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Tuesday, August 11, 2020

Same Energy: Biden Vice President Pick and Smash Bros. Fighter DLC Picks

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - In ordinary circumstances, they're both useless, but junkies obsess over them.

What group of people have a lot in common with people who spend their days speculating about which characters will be chosen as Super Smash Bros. series downloadable characters? (Or, before a game comes out, who will be added to the base roster?)

Political junkies who have been spending the past several months speculating on whom presumptive Democrat Party nominee Joe Biden will select as his vice presidential running mate, after an exchange in the 1 vs. 1 March 2020 debate performance between him and Senator Bernie Sanders that KoopaTV didn't bother to cover because they excluded Tulsi Gabbard from it. By the way, Joe Biden did terrible in that debate (and denied ever saying what he said on “the YouTube”, as Bernie Sanders put it), but the mainstream media ignored that and dedicated their news coverage to Joe Biden's announcement that his decisions are based on immutable characteristics (someone's sex). In this instance, that his nominee will be a woman.

Anyway, so the speculators have spent the past four and a half months trying to speculate who is on Joe Biden's running mate “short list” and who his ultimate decision would be—often based on who they like most or who has the best set of identity politics, as opposed to anything policy-related. This is just like Super Smash Bros. fans, rather than talk about Super Smash Bros. as a game, spend months on end (or even years) trying to speculate who is on the short list to be next in the game, often based on inane theories. Those theories often line up with who they'd personally want, by the way. Reality itself is shifted to contort to their speculation.

I should note that, traditionally, vice presidential picks are pointless and vice presidents don't have actual defined responsibilities. (This may be different with Joe Biden for reasons we'll discuss in the future.) Similarly, most people play the new Super Smash Bros. Ultimate DLC character for a few weeks and then drop them for whom they were playing as before. Some people with extreme buyer's remorse may keep going, but with the exception of Joker, it's not sustained. (Compare Joker's usage in August 2019 to June 2020.)

For a few hours this morning, speculation (on the political side) went into a fever pitch as the Democratic National Convention (starting next week...which we'll likely cover in a summary article on the 21st) revealed its full speaker list:

(Feel free to scroll past this until you hit a paragraph again)
Monday: We the People
Senator Bernie Sanders
Senator Catherine Cortez Masto
Governor Andrew Cuomo
Governor Gretchen Whitmer
Representative Jim Clyburn
Convention Chairman Representative Bennie Thompson
Representative Gwen Moore
Former Governor John Kasich
Senator Doug Jones
Senator Amy Klobuchar
Former First Lady Michelle Obama
Tuesday: Leadership Matters
Former Acting US Attorney General Sally Yates
Minority Leader Chuck Schumer
Former Secretary of State John Kerry
Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez
Representative Lisa Blunt Rochester
Former President Bill Clinton
Former Second Lady Dr. Jill Biden
Wednesday: A More Perfect Union
Speaker Nancy Pelosi
Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton
Senator Elizabeth Warren
Governor Tony Evers
Governor Michelle Lujan Grisham
Former Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords
The Vice Presidential Nominee
Former President Barack Hussein Obama
Thursday: America's Promise
Senator Cory Booker
Governor Gavin Newsom
Mayor Keisha Lance Bottoms
Mayor Pete Buttigieg
Senator Tammy Baldwin
Senator Tammy Duckworth
Senator Chris Coons
Senator Kamala Harris
The Biden Family
Vice President Joe Biden
If The Vice Presidential Nominee is talking on Wednesday... does that mean that no one already on the list can be The Vice Presidential Nominee? The same kind of questions were subject to regular debate among Super Smash Bros. Ultimate speculators: If a character is an Assist Trophy, can they later become a playable character? (So far, no. But would, say, Zero in Mega Man Zero form be considered different than Zero in Mega Man X form, who is an Assist Trophy?) If a character is a Spirit, can they become a playable character? (Until Min Min, the answer was no. Now that Min Min is a playable character, anything is possible!)

Now, note the bold styling under Wednesday for “The Vice Presidential Nominee” and under Thursday for “Senator Kamala Harris”. That's because some hours after the convention announced their speakers and lots of speculation was made that day, Joe Biden announced he has selected Kamala Harris to be his running mate. That happened to make all of that speculation a bunch of wasted effort and time. We have a LOT to say about Kamala Harris as a KoopaTV staff, and we'll discuss a lot more about her than what we've already expressed in the near future.

...It's actually unclear if Kamala Harris will speak twice. I wouldn't put it past her.

People, today, are already speculating on what a President Joseph Robinette Biden's cabinet would look like. Sort of like how people immediately begin re-speculating on the next Super Smash Bros. character after the new one just gets announced. It's not like the guy has actually won yet, sheesh. (Or the character has actually gotten in yet.) Unfortunately, we're probably more likely to get Tulsi Gabbard as Secretary of State in a President Donald John Trump administration than we are in a President Joseph Robinette Biden administration. Like, none of the people on that long list above—if they represent favourable Democrats (plus never-Trumper Republican John Kasich) nowadays—have any appeal whatsoever. They're all varying degrees of awful. More-or-less emulating how I feel about Super Smash Bros. Ultimate's newcomers.

You should expect KoopaTV articles between now and November 4 (because obviously KoopaTV will talk about the election the day after it) to be a lot more politically-tinged than they have been so far in 2020. Koopa Kingdom strongly believes it should have a say in American politics!

KoopaTV has analysed the Democratic National Convention of 2020 over here! There were even speakers not on the list...
Kamala Harris has a sickening record as a prosecutor in California, and it's very disqualifying for her higher office aspirations.


  1. american politics is so entertaining so funny so jokes lmao hahahah it hilarious to watch from the outside what a shitshow!!!!! so dumb!!!!!!!! idiot country

    1. ...Eh, well, yes.

      That's why Koopa Kingdom feels there is a lot of opportunity to directly influence the Americans, because even if their decisions are made with idiocy in the brain, they wield greatly disproportionate influence and power.

    2. yeaa pretty sad situation thank koopa condom

    3. Now you're writing like a spambot, except they'd put a hyperlink for "condom" at the end.


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