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Tuesday, October 31, 2017

Past Due on Bamboo: The TRUTH About “Tikiz”

By RAWKHAWK2010 - Tikiz. I hate these guys.

Some would say we're bad people for not taking threats to the world more seriously. They think that while everyone else is carrying out their humanitarian duties to help save society, we're somehow fine with all the impending doom...or given how we're often characterized, may even be the ones entirely behind it! That, my friends, is simply not true. (Besides, pray me tell, where was Barack ‘So Vain’ Obama during the events of Hurricane Katrina? Yeah, checkmate.)

Indeed, KoopaTV was pretty much the only news outlet on the planet who didn't report at all on that scary rally everyone was talking about. Possibly because we were currently on the verge of NUCLEAR WAR by Cappy and his pawns or something. Regardless, we saw what happened to President Trump when he arrived at the scene a day late, so we decided we'd just wait until a new season. And like literally everything else that ever happens, KoopaTV apparently didn't see what everyone else saw. They witnessed humans, we witnessed monsters. Maybe we're crazy, or maybe we're the only ones willing to see these foul beasts for what they truly are.

Tiki Tak Tribe Tikiz torch torches fire mob riot army Donkey Kong Country Returns DKCR
Name: The Tikiz.
(If they weren't so scary, I'd tell Aisha Tyler to come back and change it to #GirlWood.)

We've seen these guys before. They first appeared in Donkey Kong Country Returns, and came back for Mario Kart 7 and Donkey Kong Country Returns 3D. And people like this longtime KoopaTV critic just can't seem to admit that what he lists are all J.V. teams in comparison. (Yes, the Tories are...something else, but look at them, they're completely harmless.) The truth may still hit him and his ilk one day...but only after they're already Tiki stew.

Believe it or not, KoopaTV actually DID have a staffer on North American ground that weekend, who snapped the above photo and further took note of the calamity as things unfolded. Here's Roxy with the latest Tiki Buzz:

Roxy avatar KoopaTV Pokémon Diamond Pearl Platinum interviewerThe Tikiz arrived on scene to prevent a historic statue from being demolished by the local government. Their cause was lost not long after they got there, so they spent the rest of the weekend trying to proselytize small children and animals by way of hypnotic Tiki-wing propaganda. A brief summary:
Things such as “Bananas and Soil!”, “The Kongs will not replace us!”, and “Heil Tong!” were chanted brazenly as Tikiz flashed namesake torches. The torches were bought at Funky Depot.
Tikiz Banjo Bottom and Krazy Kalimba hypnotized each other after they couldn't decide on how to be racist. The resulting schizoid mess couldn't decide either.
Xylobone had a Screaming Pillar fall on him while practicing his “Heil Tong!” arm gestures, and remained trapped because no one ever taught him the ones for “help.”
Accordion Tiki (who doesn't have a real name) consumed so much banana mead that he forgot how to play himself, seen instead sputtering banana from his bellows and collapsing thereafter. 
They all were frightfully-obsessed over what they believe is a banana on top of the president's head.

There you have it, folks. That's really what happened last August, and KoopaTV's very own trained and qualified journalist would know better than anyone. The only thing she forgot to mention was the presence of protesters in the form of fist-happy Kongs. If Tikiz are as scary as they are retarded, then Kongs are as scary as they are impulsive – so don't even try and tell me this isn't a “both sides” thing.

Donkey Kong Country Returns panflute Tiki Tak Tribe Tikiz DKCR
“Get angry, and beat the [BANANAS] out of every Tiki you see!”
- radical political movement “Antiti”

Kids, cowboys, don't get involved with Tikizism or Alt-Kong mobocracy. The drama isn't worth it for a bunch of banana bunches, things that often go bad before you remember you even have them. And Xananab may have not been looking for fights in my original sex comedy [Coming Soon], but if he had it just would have gotten him Stomped all the harder.

So with that I say stay safe everyone, and Happy Halloween!

Update 10/31/17: As it turns out, Roxy took a wrong turn somewhere and never actually made it to the town she was supposed to be in. In fact, she wasn't even in the same state due to missing her bus. She wasn't even in the same country due to missing her plane. She wasn't even in the same canon unless a Tiki parallel to the original story was occurring in/near Sierra Leone at the same time. ...And while in 2017 that kinda sorta seems like something that would totally happen (seriously it probably did), “The Truth About Tikiz” is now by definition Fake News and will likely get us denied press passes for the sixth year in a row. Thanks a lot, Roxy.

Update 5/14/18: My aforementioned original sex comedy is known as Attack of the Loins and can be viewed here.

Rawk is too busy playing Super Mario Odyssey to go around town asking for confectioneries. He also doesn't want to be killed by razor-blade-laden bananas, since you know they're out there.

Will the Tikiz come to the defence of Billy Mitchell's statue after accusations of impropriety?


  1. After losing the Banana Wars in the early 20th century, it amazes me that the Tikiz are still around anymore. I would have thought that their beliefs would have died out by now, but I severely underestimated the sheer cruelty of some people.


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