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Monday, March 16, 2020

On the Ground News: Coronavirus Emergency Edition

By KAMEK - Emergency Edition Reporting!

I felt it necessary to keep everyone up to date this week with real on the ground reporting that will cover a wide range, almost disconnected range of topics. Try and keep up with me after the break!

KoopaTV being up there in the highest echelons of social responsibility is a hope and beacon to all other organizations. It's refreshing to see other businesses follow our stance and provide the public with both truth and positivity. So far, my local electric company and water district have sent special emails detailing their intention to combat infection and reassure the public. Even our local garbage company has sent a kindly worded email to assure me, their customer, that they're doing everything that they can to be socially responsible in these trying times. One company I didn't expect to hear from was Yankee Candle:

"In our stores we are committed to 'making every guest happier' and we believe our stores can be an oasis away from what is happening in the world."

"You are like our extended family and we wanted to take a moment to let you know that we are thinking of you and all of those affected by the Coronavirus outbreak."

"We hope that our fragrances can add comfort to your life and your home...especially in times like these."
The use of flowery language here is at least on brand.

Florida Senator Marco Rubio sent the following tweet out, in frustration, I imagine. 

Marco Rubio Twitter stop spreading stupid rumors about marshall law martial coronavirus
 See his archived tweet here.

The unintended consequences of tweeting without double-checking your work have led to much attention being brought to one of my favorite fighting game characters, Marshall Law.

Marshall Law is based on one of the greatest fighters in human history, Bruce Lee, who is one of my favorite humans in human history.

“I am amazing and you will quote everything I say.”

That's just on Twitter! In other news if you just found out about the shortages of toilet paper and other household essentials, then hold on to your butts. Costco, the leader in all things bought in bulk, has a shortage of bidet toilets.

Out of Stock Bidet Brondell Swash CS1000 toilet seat coronavirus

If you thought you were going finally going to invest in that magic toilet seat, think again. Someone already beat you to it. Fear not. I imagine that this will probably be back on the shelves faster than toilet paper.

In other news, Bing, the search engine that could, has made its own current infection board that's framed eerily similar to a ball game score board:

Bing Coronavirus COVID-19 outbreak score board March 16 2020

As you can see things are pretty rough, but it's nice of Bing to keep us updated on the score as we're entering into the second half of March Madness.

Big news from Sierra Leone, the host country of KoopaTV headquarters. Travel restrictions have been initiated. International travel hasn't been banned just yet, but if you would like to know more you should listen to this YouTube video from Dr. Alpha Wurie, Sierra Leone's Minister of Health:

Not to mention his outfit is incredibly stylish

Just in case you forgot: Other diseases exist too! A malaria related death has been confirmed from a missionary to Sierra Leone.

Be vigilant, dear readers, and stay safe.

KoopaTV strives to be the proper socially responsible news site you come to expect. Not all is doom and gloom. Coming up soon, KoopaTV's staff members are collaborating on a special article on what you can do during your voluntary or government-mandated social distancing! In the meantime, Kamek urges you to consider other toilet paper substitutes and share them with your fellow readers.

It was over two years later that anyone on the KoopaTV staff physically returned to the Sierra Leone headquarters.

1 comment :

  1. I highly recommend everyone listen to Sierra Leone's minister of health in that video. Just his speaking style is amazing, and I want Kamek to voice-act it.


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