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Thursday, February 18, 2021

Ludwig Babysits in Mario Kart Tour; Joe Biden Plays the Series Too?

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - How'd I get stuck with this?

For some reason, it's like every political site, news site, and gaming site wrote something about President Joseph Robinette Biden Jr. playing Mario Kart Arcade GP over Presidents Day weekend when he hung out at the Camp David retreat with his family. I'm not sure the fascination behind it. If the arcade machines were at Camp David the whole time, then other presidents (possibly starting with President George Walker Bush?) have probably played it too. We just didn't hear about it because they didn't have 27-year old granddaughters with an active social media life.

Naomi Biden, that aforementioned granddaughter, apparently used a “story” feature on the social media platforms to spread the word (which subsequently deletes it after), but this journalist documented/preserved the one-second clip that caused a media firestorm:

Since it's hard to see, the text in the story reads, “Secret service made an exception and let him drive himself!!!!” and “A little rusty but he still won (barely).”

Reactions range from “Joe Biden is wasting taxpayer money/taking a vacation despite all the problems in the country!” (which I've maintained is a dumb take no matter who is in office) to “Look how relatable Joe Biden is!” (obnoxious take) to “IS JOE BIDEN A MARIO KART PRO?” (highly unlikely). People who apparently have better eyesight than I do can make out that President Joseph Robinette Biden Jr. is playing as Luigi. That's thematically fitting since Luigi's relationship to Mario is analogous to the current president's vice-presidential relationship with former President Barack Hussein Obama, and I'm more than happy to associate Mario with former President Barack Hussein Obama. I don't like either.

As for news that isn't being widely reported on but is still related to Mario Kart and Mario, Mario Kart Tour (the crappy mobile game) has been holding a Peach vs. Daisy Tour because... I don't really know why. Apparently Daisy is off in a fairy outfit and Peach is off in a wedding outfit. Who is she marrying? ...No one, she just likes the outfit. It may or may not be difficult to drive wearing that, but I wasn't going to investigate that personally.

But the part that concerns me is, “The included Tour gifts this time are Baby Rosalina, Baby Mario, Ludwig, and Baby Luigi.” Apparently, that means I'm no longer a gacha reward—I'm just a free gift. Me and three babies. (I'm not like the other three members of that list!) I don't know how I got stuck babysitting them while these women go and have pretend marriages or whatever in the chocolate islands. Didn't they read how I treated Zoomer kids? They shouldn't trust literal babies with me.

Disclaimer: No babies have been hurt by Ludwig Von Koopa during the course of this tour. ...Not yet, anyway. It lasts for a little while longer, and there's no telling what could happen before it ends. There's a decent chance Ludwig has misreported something in this article, because at the very least, he doesn't know anything about how Mario Kart Tour works. Speak up in the comments section with any corrections, and you'll be mentioned in the next KoopaTV monthly newsletter!

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