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Wednesday, August 24, 2016

Gen 7 or Bust

By MIZUKI - Will Gen 7’s newly released designs forecast gold, or ruin the future of Pokémon?

A new generation of Pokémon can bring many things: Nintendo's stock rising, a new generation of young Pokémon fans, the reliving of childhood for some, and the never fucking ending hell of debating whether new Pokémon designs are the harbinger of the franchise’s doom or it’s just people with shit taste expressing their shit taste.

Friday, Nintendo officially revealed four upcoming Pokémon Sun and Pokémon Moon Pokémon and we will be looking at the quality of each design to weed out the daft and dolt of the Pokémon fanbase.


First is the Boxing Pokémon Crabrawler, a pure Fighting type boxing crab. There is a long-standing tradition of Pokémon that people look at and think the Pokémon has two types, yet in reality they only have one. This has been going on since kids hurt themselves in confusion when they thought Psyduck was Psychic. While it's respectable for some Pokémon such as the mimicking tree, Sudowoodo, it falls short with a seafood item that has a blue/purple color palette and (so far) no reason to not be Water-type. Deduction of points here.

However, other than that, Crabrawler is a beautifully designed Pokémon that fits the tropical aesthetic, has some character to it, and has made recent trends. 7/10.

Crabrawler Donald Trump fists up fighting stance ready to fight Pokémon
We can see a subtle likeness between the two specimens as seen in previously revealed Pokémon.


Second, we have garbage...At least, that was my first impression. Stufful has a strange, fake appearance with beady eyes and an extremely basic body. I thought the same of its evolution, Bewear; a little creepy, bland, and un-Pokémon-like in style. Stufful, however, and this is going to be a shell-shocker to those Slowpokes out there, is a stuffed animal Pokémon. Get it? Stuff-ful? Respectable name pun, a design that is justified by its source, and is cute when I realized where the mouth was... Stufful overall is respectable in design. 7/10.

Stufful stuffed animal bear tag tail butt Pokémon Sun Moon
Awww, look at that cute little tag detail!

Sandygast and Palossand

Finally the Sandcastle family, so far consisting of Sandygast and Palossand. I will be referring to Palossand as representative of the family.

Utter genius. Flawless. A Pokémon who gives hope for Sun/Moon.

However, shallow souls whose rotted minds that have probably only played Gen 1–2 during infancy have been giving unjustified flack to this Pokémon. Criticism can be ultimately sanded down to: “Woow a sandcastle digimon what a joke. Guess pokeman is out of idaes guys.” This negativity has notably been seen before with the Vanilluxe family, which has been used as a recruitment tool to introduce the anti-new gen mentality to non-genwunners.

Let's start with the name. Palossand. Not only is this a pun, but a rare case of a name being a TRIPLE entendre: Pail of Sand, Pile of Sand, and Palace of Sand. There may be other layers to this name design that I haven't noticed. 10/10 name.

The aesthetic choice of this Pokémon is well-delivered in an animated, Pokémon way. A possessed sandcastle is welcome with Alola's tropical island theme. 8/10 visual.

The lore behind our ghostly masterpiece is classic Pokémon creepypasta material: 

“Palossand loves the vitality of Pokémon and drags small Pokémon into its body so it can steal their life force. Its sandy vortex swallows them up in a heartbeat! Pokémon dragged into Palossand leave traces of their ill will behind. It’s thought that this negative energy may be the starting point of new Sandygast…” 

How can you not respect the thought and effort? 9/10 overall.

David Bowie Quicksand Pikachu Palossand Pokémon Sun Moon
 “Should I kiss the Seviper's fang, or herald loud the death of Man?
I'm sinking in the quicksand of my thought and I ain't got the power anymore.” - RIP Pikachu 1995–November 18, 2016

Pokémon Sun and Moon is going to be an iconic generation if this keeps up, and will undoubtedly blow Generation 6 out of the water. (Fuck Mega Rayquaza and the damn primals in VGC! Megas probably are awful too). 

Ludwig thought that Megas were fantastic when they were announced, and now he's probably wrong.


  1. I admit I used to be a gen wunner-twoer combo (that exists right, people who like the first two gen designs only) with some exceptions of designs I did like in gen 3-5. Then around gen 6, I finally accepted all designs. I did play all gens except the gen 3 remakes.

    1. Good on you for being open minded! That's exactly what I wanted from the fanbase.

  2. Gen 1 may never be topped but Gen 7 is doing a pretty good job at trying.

    1. Gen 1 got topped when Gen 2 came out.
      Just saying.

    2. Yeah, gen 2 had a Pokémon based on a giraffe. Did gen 1 have a Pokémon based on a giraffe?

    3. ...No...

      ...I do like Gen 1's designs more than Gen 2's. I have proportionally less favourite Pokémon from Gen 2 than Gen 1!

      I have an outdated tier list made before Gen 6 existed in a massive spreadsheet of a x/10 ranking of every Pokémon. Maybe I'll update it sometime.


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