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Sunday, June 2, 2013

No moral compass in THIS part of Tokyo, folks.

By RAWKHAWK2010 - This is how we'd behave at Nintendo's E3 booth.

Earlier this year, the 3DS eShop saw the release of Tokyo Crash Mobs, a game developed by Mitchell Corp. (who?) and (to most people's surprise) actually published by Nintendo themselves.

And it might just be the most morally fucked up Nintendo game ever.

For y'all that don't know (aka everyone reading this), Tokyo Crash Mobs' gameplay is similar to that of the DS game Magnetica (also developed by Mitchell Corp.), where you throw colored things into lines of other colored things so that hopefully you line up three of said colored things. Only in most games of this vein, you're playing with marbles or blood diamonds or some other stupid object that doesn't have feelings. In Tokyo Crash Mobs, you're doing it with ACTUAL LIVING DUDES. Half the game involves this Asian girl named Grace KILLING pedestrians (or "scenesters") by throwing them into one another, just so she can be first in line to whatever exclusive fashion event thing she's attending. (We all know Nintendo is no stranger to social commentaries on the dangers of consumerism, but this is fucking pandemonium guys!)

Tokyo Crash Mobs Grace Throwing Nintendo
If the minds of today's youth weren't already poisoned enough, now even waiting in lines is out of the question.

Granted, resident white girl Savannah's part of the game actually has her trying to stop the scenesters from pressing a button which for some reason would eject her into outer space (It's a personal problem.), but...some might say she's enjoying her methods of self-defense a little too much. Especially with all the bowling balls, bombs, and UFO abductions she's hauling ass with.

Tokyo Crash Mobs Rolling Savannah UFO Nintendo
Rolling Savannah, reporting to you straight from a World War II Japanese internment camp!

Interestingly enough, Mitchell Corp. went out of business right after Tokyo Crash Mobs was released. Did they piss off the wrong crowd(s)? Or maybe Mitchell Corp. knew they were boned before development even started, and so they just blew Nintendo's money on making something the team can laugh about when they're old and useless in some crowded, disease-laden Tokyo nursing home.

(That's gonna be weird.)


Want to experience the drastic uncouthness of Tokyo Crash Mobs personally? Well go buy it yourself because Koopa TV's not doing that for you.

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