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Thursday, July 17, 2014

A Washed Up Dictator Wants His Fair Share

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - Will he get it?

Manuel Noriega: Dictator of Panama from 1983 to 1989. You know, when you're a dictator, you get a lot of perks. You get used to all the power. Well, six years isn't a heckuva lot. For example, even though it seems like President Barack Hussein Obama has been in office forever, he's been around for less than that.

Well, the dude has been reduced to suing Activision for money. He's serving two basically consecutive twenty-year prison sentences for being a jerk in Panama. And for shipping tons of cocaine to America.

I feel like I've seen this photo somewhere. ...Oh, don't mind me.
I guess drugs are getting really expensive in jail that he has to hire a law firm ("Girardi & Keese") to extort a bunch of money. Let's see what his complaint is.

Apparently in Call of Duty: Black Ops II, there is an antagonist that resembles Noriega. The antagonist is a really bad dude who murders and kidnaps people, sort of like Noriega. Girardi & Keese are coming after Activision because Noriega has "lost profits" due to this resembling character.

The California trial lawyer firm Girardi and Keese.
They suck the blood out of you. Typical trial lawyer scum.

Those unsettling creatures above also claimed that Call of Duty: Black Ops II
"features several nonfiction characters, including plaintiff, for one purpose: to heighten realism in its video game, 'Black Ops II.' This translates directly into heightened sales for defendants."
I'll make Activision's argument for them. Call of Duty: Black Ops II has a huge portion of its fanbase as college-aged dudebros and immature little kids. Neither of those age groups even know who Noriega is because they weren't even alive while he was in power. How does using this washed up dictator's likeness raise sales for the videogame? Does little Jimmy down the street say, "Hey, I'm gonna get the latest CoD so I can fight Manuel Noriega!"? No, he says, "Hey Ludwig, I'm going to kick your ass in Black Ops II!" And then I say, "You won't get the chance, since it's not like I'm going to play the game." Then he'll call me lame and say that everyone else is getting the game.

And I know that's what kids act like because I've had conversations like that before. While Noriega was rotting in prison, these kids go to school and shoot one another virtually. Sure, that sounds gruesome, but at least they probably won't grow up to be dictators. They have some sort of other future ahead of them!

Hopefully they won't grow up to be trial lawyers. These are the major donors to the Democrat Party, and they stand in the way of progress in the country like tort reform. They're the sort of evil folk who do not care whose lives they ruin because they act to generate a holier-than-thou personality. They really help no one but themselves. Here is a John Stossel column on how trial lawyers are bad for the country. Good read. You see there that companies have to raise prices and act defensively in order to counter-balance the effect of frivolous lawsuits against them. If these trial lawyers went away, people could get along with one another a lot better.

So it's no wonder these vampires are corroborating with drug lords. They both hate America. Activision is an American company. It makes sense to me! They're both completely about themselves, their egos. That's how they can make ridiculous claims like Noriega's likeness being in the game raises sales.

I wonder if Vice President Joe Biden will sue Activision next for that guy who looked just like him in Call of Duty: Ghosts. At least, that's what KoopaTV got out of it when we watched the game.

Heeeeeere's Biden! Again! I forgot who this guy even was in that game.

Did you know who Manuel Noriega was before reading this article? Did you buy Black Ops II just to see someone resembling him in a videogame? Sound off in the comments!

For more famous people suing game companies that happened just this month, look here! 


  1. This came up at dinner today.

    Thinking about it made me curious if historical fiction set in recent history has to get permission to write about public figures who are still alive. I mean, someone can write a fantasy novel with Napoleon in it (Temeraire series!), and it's not like Napoleon can sue. Code Name: STEAM isn't going to get in trouble for portraying Lincoln. But if the person is still alive... do you need permission?

    1. It's a good thing to get permission.

      Do you need it? Well, we'll find out where this and the Lindsay Lohan case go.

      (It'd be fun if they had different verdicts.)

    2. (I wouldn't be too surprised if they got different verdicts, since Rockstar could argue that character isn't really based on Lindsday Lohan, whereas this character is actually supposed to be Manuel Noriega. Now, if she wins her case and he loses his, I'll be baffled.)

    3. (Either way, if they do get different verdicts, we won't really have answers in the end. Unless you literally name the character after a dude, how do you prove intent?)

    4. (Manuel Noriega is named Manuel Noriega in the game, though, isn't he? XD At least, that's what my Google research tells me.)

    5. (This says Raul Menendez.

      Unless Noriega is like a sub-villain?)

    6. (Yep, sub-villain:

    7. (I like how it links to his Wikipedia page.

      Well, uh... That's interesting. Maybe he's offended he wasn't the main villain.)

  2. ...Oh, just for an update since I forgot this ever even happened:

    It got dismissed.


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