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Thursday, November 28, 2019

Eric Swalwell's #Fartgate Spirit Battle

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - Don't do this to your family on Thanksgiving.

In honour of the very American holiday of Thanksgiving, established around a century and a half ago, KoopaTV has decided to dedicate today's article to a very American fellow: California Congressman (and very failed Democrat presidential candidate, being the first to drop out) Eric Swalwell!

Of course, at KoopaTV, we're not going to bore you with some puff piece about a politician. ...Though there are some puffs involved, of another sort.


Warning: This article contains cursed imagery and fart jokes. In fact, there already just was one.

Spirit Details


Name
Eric Swalwell
Series
California Democrat Party (real life)
Class
Novice
Spirit Type, Ability
Support
Down Special ↑

Fight Details


Characters
Opponent: Green Wario
Type & Power
Grab Type
1800 Power
Stage & Music
Tomodachi Life
Octoweaponry (Splatoon)
Rules
Item: Shooting Types
Conditions
The enemy is easily distracted by items
The enemy favors neutral special
The enemy's down special has increased power
(Hidden condition) The enemy will suddenly have a fully charged down special
Here's the gist: Eric Swalwell, as Wario, will go around using his Chomp neutral special to eat a bunch of frequently-appearing Shooting items. These specifically are the Banana Gun, the Rage Blaster, the Ray Gun, the Steel Diver, and the Super Scope. This reflects his main policy priority of gun-grabbing (hence Grab Type) and ending the Second Amendment. He wants the government to “buy back” (you should always wonder how the government can buy back something they never sold to begin with) loosely-defined “assault weapons”, and then confiscate remaining weapons still in the hands of the civilian population, while prosecuting them. Presumably that would be by sending federal agents door-to-door, which is represented in the Tomodachi Life stage being a big apartment complex with Miis in every room. The shooting items will randomly spawn in those, and they're Swalwell's for the eating!

Since taking away people's Constitutionally-protected right to firearms is Eric Swalwell's main obsession, he's distracted by that and will focus on it. But why Wario and his Chomp? Why eat the guns instead of picking them up and throwing them off the stage? Well, have you seen this video of Eric Swalwell recently?


Eric Swalwell, who is also involved in impeachment proceedings in Congress, went on live television and was involved in what comes across as a spectacular fart sound effect. He denies being the farter, and MSNBC denies it was even a fart (they claim it was a mug sliding across a table, which is absurd). We at KoopaTV assume that Eric Swalwell was the farter, given his reaction to it in the video. He took a pause and made a slight silly grin!

Eric Swalwell Spirit Battle Super Smash Bros. Ultimate fart Wario fartgate gun grabbing
Here is Eric Swalwell barging into people's homes,
confiscating their guns (see the Rage Blaster behind the fart cloud) from American patriots like Snake, and then farting on them.

After eating enough firearms—which surely causes indigestion—Eric Swalwell fires off a devastating, powered up Wario Waft. MASSIVE FART. But if you can avoid it, you should be able to win the Spirit Battle. Normally the Wario Waft takes around 110 seconds to fully charge up (though it is sped up slightly after eating items with Chomp), but since Eric Swalwell is a Novice and weak Spirit (reflecting his political inexperience, youth, and effectiveness as a Congressman), that time table will have to be cheated a bit for the Spirit Battle so he can fart before it ends with his defeat.

But hey, if Eric Swalwell ever actually wins at something... it might look something like this?


Eric Swalwell Wario Super Smash Bros. Ultimate victory screen fart
This is cursed.
Good thing Swalwell won't ever be president of the United States or pass his gun-grabbing priorities!

Fun fact: There are no Spirits currently in Super Smash Bros. Ultimate that have their battle focus on the Wario Waft. This would be the first and only one! Isn't that tasteful?


Have a Happy Thanksgiving!You're welcome to suggest other Spirit Battle ideas, by the way. KoopaTV has no intention of making a Spirit Battle or videogame or anything for all of the other 2020 Democrat presidential hopefuls. This was a fairly unique circumstance.


The last Spirit Battle concept KoopaTV published was back when we did a whole bunch of Ace Attorney ones in April.

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