Search KoopaTV!

Translate

Thursday, December 29, 2022

About Mario Kart 7 Multiplayer and How “Sweaty” It Is

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - This wasn't my idea. But there is a reason to care in 2022.

Before 2022 ends, I wanted to take something off KoopaTV's public list of article requests. Let's see, how about...
“Maybe you could take a look at mariokart 7 multiplayer and how sweaty it is? And let's not talk about the snaking in DS” by Okipullup

I've never played Mario Kart 7, and no one is a big Mario Kart 7 person on the KoopaTV staff. Well, not anymore. It's seen as very inferior to Mario Kart 8 and Mario Kart 8 Deluxe. Every Mario Kart has a time trials scene where they try to get the fastest times on each course through whatever means necessary, but later Mario Kart games have online multiplayer as well. The best players take advantage of whatever techniques they can to get the best speed (Mario Kart 7 and other recent games also allow for kart parts customisation), and tend to go for higher-speed lower-acceleration custom builds. As far as I can tell, Metal Mario is the meta. Lame.

Metal Mario Mario Kart 7 character selection screen
My understanding is that
Metal Mario in a B-Dasher and Gold/Slick/Red Monster Wheels is the meta.
(The glider doesn't matter.)


And until a few weeks ago, you were able to take over (control) the 3DSs of people you played Mario Kart 7 online with (or vice-versa), so you better make sure you download that fresh new (security) patch from Nintendo (Mario Kart 7 Version 1.2) to disable that. Yes, that's why Mario Kart 7 got a new update a decade later.

As for normal Mario Kart 7 multiplayer, I asked my brother, Larry Koopa, to let me know what Mario Kart 7 is like in 2022. Here was his unedited (as in, it's laced with profanities) response to me:


“I have some news
I played a bit of MK7
I played it online since I couldn’t really do multiplayer, and the sneaking fucking snakes those Japanese people pull on me
THOSE GOD
DAMN
HACKERS
BEAT ME EVERYTIME
AND I KNOW THAT THEY MUST HAVE BEEN HACKING BECAUSE THEIR EYES ARE SO SLANTED THAT THEY’RE BLIND SO IDK HOW THEY COULD BEAT ME, THE REAL LARRY KOOPA WITH MY LARRY KOOPA MII
AT A FUCKER WHO WAS PLAYING YOSHI
AND DID IT EFFECT THAT SUSHI LOVING, DINO-DICK RIDING HEE-YAW KARATE CHOPPER AT ALL?!
nope.
AND THEN HE FUCKING WON
SO THWRE
THERE LUDWIG
I HOPE UR HAPPY
WITH YOUR ANSWER”
It's important to note that snaking isn't a technique in Mario Kart 7, at least not like it was in Mario Kart DS. However, there are hackers/cheaters on Mario Kart 7 online multiplayer, and the game has no way to report hackers to Nintendo. I can't independently confirm if Larry just had a skill issue or if he encountered actual cheaters. With regards to legitimate play, drifting/mini-turbos/super-mini-turbos are definitely still crucial to the metagame. There's also a technique called straight stretch mini-turbo (SSMT), which lets you accelerate faster after getting hit, move a little faster, and dodge items.

Unlocking new kart parts (and 100%-ing the game) is tied to the number of coins you're able to earn, so there are communities of people out there that you can find that exist just to grind for coins with race settings that are most optimal for that. Some of those parts can be gotten earlier by doing impressive feats, but at least one of those (the Gold Glider) is tied to StreetPassing people, and that's unviable in 2022. (And anytime afterwards, like 2023 in a few days.)

So what's “sweaty” about it? People use that term as a slur for people who exert effort into trying to do well in the activity they're participating in. I don't appreciate it. There's nothing wrong with caring about something or trying to succeed at something. That's not a healthy perspective on life. Caring is good! ...Cheating/hacking isn't good, though.

You might also wonder why anyone is willingly playing Mario Kart 7 nowadays. I assume these are small children who live in orphanages because their parents died from COVID-19, and all they have to play with is a worn-down 3DS from ten years ago with Mario Kart 7. Of course, I might end up joining them soon. ...The parents. Anyway, get a Switch already and play Mario Kart 8 Deluxe. It's better, has a bigger scene, is still actively updated with new content, has a much better character roster (including ME!), and as far as I can tell, doesn't have hackers. (Or if it does, while you still can't report them, you could at least block them.)



Ludwig doesn't feel like he really answered the request's prompt, but this is about as good as he can get it, since he put research into it. There is a lack of resources available for Mario Kart 7 compared to the other games in the series, mostly because very few people still play it and have moved on to better games. Ludwig's interview with Larry was done in accordance to COVID-19 health policy, mostly because it was done months ago before anyone got sick.


The very end of 2021 also had an article dedicated to (an angry) Larry Koopa.
This was awarded the Best KoopaTV Interview of 2022, thanks to Larry.

2 comments :

  1. Maybe I have especially dry hands, but I've never gotten my controller all sweaty. I also don't play mariokart so maybe that's a reason.

    The first and last Mario kart I truly dedicated a lot of time to was Mario Kart DS. I've played the other games at least once, but never really spent a lot of time with em. Mario Kart kinda reminds me of open world crafting games and things like that, in that you can sink hours of your life into it with no real end. As opposed to RPGs, puzzles and other story based games. Mario Kart is better in that the end goal is to unlock and place first in all the circuit cups. Whether it's a result of growing up or if I've always been this way, I just don't want to waste hours in games based around being open ended. The exact kind that Square Enix loves to pump out these days.

    Bit of a tangent from sweaty Mario kart, but the thought came to me and I had to write it down!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I literally do get sweaty claws when doing, say, intense Super Smash Bros. sets.

      Delete

We embrace your comments.
Expect a reply between 1 minute to 24 hours from your comment. We advise you to receive an e-mail notification for when we do reply.
Also, see our Disclaimers.

Spamming is bad, so don't spam. Spam includes random advertisements and obviously being a robot. Our vendor may subject you to CAPTCHAs.

If you comment on an article that is older than 60 days, you will have to wait for a staffer to approve your comment. It will get approved and replied to, don't worry. Unless you're a spambot.