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Wednesday, September 24, 2014

All These White House Breaches: What's Causin' 'Em?

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - The drive... TO CATCH 'EM ALL!?!

You may have heard on the evening news (or other sources) that the White House has been breached several times in the past few weeks. From toddlers infiltrating through the fence, to a man with a knife making it to the White House DOOR (We confirmed it was NOT Joe Darke.), in addition to a Pokémon-hatted man roaming the White House grounds.

Yes, you read that right. A guy with a Pokémon hat.

That's the key to this mystery.

A Pokémon hat wearing guy invades the White House lawn
Image credit: Fox News. (Sort of?)

No, people don't just want attention. They don't just want to walk up to the President Barack Hussein Obama and tell him what a terrible job he's doing (because he wasn't even IN the White House at the time).

The White House has some valuable Pokémon in there. Recall on March 31, Google announced a collaboration with Nintendo to use Google Maps to find wild Pokémon. The winner gets a job at Google as a Pokémon master... starting September 1, 2014.

But hey, even if you don't get the job, it's not like the Pokémon vanish, right? Google's human resources department cannot control the ecosystem!

So the White House has all sorts of powerful Pokémon in its vast gardens. More vast than Mr. Backlot's Trophy Garden. Any person wishing to become a Pokémon master will want to go there, whether they are small toddlers or grown men. It's a testament to the for-all-ages mantra that Pokémon has. It's also no coincidence that a year ago, The Pokémon Company International announced its "Gotta Catch'Em All" contest! There's clearly an effort by multiple companies to get you to try to catch 'em. Is it really surprising that people are doing that, then? Even if it brings them to the White House?

The guy with the knife? Hey, if there was a wild Machamp in the White House garden, I want to arm myself with something! Although if it were me, it wouldn't be just a knife.

The basics of Pokémon capturing: Weaken it, and then throw a Poké Ball at it. Well, you have to weaken it with SOMETHING!

Secret Service pledges to review its White House security practices. Whether this starts with just locking the White House door (it was unlocked) or something more comprehensive, this will only attract the most daredevil of budding Pokémon trainers. Expect more breaches. Expect these trainers to bring their own Pokémon. Expect battles!


And if they have enough skill, they can have a GYM BATTLE with the President himself. How else do you think we're going to combat ISIS without “boots on the ground”? We'll send Pokémon instead! (Be careful: They might institute a DRAFT, and then the government will forcibly come and take your Pokémon away to fight overseas! Defend your property and your friends!)


Ludwig does not plan to go near the White House anytime soon. He's content capturing the local Pokémon where he lives. You can also find him in the Fullmoon Island channel on the Pokémon battle simulator Pokémon Online.


What could Obama's team be like? This article might give some answers.

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