea Party. This is dangerous and part of the problem. We cannot have a president who openly says they will use the IRS to abuse a group he doesn't believe with. KoopaTV did that with Feminist Frequency as an excuse to talk about the IRS's abuse of the Tea Party. We didn't really want the IRS to abuse them. Jindal does.

Carly Fiorina

Carly Fiorina was happy to be the only non-politician on the stage. She attacked Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton, the latter multiple times. She's also now qualified to be Secretary of State, at least according to Rick Perry.

Fiorina was also among the articulate. Everything she said was a coherent thought and had to do with something relevant. She was on-point and on-message, and she had a lot of substance. That's... a lot better than what everyone else had. She didn't drone on and on. She also left us wanting to hear more about what she has to say, unlike the next guy on this list. We wanna hear more about her history and record and conservatism.

She also ended her closing statement with this goofy smile. It was adorable, as adorable as a 60-year-old can get.

Lindsey Graham

Lindsey Graham existed in this debate to declare that America should go back into an eternal war with various countries in the Middle East, with a permanent large ground presence. He was also extremely stiff and his voice cracked multiple times. He was the least inspiring person on the stage. Even though he wants a large American presence in foreign lands, he himself lacks any presence in America.

He somehow connected every issue, including the economy, global warming, and Planned Parenthood to defeating ISIS and bringing America to eternal war. He's obviously not trying to win, and I feel bad for anyone who donates to him. They're literally wasting money.

We anticipate that Lindsey Graham will drop from 3rd-to-last to dead-last with post-debate polls.

Lindsey Graham first Republican presidential debate primaries loser
"Why does no one like me." Asks a noninflected Lindsey.

George Pataki

George Pataki wants to be known as the governor of New York during September 11, 2001, a date we must not forget. It's unclear what he actually did as governor to help New York during that time, because Pataki believes that speaks for itself.

Pataki brought the claims of being anti-science straight back at the Democrats. The science shows that babies can feel pain after 20 weeks, and that abortion should be outlawed on babies over that age. That's something that Democrats do not believe in (because they're anti-science), including their allies at the Choice Texas development team.

Pataki was mostly well-spoken, but he didn't stand out as someone who should be president of the United States. Bonus: Pataki would have a hiring freeze on the federal government. Great!

Jim Gilmore

I still don't know who this guy is or why he's running. Maybe he wants to be the Republican Attorney General. He believes being a prosecutor and Attorney General are different accomplishments, and that being the governor of Virginia and the governor of Virginia during September 11, 2001 are also different accomplishments. So who knows with this guy. He didn't stand out. He didn't say anything too stupid, and he didn't say anything very enlightening. That's not a good first impression.


We would like to declare winners for each category:
  • Beauty: Carly Fiorina
  • Cool: Carly Fiorina
  • Cute: Lindsey Graham
  • Smart: Bobby Jindal
  • Tough: Rick Perry
In total, I think it's safe to say that Carly Fiorina had the strongest showing of the debate. Either way, no one knows how to describe Hillary Clinton in only two words. No matter, you don't need to play Donkey Kong Jr. Math to be in the White House... unfortunately.

KoopaTV will judge tonight's debate beginning in less than an hour after publishing... as Friday's article.

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