So we all know what happened in the Nintendo Direct last Friday, right? You know, the one KoopaTV live-blogged? Good, because some folks on Miiverse were confused since all this happened in Japanese.
Along with Shulk (who got announced out-of-the-blue if you didn't know about the Japanese Direct) the Direct was about the "New 3DS."
No, not the one that came out in 2011. That's the "Old 3DS" now. We got the "New 3DS." That is what it's called. Literally. Hence quote marks. I think it is very important to know exactly what is announced so I'm going to spend a bit of time going over that so I can critique it after we're all on the same page.
|The New 3DS XL on the left, and the New 3DS on... the other side. Courtesy of GameSpot.|
- 3DS XL
- New 3DS
- New 3DS XL
So only the New 3DS has the changeable face-plates. The New 3DS XL is just big. It comes out October 11 2014 in Japan, with no announcement for North America.
|Here's your logo.|
- New 3D effect that has the 3D effect track your eyes/change orientation based on the tilt of the system.
- New C-Stick. It looks more like that really uncomfortable red SYNC button on your Wiimote/Wii to me but I'm assuming this is like a tiny Circle Pad.
- Integrated NFC technology so you can have Mario's fat Amiibo ass crush your screen under his weight.
- Improved Internet browser, featuring the ability to watch things and improved child-protection.
- Fancy HOME menu themes for purchase. (These are also going to be available for your old 3DS.)
- Faster CPU.
|Note the "amiibo" has the same font as the "new" in the "New 3DS" logo.|
As we may have noted in our live reactions, the face-plate thing is extremely reminiscent of the laughed-at Game Boy Micro. That was one of the big selling points of the Micro back in 2005. It didn't sell, although KoopaTV staff member Kamek apparently acquired one.
I would now like to tell KoopaTV a story that everyone in our [Koopa Keep] AIM Blast has known for some time, along with several other people. It involves Shigeru Miyamoto and how I got my Midnight Purple 3DS. I think it expresses how some people feel about this "New 3DS". Sit tight.
The Nintendo 3DS came out in America in March 2011, and was price-cut significantly in July 2011. The portable console suffered from a lack of compelling software. It didn't help that the hardware itself was kind of... not very well-made. It literally had (and still does have) a design flaw where when you close it, the imprint of the lower screen perimeter scratched the upper screen. The battery life was crap, which was a completely new concept for Nintendo. Nintendo portables have always had very long battery lives, which was a selling point against the Game Boy's early competitors. Yes, the 3DS has the battery life of the Atari Lynx.
I did not get a 3DS at launch. I knew from prior experience that if I just waited a while, a hardware revision would come and the 3DS's problems would be fixed. After all, I waited until the DS Lite came out with the Father's Day Brain Age-DS Lite bundle to first enter that market. I did not have a Nintendo DS before that, so that was about a year and a half wait between DS and DS Lite.
Skip to May 20, 2012. The 3DS just launched its really sexy Midnight Purple colour. But still, I hesitated. Kid Icarus: Uprising had come out already and the 3DS had games worth buying. And every day I stalled I was missing out on Swapnote action. I wanted to wait until E3 2012 because Nintendo might've announced something then.
|No new hardware revision and purple just came out? This is as good as the 3DS is going to get, so why wait any longer?|
It was upon reading what Miyamoto said that drove me to buy my Nintendo 3DS, and I bought the Midnight Purple one on June 18, 2012. It was a present.
Literally within three days the Nintendo 3DS XL was announced boasting a bigger screen and longer battery life. This would be within little more than a week of Miyamoto's statement that they were not planning on any hardware revisions with the Nintendo 3DS.
I was livid. Of course, my friends thought the situation was hysterical, and Miyamoto completely played me for a total idiot. This is why we can never be harsh enough on Shigeru Miyamoto. He is a wicked, wicked man and I hate him. I cannot do enough things with the font here while still keeping it readable to express that complete loathing of him. It was only a few months after that Paper Mario: Sticker Star was released. I thought a Paper Mario game on a handheld was weird since Paper Mario is for home consoles and Mario & Luigi was for handhelds. And we all know what happened with that. I would like to note that this "New 3DS" is yet ANOTHER example of Miyamoto's "no new hardware revision" promise being broken. He is a disgusting liar.
In a way, I am sort of happy that with the "New 3DS", everyone who just bought a Nintendo 3DS of any model and all the people who are going to buy one for Super Smash Bros. For 3DS and for Christmas and whatever are all going to get screwed. You will all KNOW HOW I HAVE SUFFERED FOR THE PAST TWO YEARS. And no, you cannot trade-in your old 3DS for the "New 3DS" unless you do not want to transfer your data from one console to another.
Let's see what gamers think:
|I voted Option "Meh" which won. See? My views are in line with the mainstream!|
Yes, the name is absolutely dreadful. You can come up with your own skit on people trying to buy the "New 3DS". The poll wording also raises a good point on how this is targeting hardcore fans. Casual game players really won't care about the new features for a higher price.
A year ago, I wrote a piece on KoopaTV titled, "How Many Times Can You Call it New?" This was before Yoshi's New Island and obviously before the "New 3DS". In that article I complained about Nintendo's naming schemes, particularly with the New Super Mario Bros. sub-series. It appears that Nintendo did not take my complaining to heart, since we still have "New" stuffed down our throats. Here's what we've learned over the past decade: When Nintendo spams the word "new", you should not anticipate anything remotely resembling the actual usage of the word. You should be very skeptical of it. You should err on the side of "Well, they keep calling it new, but how different is it than before and is it worth spending money on this supposedly 'new' experience?"
One more thing to keep in mind: The "New 3DS" will not replace the old models. It will most likely be like the DSi and get some exclusive games for it that really aren't all that important to play in the long-run. Remember, getting Xenoblade Chronicles on your Wii is still cheaper than buying a "New 3DS" and then getting it there. Most 3DS owners are not hardcore Nintendo fanboys (for a figure of how many of those there are, see the size of the Wii U base) so it really is just a way to drain more money from them. Up to you on whether or not you consider it a worthwhile investment.
With my old, small, and scratched up bottom screen (thanks, Kid Icarus: Uprising) that has terrible calibration, maybe it would be worth it for me to upgrade! Or just wait for the "New New 3DS" that might come...
Ludwig still likes his 3DS even if he trashed it in this article. He clings to the idea that Midnight Purple is the best colour available across any DS product and that justifies his purchase. Check out his Friend Code and other information in the Contact Us tab at the top of the site!
Wondering just how wicked of a man Miyamoto is? Wicked enough to lie about Ludwig's family.
Ludwig actually buys a New 3DS XL.
There's a new member to the family: The New Nintendo 2DS XL!