Tomorow is the Opening Ceremony for the Rio 2016 Summer Olympics! This is an event we've been waiting for — almost a year now.
However, you will not see any Koopas present in Brazil's Rio de Janeiro tomorrow, or any other time this month.
I am officially announcing on behalf of Team Koopa — Koopa Kingdom's delegation for the Rio 2016 Olympics — that Team Koopa will not be participating in this year's Olympics. King Bowser Koopa, Bowser Jr., Larry Koopa, and Wendy O. Koopa will be leaving Rio after their June training.
|King Dad is pondering why he ever thought this was a good idea to begin with.|
Rio has not treated us well. I wrote a completely true and accurate story about it, published in six parts, titled How Team Koopa Escaped Rio. You can read it here, and if you haven't read it yet, you should. It's eye-opening on what Rio de Janeiro is like, and how the Koopas were treated. (And it's good prose.)
Rio has also not treated its own jurisdiction or its own people well. Rio de Janeiro is essentially a failed state, and Koopa Kingdom sees no point in meddling with that. There would actually be negative value added to Koopa Kingdom were we to conquer Rio de Janeiro — or any part of Brazil, for that matter.
We also expect the other teams from our walk of life — such as Team Mario and Team Sonic — to back out of the Olympics as well.
Allow me to go into greater detail about the problems going on there since my last article on it where I announced I would not be attending.
My sister, Princess Wendy O. Koopa, has been training really hard for the 100m Freestyle Swimming event since a year ago. That's why you haven't seen her at all since she joined KoopaTV. Now scientists (yeah, I know, but hear me out — this is a cool quote) are saying,
“Foreign athletes will literally be swimming in human crap, and they risk getting sick from all those microorganisms.”...WELL... Do you really think someone as elegant as Wendy O. Koopa would want to swim in human crap?
|Uh oh... her mouth is open! The microorganisms are rushing in! |
(...I suppose we need to make sure she doesn't drown first. Writing one obituary article for staff members was more than enough for me.)
But that's just one problem.
Before he was promoted to handling every event, King Bowser had a responsibility for being Team Koopa's Golfer. Well, he's joining the best golfers in the world in dropping out of the Olympics. While the overlord of Koopa Kingdom considers himself a leader and not a follower, it seems like a good idea to defer to humans on the human planet who are incredibly skilled at what they do. They just might know something.
|A local Carioca (that's the proper term rather than something like “Rio de Janeiro-an”) seen dumping his rotten fish into the river.|
Things like this may contribute to the terrible air quality in the area.
If you're observant of Team Koopa's cast, you might be wondering what happened to Dry Bowser. While MY question is why Dry Bowser exists to begin with, I do know that he — it? — will no longer be around screwing the laws of nature. Body parts reportedly washed up on a beach in Rio de Janeiro. The dumb humans haven't identified whose they are.
You really want to know whose body parts were found?
Now that Pokémon GO JUST (as in, today/yesterday) became available in Brazil, I bet people will find a lot more than just the remnants of Dry Bowser. There's probably hundreds of other bodies waiting to be found! Since many of those dumb human peasants playing probably don't even know what a Pokémon looks like, they might confuse my dad for a Blastoise and try to catch him or something. Best to stay away.
The locals glued to their smartphones aren't just the only danger to our ex-Olympian comrades. Terrorists are eye-ing the 2016 Olympics. There is a credible threat risk that ISIS will attack Rio de Janeiro this month. Meanwhile, Rio de Janeiro has only gotten 1/6th of its target goal of security and safety guards to thwart terrorist attacks.
|Argh! I know King Dad... We were so close to dominating the humans at their own event.|
But Japan's 2020 Olympics should be a lot safer and receptive to our kind.
There are just way too many problems with these Olympic Games, and in the end, it makes no sense to proceed with going to them. We'll watch some of the events from the safety of our (now-Ebola-free) KoopaTV Sierra Leone headquarters. We're in the minority here, since not even those in Rio want to watch them. But we got to give it some attention with all we've talked about it up to this point, right?
KoopaTV may even live-react to some of the events and pass it off as videogame-related. You can thank Mario & Sonic at the Rio 2016 Olympic Games for that. Ludwig was originally a part of Team Koopa as the star Table Tennis player, but he left the team after having a horrible time at Rio de Janeiro, which was chronicled in the KoopaTV-exclusive drama series, How Team Koopa Escaped Rio.
KoopaTV live-reacted to the Opening Ceremony, albeit with great difficulty.
Mario didn't leave Rio after all...