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Wednesday, May 4, 2016

Make Koopa TV Again

By RAWKHAWK2010 - “Sorry to keep you waiting!”

Some time ago, I lost something of a bet. I claimed that Donkey Kong Countries 1, 2, and 3 would not last half a year on the Nintendo eShop, and if wrong my penance would be to dance in the streets with ethnic minorities. Well, for the past eight months that's exactly what I've been doing. I found the experience to be so surreal that I decided to remain with the ethnic dancers indefinitely, traveling far and wide as we shared the gospel of Gō Ichinose's Pokémon Diamond and Pearl compositions across the lower east coast. (Along with making choreography my canvas in ways that Ludwig could only hope to understand.)

But you know what they say, a thing isn't beautiful because it lasts. And this is no exception, because a short while ago my troupe of ethnic dancers was slaughtered in cold blood by wrathful beasts from a foreign land...... Also known as: The Illegal. And I'm 100% wholly dedicated to creating a future in which no one has to bear witness to the same unspeakable horrors.

Rawk Hawk Make America Great Again Donald Trump hat Paper Mario

...Nah, just kidding. I'm not a single-issue voter! I'm not "wholly dedicated" to anything! It's true that The Donald will do what needs to be done to street urchins like Gonzales (seriously, look around: that Mexican jumping bean doesn't belong here), but there's a bunch more important things that I stand with The Donald on as well. ...Because really, how could there not be? We got the same hair, the same bravado, and come the hell on, we're even both in the wrestling sphere!

(Go to 20:00 to see Vince McMahon get Rawked Trumped. It's beautiful.)

At the end of the day, The Donald's high-wattage personality speaks heavily to all of my inner frustrations. He consistently mentions his goal of Making America Great Again™, and I say that's a good first step in Making Nintendo Great Again™ too. Having Japan and its industries pay up might just motivate Nintendo to produce results that we the people actually want, like Making Paper Mario Great Again™ so that I can actually have a job. And Making Miyamoto Great Again™ by building a big, beautiful wall around him and his toxic gameplay-first philosophies, keeping them faaaaaaar away from places in which they don't belong.

the cask of amontillado Shigeru Miyamoto chained clown
The Cask of Miyamoto

In a post-President Trump world, Miyamoto will be doing (only) what he does best: Making TV. It obviously won't dominate the airwaves like the last literal year of Donald Trump doing/saying whatever, but the end result will be better than whatever the hell else he'd be doing. And speaking of which, we'll be making TV too. Ludwig might write a mean game, but I have plans to put the TV back in KoopaTV like never before. We'll have so much audiovisual content it'll make your head spin! We'll have so much audiovisual content that you'll be begging us to stop!...

Oh hey, Rawk's back. Leave him a comment before he disappears for another eight months! (And consider paying your respects for his slain friends too.)

KoopaTV has followed suit with Rawk and has endorsed Donald Trump for president.


  1. Wow! Others post here too!

    Will making TV, Making Nintendo Great Again™ and Making Miyamoto Great Again™ lead to a new Advance Wars?

    1. Yes, based on the Crazy Snake Rebellion.

  2. R.I.P. Rawk's ethnic minority friends and may justice be served.

  3. I can't wait for Color Splash!



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